Plot:
Confederate super-spy Roy Orbison and his partner in crime Sammy Jackson travel to San Francisco near the end of the Civil War, masquerading, respectively, as a singer/guitar instructor and a magic-elixir vendor. Once there, Orbison dons a fake wig, beard, and mustache and steals Union gold to bring back to the South, aided by a guitar that doubles as a gun. The end of the Civil War tragically ruins their plan to hand over their ill-gotten loot to a Southern general.
Key scenes:
Orbison lip-syncs the title song from the front of a wagon while a Southern belle hangs her laundry on the line connecting her wagon to his. He then fires his guitar-gun at a band of attacking Indians who marvel at his magical guitar, even though Orbison's aim is a little shaky. A woman locked in a romantic clinch with Orbison strums his guitar with her foot to simulate a guitar lesson in progress. A Native American chief proudly shows off his "New Impressionist school" strategy for applying aesthetically pleasing war paint. Later, the chief asks an underling, "What are you, warrior or art critic?" Orbison is temporarily blinded following an explosion. Putting aside his trademark guitar-gun for a while as a result, he beats a drum and sings a song about a medicine man while buxom white women in Native American outfits dance behind him.
Can easily be distinguished by:
Nothing. The Fastest Guitar Alive is exactly like every other heroic portrayal of the Confederacy in which a rock 'n' roll legend plays a singing spy with a bullet-spraying guitar.
Timeless message:
Through careful planning and flawless execution, even entertainers can do their part to aid the cause of slavery.
Memorable quotes:
Orbison cockily tells a bad guy in his guitar-gun's sights, "Don't move, fella. In case you're interested, I can kill you with this and play your funeral march at the same time."
- Comments