Monster Dog

Year releasted: 1984

by Keith Phipps
September 22nd, 2004

Tagline:
"The Fear... The Terror... The Nightmare... They Will Never Forget It!!!"

Plot:
Flexing his dramatic muscle in his first starring role, rock star Alice Cooper plays a rock star named Vincent Raven. Planning to shoot a new video, Cooper returns to his childhood home, which sounds like a dull artistic choice until Monster Dog reveals that he grew up in a sprawling manor in a spooky corner of Spain where all the residents speak in dubbed-in American accents and crib their decorating tips from old Hammer horror movies. Traveling in a tricked-out van with companions who are obviously 15 years his junior, Cooper gets his homecoming off to a rough start by encountering a creepy old man prone to cryptic pronouncements like "Now he's back at last. He will command the hounds," as well as less cryptic pronouncements like "All of you will die!" Though unnerved, Cooper and company press on to find that Cooper's childhood manservant has disappeared... leaving behind a plate of sandwiches.

Key scenes:
When hot-for-Cooper video director Victoria Vera finds her employer reading a book on werewolves, she makes a bold stand against superstition by pointing out, "The year 2000 is just around the corner. I'm a recognized expert in electronic video. And you are the hottest rock 'n' roll star in the world." Cooper remains unmoved by this airtight logic, and soon it becomes clear why. A pack of hairy dogs shows up at his doorstep, followed by a pack of hairy vigilantes. In the ensuing melee, Cooper reveals his family's secret history of lycanthropy before turning into a werewolf himself.

Can easily be distinguished by:
Eschewing traditional narrative form and challenging traditional spelling, Monster Dog opens with a music video for Cooper's grammatically unsound song "Identity Crisises." In the clip, Cooper adopts the guises of Jack The Ripper, James Bond, Sherlock Holmes, and Billy The Kid to symbolize his character's various identity crisises.

Timeless message:
You can't go home again. Or, more specifically, you can't go home again and not expect to be turned into some kind of monster dog if your family carries the monster-dog gene.

Memorable quotes:
Upon meeting the local sheriff after many years, Cooper recalls a warm memory: "I used to sit on your lap and piss all over your pants, right?" The sheriff replies, "You was more full of water than the Hoover Dam. And now he's a rock singer!" Take that, everyone who says rock stars need excellent childhood bladder control.