Critics have been quick to anoint XXX's Vin Diesel as the totally extreme dude's James Bond, but he's far from the first American to try to slip into the British super-spy's shoes. XXX's tagline, which posits its hero as "A New Breed Of Secret Agent," may evoke comparisons to Bond, but it also echoes the cover art of 1986's Never Too Young To Die, which presents John Stamos as "The New Breed Of Hero!" A would-be franchise-starter, the film stars Stamos as a college kid first seen engaging in a manly gymnastics routine, indicating the filmmakers' belief that future action heroes would have as much in common with Mary Lou Retton as Clint Eastwood. The son of secret agent George Lazenby, Stamos remains ignorant of his father's profession even after Lazenby is killed by Gene Simmons, a hermaphroditic evil genius given to fits of high-pitched cackling. Introduced greeting his minions as "my little turdballs" and "my little scumbuckets," the glammed-up Simmons--in a performance seemingly based on flamboyant Kiss bandmate Paul Stanley--announces his plans to poison the city's water supply. Desperate for answers following his father's death, Stamos accompanies foxy secret agent Vanity to a topsy-turvy nightclub where boys dance with boys, Simmons performs his lascivious act dressed in garish lingerie, and lowlifes ride their hogs around the dance floor. Stamos doesn't much care for his foe's gender-bending glam-metal stylings, but when he attempts to plant a bug in Simmons' dressing room, the villain makes an awkward pass at him, and more high-pitched cackling ensues. Following a series of chases and fistfights with Simmons' goons, Stamos reconnects with his college roommate: the film's low-rent answer to James Bond's Q, an Asian-American inventor whose high-tech marvels include a super-advanced calculator watch. Stamos and Vanity finally consummate their relationship after Vanity cunningly strips down to a bikini and hoses herself off, but their lovers' idyll is interrupted by henchmen, who arrive and take the heroes to Simmons' lair just above the city dam. The Kiss bassist appears ready to execute both do-gooders, but Stamos challenges Simmons' right-hand man to a one-on-one fistfight, then escapes with Vanity. Another chase and shootout ensues, followed by a tête-à-tête between Simmons and Stamos, in which the Full House star finally gets to put his arsenal of gymnastic moves to good use. After foiling his enemies' plans, Stamos rides off with Vanity, blissfully unaware that his future career path will involve no super-spying, and a whole lot of playing second fiddle to the Olsen Twins.
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