Lovelines

Year releasted: 1984

by Nathan Rabin
August 27th, 2003

To the nudity-prone teens of Lovelines, Michael Winslow is more than just the Police Academy guy who makes crazy noises with his mouth. He's that, of course, but as a rock promoter, manager, and proprietor of the titular teen telephone-advice service, he's also a friend, employer, dream-maker, and peacekeeper between two warring high schools. That last service proves most useful after representatives of one school sneak into their rivals' hallowed halls and launch an estrogen-fueled attack, substituting porn for an educational film, replacing the swim team's regular bathing suits with breakaway ones that come apart in water (during a public performance, no less!), spray-painting insulting graffiti on a wall, and finishing up with some mild, underwear-clad mooning. The stakes are raised even higher by a battle of the bands, whose winner Winslow promises to shepherd to fame and glory. Of course, he emcees that battle, where a performance by thirtysomething high-school punks is followed by an interracial breakdancing exhibition. But the event's big attraction comes from the four female troublemakers behind the opening mayhem, and from an all-male band led by Greg Bradford. That group is forced to flee following some minor mischief, but not before Bradford becomes smitten with Mary Beth Evans, the lead singer of a band from the rival school. But Evans' muscle-bound brother (Frank Zagarino) is considerably less smitten, and he engages Bradford and company in a car chase, only to be thwarted by a computer-controlled contraption in Evans' car that hurls alcohol-filled balloons at Zagarino's vehicle. Winslow bails Zagarino out of jail, but Bradford and Evans' path to true love proves strewn with sexual hijinks, a horny Doberman pinscher, party-crashing, and a gauzy falling-in-love montage. Zagarino finally hands Bradford a thorough beatdown, which is immediately followed by a breaking-up montage, but Bradford and Evans reunite at a costume party. There, following yet another gratuitous breakdancing sequence—breakdancing was the nation's top leisure activity during the early to mid-'80s, if low-budget comedies from the era are to be believed—a melee breaks out and the star-crossed couple escapes. Lovelines climaxes with another battle of the bands in which Evans' and Bradford's bands tie for victory, setting up a decidedly non-rocking duet which proves conclusively that neither deserved to win.