To compete in the chain-dominated world of fast food, young burger-joint proprietors are often forced to rely on cheap gimmicks. For example, Clark Brandon and Randal Patrick, the party-hearty entrepreneurs of Fast Food, find that the only way to keep pace with a Jim Varney-led chain is to spike their burgers with an aphrodisiac that facilitates all the raunchy sexcapades a PG-13 rating will allow. As the film opens, its hormone-crazed super-seniors are being forcibly graduated from college following eight-year undergraduate careers and a few out-of-control parties too many. Fortune smiles upon them, however, when they learn that a failing gas station run by Patrick's cousin is being eyed by Varney, whose central culinary innovation seems to be wearing a headpiece that combines the cowboy hat and a chef's trademark chapeau. Varney's masterstrokes also include appearing in a commercial where he pledges that his burgers won't "choke a possum." But he soon faces unwanted competition from Brandon, Patrick, crusty Michael J. Pollard, and Patrick's tomboy cousin, who hit upon the bright idea of turning the aforementioned service station into a service-station-themed fast-food restaurant. Alas, the allure of Spark Plug Fries and Piston Rings proves weak, and the gang grows increasingly desperate. The restaurant's chances improve once Brandon "borrows" a special potion that turns uptight doctors and snotty bluebloods into sex-crazed maniacs. Brandon tests out the potion at a party for the upper-crust set, where its effectiveness is proven when a preppie's hot-blooded girlfriend aggressively seduces the poindexter behind the secret sauce—in spite of his coke-bottle glasses, Batman underwear, and terrible impersonations of Rodney Dangerfield and W.C. Fields. All manner of semi-clothed antics ensue, facilitating boffo business for the fledgling burger shack and a sped-up montage illustrating the sauce's amorous effects. Under its influence, even a nun and priest are tempted to break their sacred vows, until a cheap-looking thunderbolt of ostensibly divine origin sends their sauce-inflated libidos crashing. While Brandon and Patrick ponder the moral implications of the secret sauce, Varney fights back, first by dispatching undercover agent Traci Lords to discover the secret, and then by siccing the FDA on Brandon and Patrick. Things look grim when they step into Judge Kevin McCarthy's courtroom, but he rules that the secret sauce is not only natural, but also legal, proving conclusively that the U.S. would never ban a harmless mood-altering substance that brings people pleasure, just because puritans and self-righteous scolds object.
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