No Holds Barred

Year releasted: 1989

by Nathan Rabin
August 7th, 2002

A textbook case of schlock imitating life, 1989's No Holds Barred casts wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan as a WWF superstar who, as the film opens, is receiving a vicious beatdown at the hands of an anonymous foe. Then, in a turn of events nearly unheard of in the annals of professional wrestling, Hogan turns the match around and dramatically defeats his opponent, much to the shock and awe of ringside announcer Jesse Ventura. Hogan's heroism attracts the attention of Ted Turner-like mogul Kurt Fuller, who openly covets Hogan and his enormous ratings; desperate for a cash cow, Fuller invites Hogan to his office and offers him a blank check if he'll switch leagues. Hogan respectfully declines, citing previous obligations and leading Fuller to angrily denounce him as a "jock-ass." Hogan responds by shoving the aforementioned check down Fuller's throat. Not even flunky David Paymer can solve Fuller's ratings woes, so Fuller decides to offer "$100,000 tax-free" to the winner of a tough-man contest. The stunt turns out to be an enormous success, with super-sized, lazy-eyed ex-con Tommy "Tiny" Lister Jr. emerging as the victor, following several highly rated battles. Hogan, meanwhile, uses his wardrobe of tie-dyed muscle shirts and his world-class bandanna collection to win over pretty marketing executive Joan Severance, who learns early on that for him, money takes a back seat to charity work. Still, not even the well-oiled good Samaritan's immersion in children's charities can prevent Fuller and Lister from impugning wrestling's otherwise spotless reputation. He learns this firsthand when the villainous pair boorishly crash a charity function for doe-eyed moppets, and challenge Hogan to a fight. Hogan once again respectfully declines, leading Fuller to resort to such standard wrestling tactics as dispatching a goon to rape Severance, and having Lister paralyze Hogan's worshipful kid brother. To further force Hogan's hand, Fuller has his thugs kidnap Severance, and threatens him and his loved ones with grievous bodily harm if the wrestling champ doesn't take a dive. Hogan is understandably horrified by the prospect of fighting a wrestling match with a pre-determined outcome, but when he sees that Severance has successfully escaped her captors, he gathers the strength to finally beat Lister and Fuller for good. In real life, however, Hogan's loyalty to the WWF failed to match that of his cinematic alter ego, as he crossed over to Turner's WCW league a few years after No Holds Barred's release.