Traxx

Year releasted: 1988

by Nathan Rabin
February 27th, 2002

In the past two decades, golden-voiced radio personality Shadoe Stevens has become an unavoidable presence for those unwilling or unable to miss The New Hollywood Squares, Dave's World, and radio's America's Top 40. But like all renaissance men, Stevens has longed to expand his creative vistas, and in 1988, he made the jump to the big screen in Traxx, playing a civil-liberties-loathing lawman prone to shooting first and not asking questions, ever. But just who is this Traxx? And what are some of his more memorable features? The synth-pop song that accompanies Traxx's opening credits provides some answers: "He'll find you if you're on the run / He'll fight the odds one on one," it explains, before admonishing listeners to "Just relax, here comes Traxx / Get the facts or deal with Traxx." Sadly, criminals fail to heed the songbird's warning, which provokes Stevens to use excessive force, costing him his job. Soon, he becomes a mercenary in Central America, where he gleefully kills dozens of opposing soldiers who clearly lack the facts, and are subsequently forced to deal with Traxx. But after a number of misadventures, Stevens tires of the mercenary life and plots to make the transition into the considerably less dangerous game of cookie-baking. When a fellow mercenary expresses skepticism, Stevens assures him that "cookies are the new war," foreshadowing the bloody Famous Amos/Mrs. Fields skirmishes of the early '90s. But the new war proves nearly impossible to win, so Stevens hires on as a Texas "town tamer," a job that involves killing a lot of people with little provocation. Soon the streets are red with blood, and the ACLU and the town's criminals are both taking exception to Stevens' sociopathic brand of population control. Still, the hot-to-trot mayor (Priscilla Barnes) stands by him, and Stevens eventually succeeds in taming the town, proving that there's no social ill so big it can't be solved by a silky-voiced psychotic with absolute power, no conscience, and a limitless supply of ammunition.