The Van

Year releasted: 1976

by Keith Phipps
September 27th, 2000

For all the folklore on the subject, only a few substances are medically proven to work as aphrodisiacs. The Van posits another: customized fun truckin' wheels. Horny high-school grad Stuart Gertz can't get the time of day in his sporty convertible, so he trades in his old ride for a yellow van emblazoned with the words "Straight Arrow" and fully outfitted with a waterbed, mirrored ceiling, and mini-fridge stocked with canned beer. After cruising the town (to the strains of the Sammy Johns hit "Chevy Van"), Gertz decides to put his love machine to the test at Papa's Pizza. Using the timeless pick-up line, "Hey, you into vans?" and its can't-miss follow-up, "Do you want to go outside and share a joint in the back?" he learns just how effective his new possession can be. But Gertz soon discovers that van culture also has its dark side in the form of Stephen Oliver, a muscle-bound bully whose short temper and flame-painted van have made him the terror of the local dragsters. Gertz's failure to hide his attraction to Oliver's girlfriend (Connie Lisa Marie), a young woman fond of washing her car in tight T-shirts and cutoff shorts, does little to endear him to Oliver or shy, brainy beauty Deborah White, the one woman who seems immune to the charms of "Straight Arrow." After Gertz lovingly walks her through a gathering of local van enthusiasts (to the strains of the Sammy Johns hit "Chevy Van"), however, she starts to come around. But Gertz's troubles aren't behind him yet: After loaning crucial van-payment money to car-wash boss and local bookie Danny DeVito, he's forced to race Oliver in order to make ends meet. In the end, he learns a crucial lesson about love and materialism, riding off into the sunset with the girl of his dreams (to the strains of the Sammy Johns hit "Early Morning Love").