Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn

Year releasted: 1983

by Nathan Rabin
August 23rd, 2000

Films that strive to launch franchises are often undermined by interminable exposition, hilariously overwrought subtitles, and the frequently misplaced belief that people will want to see future installments. One would-be franchise-starter, Metalstorm: The Destruction Of Jared-Syn, was originally released as part of the short-lived early-'80s 3-D revival, and features a subtitle that implies a series of films documenting the Metalstorm saga. It stars future soap star Jeffrey Byron as a stoic ranger patrolling the suspiciously empty, quasi-futuristic desert planet Lemuria. While making the rounds in his dilapidated space vehicle, Byron encounters Kelly Preston, a plucky miner who uses what looks like a futuristic hair dryer and an old-fashioned pick to search for powerful crystals. After her crusty father/partner is vaporized by one-eyed baddies--creatively dubbed either "One-Eyes" or "Cyclopeans" and commandeered by a Toxic Avenger lookalike who shoots fluorescent goo from his metallic arm--Preston joins forces with Byron to enact revenge on the titular villain. But it isn't an easy task, and Jared-Syn (Michael Preston), who has become a massively powerful ruler despite sporting a hideous toupee, soon space-kidnaps Preston. Byron, meanwhile, travels to an intergalactic bar that suggests what Star Wars' cantina scene might look like if it were populated by science-fiction conventioneers sporting homemade costumes. There, he recruits boozehound Tim Thomerson to act as his guide to the Lost City, where Preston is being held. But the Lost City is fraught with peril, including carnivorous sand worms that resemble angry sock puppets and fierce but noble Cyclopean warrior (and Night Court star) Richard Moll. Thomerson and Byron eventually save Preston from her low-budget captors, but, contrary to the title, Jared-Syn and his bad toupee escape into a blur of cheap blinking lights, paving the way for a slew of sequels unlikely to hit theaters any time soon.