Holiday Movie Preview 1999

by Keith Phipps, Nathan Rabin
November 24th, 1999

For centuries, the prophecies of Michel de Nostredame, the 16th-century French physician better known as Nostradamus, have fascinated and confounded readers. From the French royalty of his day through Napoleon and Hitler, many have turned to his cryptic quatrains seeking indications of things to come, and many continue to search. With the new millennium approaching, a flurry of interest in Nostradamus has stirred throughout the world, yet those who look for the future in his writing have heretofore done so in vain. But now his time has come, for the events about which Nostradamus wrote will soon come to pass. Rather than wasting his time describing the comings and goings of Popes or the spread of famine (who cares?), Nostradamus was clearly describing the most momentous event of the millennium: this year's holiday movie season, the aftershocks of which will be felt for hundreds of years to come. Using as a guide Erika Cheetham's misguided annotated translation of The Prophecies Of Nostradamus—for years the final word in Nostradamalia—The Onion's A.V. Club offers this startling new take on Nostradamus' prophecies.

Angela's Ashes

Nostradamus says: Earthshaking fire from the centre of the earth will cause tremors around the New City. Two great rocks will war for a long time, then Arethusa will redden a new river. (Century I, Quatrain 87)

Standard Interpretation: An explosion in New York City

Correct Interpretation: This can only be a reference to Alan Parker's explosive adaptation of Frank McCourt's bestselling memoir of his impoverished childhood in Ireland and New York City, starring Emily Watson and Robert Carlyle as McCourt's fractious parents.

Global implications: The film's popularization of "Poor Irish" chic drives such fashion titans as Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger out of business. Brown hand-me-downs, potatoes, and stout are the order of the day. Inevitably, the rivers run red with blood.

Anna And The King

Nostradamus says: The infants transported into the islands, two out of seven will be in despair. Those of the soil will be supported by it, the name "shovel" taken, the hope of the leagues fails. (Century VIII, Quatrain 64)

Standard Interpretation: Britain in World War II

Correct Interpretation: Viewers will find themselves in despair upon realizing that this new take on the story that inspired Rodgers & Hammerstein's The King And I contains no songs. But wait until they see what's been shoveled in to take their place: Oscar winner Jodie Foster, Asian gunslinger Chow Yun Fat, and thousands of extras in fabulous period costumes.

Global implications: After flopping at the box office, Anna And The King sets a record as the worst-selling DVD ever, failing to woo viewers with an alternate audio track featuring apologetic director Andy Tennant (It Takes Two, Ever After) warbling such The King And I standards as "Getting To Know You" and "Hello, Young Lovers."

Any Given Sunday

Nostradamus says: The shadow of the kingdom of Navarre is not true, it will make the life of a strong man illegal. The uncertain vow promised at Cambrai, the king of Orleans will give a lawful boundary. (Century X, Quatrain 45)

Standard Interpretation: The reign of Henri IV of Navarre

Correct Interpretation: Following the release of this football drama—in which Al Pacino plays the coach of a team that replaces its aging star quarterback (Dennis Quaid) with young upstart Jamie Foxx—director and illegal strong man Oliver Stone will be arrested for his attempts to uncover conspiracies.

Global implications: Delighted by not having to sit through Oliver Stone movies anymore, the public becomes more accepting of shadowy secret governments, leading to a collapse of democracy around the world.

Bicentennial Man

Nostradamus says: The captive escaped great dangers, his fortune greatly changed in a short time. The people are trapped in the palace, by good omen, the besieged city. (Century X, Quatrain 24)

Standard Interpretation: Napoleon's escape from Elba

Correct Interpretation: Audiences watching Chris Columbus' adaptation of an Isaac Asimov story about a robot who wants to become a man will suddenly realize that they are capable of free will and do not have to suffer through heart-warming Robin Williams vehicles. Rioting and looting rock theaters worldwide.

Global implications: After an unsuccessful attempt to revive Mork And Mindy as a syndicated TV series, Williams is elected president on the Reform Party ticket, leading to martial law and a military dictatorship.

The Cider House Rules

Nostradamus says: When the animal tamed by man begins to speak after great efforts and difficulty, the lightning so harmful to the rod will be taken from the earth and suspended in the air. (Century III, Quatrain 44)

Standard Interpretation: Electricity

Correct Interpretation: Filmmakers have had a hard time taming the animal that is John Irving's much-loved novel The Cider House Rules. After attempts dating back to 1991, it will finally hit screens in the hands of director Lasse Hallstrom (My Life As A Dog, What's Eating Gilbert Grape) and star Tobey Maguire.

Global implications: The Cider House Rules is a hit, but an even bigger success follows in June, when the Cider House-inspired "Homer And Wally (Apples From Maine)" becomes a summer anthem for boy band 98°.

Cradle Will Rock

Nostradamus says: The copies of gold and silver inflated, which after the theft were thrown into the lake, at the discovery that all is exhausted and dissipated by the debt. All scrips and bonds will be wiped out. (Century VII, Quatrain 28)

Standard Interpretation: Paper money

Correct Interpretation: Premiering early in December, Tim Robbins' Cradle Will Rock will "wipe out" the James Bond film The World Is Not Enough at the box office. Audiences will seek out Robbins' retelling of Orson Welles and John Houseman's difficult staging of a capitalism-questioning play rather than indulging in the usual batch of explosions and one-liners.

Global implications: Shortly after its premiere, life imitates art as the powers that be crack down on Robbins' film. Undaunted, he follows Houseman and Welles' example and travels the world with his star-packed cast (Susan Sarandon, John Cusack, Emily Watson, Cary Elwes), performing his film on bare stages with neither props nor costumes. Following Robbins' example, Peter Hyams has less success with his minimal stage production of End Of Days.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

Nostradamus says: Various sects will arise in Germany which will come near to a happy paganism. The heart captive, the returns small, they will return to pay the true tithe. (Century III, Quatrain 76)

Standard Interpretation: The rise of Protestantism

Correct Interpretation: In Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, comedian Rob Schneider will capture the hearts of women far and wide when he steps in for a vacationing male prostitute.

Global implications: After its failure to find an audience in America, Deuce Bigalow, like Married With Children and David Hasselhoff before it, becomes a major hit in Germany. The cult of Bigalowism gives rise to the "happy paganism" of which Nostradamus writes. Its reign stretches into the 23rd century, when the reanimated corpse of Melanie Hutsell returns to judge the righteous and the wicked.

End Of Days

Nostradamus says: Nostradamus has nothing to say about the new Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle End Of Days, in which Satan (Gabriel Byrne) brings about a global apocalypse. His writings do, however, contain several zingers about Schwarzenegger's 1996 family romp Jingle All The Way.

Global implications: Stunned by the prophet's inability to foresee End Of Days, the public begins to speculate that Nostradamus' predictions are vague and ultimately worthless.

The End Of The Affair

Nostradamus says: After great misery for mankind an even greater approaches when the great cycle of the centuries is renewed. It will rain blood, milk, famine, war and disease: In the sky will be seen a fire, dragging a trail of sparks. (Century II, Quatrain 46)

Standard Interpretation: World War III

Correct Interpretation: As part of a bizarre promotional campaign, director Neil Jordan will insist that each screening of his new adaptation of Graham Greene's The End Of The Affair, starring Ralph Fiennes and Julianne Moore as a tortured adulterous couple, climax in a deluge of blood and milk.

Global implications: Strangely enough, audiences embrace Jordan's approach. It becomes standard practice for moviegoers to emerge from theaters drenched in strange liquids, a practice that persists through the 25th century when, for obvious reasons, it will end.

Flawless

Nostradamus says: By the aqueduct of Uzes by Gard, through the forest and inaccessible mountain; in the middle of the bridge he will be cut in the hand, the chief of Nimes who will be very terrible. (Century V, Quatrain 58)

Standard Interpretation: A skirmish between opposing forces at a Roman aqueduct

Correct Interpretation: Joel Schumacher, the man behind such "very terrible" movies as 8MM and Batman And Robin, will write and direct this drama about a transvestite (Philip Seymour Hoffman) who befriends a conservative security guard (Robert De Niro) after the latter's stroke.

Global implications: Under a Draconian set of early-21st-century entertainment laws, Schumacher is sentenced to live in a cave for an indefinite period of time. There, he discovers a polio vaccine, an achievement diminished when people realize that a vaccine for polio already exists.

Galaxy Quest

Nostradamus says: Stained with murder and enormous adulteries, great enemy of all mankind, he will be worse than his ancestors, uncles and fathers, in steel, fire and water, bloody and inhuman. (Century X, Quatrain 10)

Standard Interpretation: Napoleon's rise

Correct Interpretation: References to an "enemy of mankind" who is both "bloody and inhuman" can only point to Tim Allen, star of Galaxy Quest. The lead actor of a Star Trek-like TV show, Allen will find himself in hot water when real aliens mistake him and his crew (which includes Sigourney Weaver) for real space warriors.

Global implications: Stung by the commercial failure of Galaxy Quest, Allen rebounds by looking back at his younger days with an autobiographical animated series capturing the lighter side of prison life.

Girl, Interrupted

Nostradamus says: Mars, Mercury and the moon in conjunction towards the south there will be a great drought. An earthquake will be reported from the depths of Asia, both Corinth and Ephesus then in a troubled state. (Century III, Quatrain 3)

Standard Interpretation: A drought in England and Holland

Correct Interpretation: James Mangold's adaptation of Susanna Kaysen's acclaimed autobiographical novel will tell the story of a pair of distressed young women (Angelina Jolie and Winona Ryder) who rebel against the troubled state within a mental hospital during the late '60s.

Global implications: Mangold's film raises awareness of the many cruel and dehumanizing aspects of mental hospitals. Improvement efforts grind to a halt, however, when lawmakers realize that most of the people in such institutions are prescription-drug-addled misfits far less attractive than Jolie or Ryder.

The Green Mile

Nostradamus says: A promontory stands between two seas: A man who will die later by the bit of a horse; Neptune unfurls a black sail for his man; the fleet near Gibraltar and Rocheval. (Century I, Quatrain 77)

Standard Interpretation: The Battle Of Trafalgar

Correct Interpretation: The Green Mile will find writer/director Frank Darabont adapting a Stephen King story set in a prison, his second such film after The Shawshank Redemption. Star Tom Hanks will be endorsed by "his man," the ancient god of the sea Neptune, at The Green Mile's star-studded premiere.

Global implications: Plans to feature Hanks' co-star, the intelligent mouse Mr. Jingles, in a series of films unravel when working with Jingles proves difficult. Jingles is then fed to rising star Mr. Talons, a hawk possessing only average intelligence but remarkable charisma.

The Hurricane

Nostradamus says: The nephew shall prove by great strength the crime committed by a cowardly heart. The duke will try Ferrera and Asti; then when the comedy takes place in the evening. (Century IV, Quatrain 73)

Standard Interpretation: The assassination of Duke DeBerry

Correct Interpretation: The Hurricane will follow the trial and imprisonment of boxer Rubin "Hurricane" Carter (Denzel Washington), who, despite great strength, is falsely convicted of a crime conducted with a cowardly heart in Academy Award winner Norman Jewison's latest film.

Global implications: Sickened by the thought of a man being convicted of a crime he didn't commit, the president pardons Leonard Peltier and Mumia Abu-Jamal. The two then team up for a tri-state killing spree, leaving 14 dead.

Man On The Moon

Nostradamus says: The great speechmaker, shameless and bold, will be elected governor of the army. The boldness of his contention, the broken bridge, the city faint from fear. (Century III, Quatrain 81)

Standard Interpretation: The relationship between Pontefract and Cromwell

Correct Interpretation: Jim Carrey will win an Oscar for his performance in Milos Forman's biopic of legendary comedian Andy Kaufman. But good will turns to horror when, in a shameless and audacious move, Carrey trots out his trademark talking-ass routine to deliver his acceptance speech.

Global implications: Thanks to Man On The Moon and Bicentennial Man, newfound interest in both Kaufman and robotic escapades causes rentals of the 1981 Kaufman-as-a-robot vehicle Heartbeeps to increase dramatically. By its centennial in 2081, as many as 750 people will have seen the film.

Magnolia

Nostradamus says: At night they will think they have seen the sun, when they see the half pig man: Noise screams, battles seen fought in the skies. The brute beasts will be heard to speak. (Century I, Quatrain 64)

Standard Interpretation: Air warfare

Correct Interpretation: For his follow-up to Boogie Nights, writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson will create a sprawling film examining the hidden connections binding a diverse group of Los Angelenos, including Julianne Moore, Jason Robards, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Philip Baker Hall, William H. Macy, and Tom Cruise. In contrast to previous predictions, which had him playing a charismatic men's-group leader, Cruise will surprise all by playing a half pig man who fights in the sky.

Global implications: Those who have followed character actor and Anderson regular John C. Reilly's colorful career are horrified in 2022 when his nefarious plans to revive the cruel sport of bear-baiting are revealed at last.

Next Friday

Nostradamus says: The sky will burn at forty-five degrees, fire approaches the great New City. Immediately a huge, scattered flame leaps up when they want to have proof of the Normans. (Century VI, Quatrain 97)

Standard Interpretation: The bombing of New York

Correct Interpretation: Ice Cube's career will be on fire after the success of this sequel to his 1995 stoner comedy Friday. Villain Tommy "Tiny" "Zeus" Lister Jr. will become a huge star, adopting several new nicknames in the process, among them "Biggie," "Meanie," and "Xtra-Large."

Global implications: Cube keeps pumping out sequels until 2037, when The Friday After The Friday After The Friday That Happened In Next Friday flops.

Ride With The Devil

Nostradamus says: Defenses undermined by the spirit of the kingdom people will be stirred up against their king. A new peace is made, holy laws become worse, never was Paris in such great trouble. (Century VI, Quatrain 23)

Standard Interpretation: The French Revolution

Correct Interpretation: Upset that it features neither the devil nor all that much riding, audiences will reject Ang Lee's novelistic Civil War drama about divided loyalties along the Kansas­p;Missouri border starring Tobey Maguire, Jeffrey Wright, and Jewel. Through a complicated chain of events, this will result in a revolt against the king.

Global implications: Overlooked in its time, Ride With The Devil is revived early in the 22nd century. Future moviegoers are intrigued by the surprisingly effective performance of Jewel, but ultimately disappointed to learn that she was best known in her time as an insufferable singer, yodeler, and poetess. Plans for a line of Jewel clones are scrapped.

Stuart Little

Nostradamus says: The greedy prelate deceived by ambition, he will think that nothing is too great (for him). He and his messengers, completely trapped, the man who cuts the woods sees all in reverse. (Century VI, Quatrain 93)

Standard Interpretation: Protestants breaking up the faith of Rome

Correct Interpretation: Stuart Little will tell the story of an adorable little fellow (voiced by Michael J. Fox) who is adopted by a loving family (Geena Davis and British comedian Hugh Laurie), despite being both a mouse and a greedy prelate.

Global implications: After Stuart Little wins the hearts of international audiences, the status of mice improves considerably. Mice take over in the late 2100s, a move made far less traumatic when it is revealed that mankind's new rulers are generally decent folks who aren't inclined to impose radical changes.

Sweet And Lowdown

Nostradamus says: Letters are found in the queen's chests, no signature and no name of the author. The ruse will conceal the offers; so that they do not know who the lover is. (Century XIII, Quatrain 23)

Standard Interpretation: Mary Queen Of Scot's Casket Letters

Correct Interpretation: Woody Allen will write and direct Sweet And Lowdown, a comedy-drama about the romantic entanglements of a fictional jazz musician (Sean Penn). Uma Thurman, Samantha Morton, and Anthony LaPaglia will also appear, while Village Voice scribe Nat Hentoff will turn in a cameo as himself.

Global implications: The film results in a wave of teenybopper-fueled Hentoff-mania. Hentoff's face appears on T-shirts, bedspreads, and dozens of quickie biographies. Eventually, the trend abates when teenage girls realize that Hentoff is a dry academic interested in First Amendment issues, and not a member of the Backstreet Boys.

The Talented Mr. Ripley

Nostradamus says: The royal bird over the city of the sun will give a nightly warning for seven months; the wall in the East will fall, thunder and lightning, in seven days the enemies directly to the gates. (Century V, Quatrain 81)

Standard Interpretation: The Berlin Wall

Correct Interpretation: After months of anticipation, dating from its trailer's premiere last summer, Anthony Minghella's adaptation of Patricia Highsmith's classic thriller (previously filmed in France as Purple Noon) will finally hit screens. Alongside Gwyneth Paltrow, Matt Damon will star as the title character, an amoral American in Europe who takes over the life of playboy Jude Law.

Global implications: A runaway success, The Talented Mr. Ripley leads to adaptations of Highsmith's sequels, which include Ripley Under Ground and The Boy Who Followed Ripley. After exhausting Highsmith's original material, filmmakers create their own, a trend that exhausts itself with the universally reviled Battle For The Planet Of The Talented Mr. Ripleys.