Summer Movie Preview 1999
by Keith Phipps, Nathan Rabin
May 19th, 1999
Take a look at what's slated for the summer of '99: Not only do these films look inferior to those released during the unforgettable summer of 1998, but the would-be blockbusters of '99 are downright dangerous. We live in troubled times, and while some say the products of the entertainment industry merely reflect those times, others warn that they can directly cause violence, immorality, and societal decline while reminding victims and other upright citizens of the mixed-up, bottled-up, shook-up state of things. After carefully reviewing the materials relating to these movies (with the exception of Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace, about which no information could be found), The Onion's A.V. Club has chosen to err on the side of caution. The following films should be banned.
American Pie
Irresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Four high-school seniors decide that it might be a good idea to lose their virginity. After a discussion of the pros and cons of teen sexuality spiked with bon mots, literary allusions, and a digression regarding the impact of technology on religious faith, they vow to do so before graduation, making a pact to support each other's attempts. Also, somebody fucks a pie.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: While the quest to lose one's virginity is a subject to which many can relate, it can hardly compare to the awe-inspiring nature of last year's more magical quest, the classic animated masterpiece Quest For Camelot.
Why It Should Be Banned: American Pie not only suggests that teens should engage in the abhorrent practice of sexual intercourse; it will also prove offensive to anyone who has lost a dessert to the epidemic of pastry-fucking.
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged MeIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In this sequel to the surprise 1997 hit, Mike Myers once again plays Austin Powers, who must fight Dr. Evil (Myers again) when Dr. Evil travels back to the '60s to steal Powers' mojo. A rumored romantic subplot has Myers marrying a woman who just might be an axe-murderer. Expect Austin Powers 2 to feature enough cheeky catch phrases to provide third-rate comedians, broadcasters, entertainment writers, and precocious sixth-graders with punchlines for at least another two years.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Studio executives have high hopes for The Spy Who Shagged Me, but in terms of Anglophilic shenanigans, no film can compete with the 1998 blockbuster The Avengers, with its super-sexy secret agents and spectacular special effects.
Why It Should Be Banned: Officials in Singapore have already ordered that Austin Powers 2's scandalous subtitle be changed from The Spy Who Shagged Me to the far less suggestive Austin Powers: Happy Go-Go Lucky Punk-Rock Kung-Fu Money Sequel. Unless the same thing happens here, stay away.
Big DaddyIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Adam Sandler, America's favorite aging, funny-talking frat boy, stars in Big Daddy as an aging, funny-talking, frat-boyish law-school dropout who must take care of a lovable scamp.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Adam Sandler might be the new king of comedy, but all the silly voices in the world won't make Big Daddy stack up to 1998's "big mama": a sly beast named Godzilla who stole America's heart during her whirlwind tour of New York City.
Why It Should Be Banned: The title Big Daddy will likely offend those who still mourn the death of "Big Poppa," The Notorious B.I.G.
Bowfinger
Irresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Steve Martin plays the title character, a director desperate to work with a hot star played by Eddie Murphy. To do so, he follows Murphy around, filming him surreptitiously.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Never mind 1998. How can Martin possibly top the comedic highs of this year's The Out-Of-Towners?
Why It Should Be Banned: Can a nation still reeling from the prospect of a videotape of Kelsey Grammer masturbating possibly be entertained by anything remotely similar?
Deep Blue SeaIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Flaxen-haired foreigner Renny Harlin directs this terror-ifying tale of sharks wreaking havoc. Samuel L. Jackson, Thomas Jane, and a bigger and/or deffer LL Cool J lead a superstar cast that includes Wing Commander star Saffron Burrows.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: While nothing from 1998 directly resembles Deep Blue Sea, die-hard fans are too busy lining up for this fall's gators-run-amok thriller Lake Placid, written by frightmaster and Ally McBeal creator David E. Kelley.
Why It Should Be Banned: Impressionable young sharks viewing Deep Blue Sea are likely to come away with the message that it's okay to go around killing human beings.
Dudley Do-Right
Irresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Encino Man's Brendan Fraser stars in this big-budget adaptation of everyone's third or fourth favorite Jay Ward cartoon character, a lovably inept mountie who engages in shenanigans with Sarah Jessica Parker.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Though it was released well before the unforgettable summer of 1998, the hilarious 1992 Dave Thomas/Sally Kellerman vehicle Boris And Natasha set an impossibly high standard for live-action films based on Jay Ward cartoons.
Why It Should Be Banned: With controversy surrounding the New York Police Department tearing our nation apart, now is no time for a film that makes comical heroes out of mounted policemen.
Eyes Wide ShutIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Though not known for their enthusiasm toward the psychiatric arts, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise play married psychiatrists who embark on a campaign of sexual brinkmanship, an activity that may involve Leelee Sobieski, Sydney Pollack, and a warm apple pie.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: The mournful tone of those attending director Stanley Kubrick's final film may rival—but never surpass—that of the teary-eyed moviegoers who flocked to Chris Farley's summer-of-'98 swan song, Almost Heroes.
Why It Should Be Banned: The 90-second preview to Eyes Wide Shut suggests that Kidman and Cruise engage in sex that deviates from the God-sanctioned missionary position. As if that weren't enough, Hollywood wags have insinuated that the plot may even involve the commandment-busting sin of adultery.
The General's DaughterIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: When the titular general's daughter turns up dead, only John Travolta and Madeleine Stowe can get to the bottom of things.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Who wants to see full-sized soldiers when they could be watching the miniature ones found in the record-setting Small Soldiers?
Why It Should Be Banned: Considering the putty-like impressionability of America's youth, if this film gets out, no general's daughter will be safe.
The HauntingIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In an adaptation of the Shirley Jackson novella (and remake of the 1963 film of the same name), Lili Taylor, Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Owen Wilson play investigators who spend time in a big, spooky mansion.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: The Haunting may have the word in its title, but what could be more haunting than the suspense-packed A Perfect Murder?
Why It Should Be Banned: After seeing the film, easily corrupted youngsters may attempt to haunt their own houses.
Inspector GadgetIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: After being wounded in an explosion, Matthew Broderick's broken, battered body is rebuilt by an attractive scientist played by Joely Fisher, turning him into an expensive, live-action version of a cheap '80s cartoon character.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Who needs the flashy Inspector Gadget when you can watch the flashy feats of justice performed by the flesh-and-blood heroes of Lethal Weapon 4?
Why It Should Be Banned: Aside from marking the long-awaited return of Cool As Ice director David Kellogg, Inspector Gadget features a man who can fly. Only witches can fly.
InstinctIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Anthony Hopkins plays a gorilla expert who may have committed murder. Cuba Gooding Jr. tries to get to the bottom of things.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: No Jane March? No Casper Van Dien? As psychologically probing jungle adventures involving apes go, it surely can't top last summer's Tarzan And The Lost City.
Why It Should Be Banned: If you let your children see this, and they go on to become Pepsi One drinkers, you have only yourself to blame.
The MuseIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In Albert Brooks' latest film, Zeus' daughter (Sharon Stone) helps a struggling writer (Brooks) get his groove back.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: When it comes to urbane comedy, can Brooks compete with the rakish wit of the Harrison Ford/Anne Heche vehicle 6 Days 7 Nights? And can Brooks' performance really compare to Ford's delicious Ed O'Neill impersonation?
Why It Should Be Banned: The last thing we need right now is a film encouraging miscegenation between red-blooded Americans and Greek gods.
Mystery MenIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Ben Stiller, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofalo, and William H. Macy play a bunch of underwhelming superheroes who must save the world from Geoffrey Rush.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: As good as he may be, audiences still too strongly identify Geoffrey Rush with his role in the 1998 remake of Les Misérables.
Why It Should Be Banned: The presence of Kel Mitchell without Good Burger sidekick Kenan Thompson may signal the end of the greatest comic duo since Ted Danson and Howie Mandel in 1986's A Fine Mess. There's still time to stop that from happening.
Notting HillIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In a bit of inventive casting, Hugh Grant plays an amiable, witty man who stutters charmingly and blinks frequently as he falls in love with Julia Roberts, cast against type as a beautiful, spunky, slightly neurotic American actress. But can their love overcome the stresses of celebrity life and their vast cultural differences?
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Although their teaming shows promise, it's unlikely that Grant and Roberts will make anyone forget the intense romantic chemistry between Norm Macdonald and Traylor Howard in Dirty Work.
Why It Should Be Banned: In addition to starring brazen, divorced harlot Julia Roberts and whoring foreigner Hugh Grant, Notting Hill also features movie stars playing movie stars, a twist that's likely to confuse and infuriate celebrity stalkers. That's an especially tasteless and regrettable coincidence given the 1989 shooting death of actress Rebecca Schaeffer.
Runaway BrideIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: For years, audiences have waited for Garry Marshall, director of Exit To Eden, Richard Gere, star of Red Corner, and Mary Reilly herself, Julia Roberts, to again team up in a lighthearted comedy. Wait no longer, for in Runaway Bride, Roberts plays a dizzy dame who can't stop almost getting hitched. Can strapping heterosexual Gere possibly straighten her out?
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Gere and Roberts' romantic gamesmanship can't possibly measure up to that in BASEketball, the film that made Dian Bachar a household name and had everyone playing a crazy new game mixing elements of baseball and basketball.
Why It Should Be Banned: Not everyone takes the institution of marriage as lightly as jezebel Roberts, divorced Eastern-religion proponent Gere, or the other miscreants behind this institution-mocking travesty.
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut
Irresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: The South Park gang engages in some antics, some of which are said to involve a battle against censorship. Early word indicates that South Park character Kenny might die at some point during the film.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut looks to be little more than a big-budget attempt to exploit the fleeting popularity of a hit TV show, unlike 1998's thrilling The X-Files: Fight The Future.
Why It Should Be Banned: This is a tough one. While children will be drawn to the South Park movie because of its bright colors and lovable cartoon characters, they'll likely be turned off by its raunchiness, R rating, scatological humor, and frequent cursing.
Summer Of SamIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In the summer of 1977, New York is haunted by its first serial killer. Young punk Adrien Brody falls under suspicion, testing the loyalty of a friend played by The Pest's John Leguizamo.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Spike Lee's vision of a world torn apart by violence will have a hard time matching that of the immortal comedy sensation Jane Austen's Mafia!
Why It Should Be Banned: Serial killer David Berkowitz brutally murders several couples making out in cars; Summer Of Sam might encourage teens to make out in cars.
TarzanIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In this animated companion piece to a series of McDonald's Happy Meals, an aristocratic white male is raised by animals in Africa and goes on to become King Of The Jungle, necessitating songs about how important it is to believe in oneself.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Tarzan And The Lost City aside, can any Tarzan movie possibly succeed without the participation of John and/or Bo Derek? Time will tell.
Why It Should Be Banned: Tarzan's violent plane crash should hit too close to home for those who remember that one really bad plane crash that happened that one time.
Teaching Mrs. TingleIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In Scream and Dawson's Creek creator Kevin Williamson's directorial debut, a shrewish teacher (Helen Mirren) is taken hostage by one of her students (Katie Holmes), leading to hilarious 9 To 5-style antics.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Holmes may have devised a devious trap in Teaching Mrs. Tingle, but can she make anyone forget the twofer performance of adorable pre-teen pixie Lindsey Lohan in The Parent Trap?
Why It Should Be Banned: Is America ready to laugh at a hostage-themed comedy so soon after 1980's gut-wrenching Iranian hostage crisis?
The Thomas Crown AffairIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: Pierce Brosnan is a multi-millionaire who orchestrates high-stakes heists involving famous paintings. Rene Russo is an art-insurance agent. Could these two crazy kids possibly fall in love?
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Brosnan may have suavity and Russo may have sizzle, but will their romance make anyone forget the one shared by cow-eyed Ethan Embry and bullet-breasted Jennifer Love Hewitt in Can't Hardly Wait?
Why It Should Be Banned: It's a thin line between lifting the masterpieces of Claude Monet and five-finger-discounting a pack of Nutter Butters. Can you trust your children to know the difference?
Wild Wild WestIrresponsible, Violence-Inspiring Plot: In this nearly $200 million western romp, The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air and The January Man team up in the wild, wild west to battle an arrogant mad scientist played by famous Southern actor and Gingerbread Man star Kenneth Branagh.
Why It Will Be Far Inferior To A Similar Film Released In The Summer Of 1998: Can any summer blockbuster compete with the romance, the thrills, or the sheer excitement of the universally loved Armageddon? And could any of the supporting characters in Wild Wild West possibly make anyone forget Steve Buscemi's scampish Rockhound or Will Patton's noble Chick?
Why It Should Be Banned: With every blockbuster hit, it becomes less likely that Will Smith will reunite with DJ Jazzy Jeff and put out their long-awaited He's Still The DJ, I'm Still The Rapper comeback album. Don't encourage this sad trend by feeding Smith's bizarre belief that he no longer needs Jazzy Jeff to succeed.