Around this time of year, many newspapers and magazines assemble gift guides for the holidays, guides whose loving descriptions of the latest high-tech gadgets and other consumer fetish items blur the line between advertising and legitimate content in a way seldom found outside of late-night infomercials. For many publications, they also serve as opportunities for writers to score free samples of said items, no doubt allowing them to cross a few names off their shopping lists. Those are fine reasons to publish a gift guide, but why not take it to the next level and publish one that allows its authors, their publication, its friends, and other benefactors to score perks in a more direct manner, stopping just short of soliciting monetary donations? With that in mind, we present The Onion's Grotesquely Self-Interested Holiday Gift Guide, carefully designed to give you smart gift ideas while funneling cash into the coffers of The Onion, its staff and supporters, and those who sent us lavish items for free. (Note to manufacturers: This feature will repeat next year.) Merry Christmas, one and all!
Items From Which The Onion Directly Profits
Item: Onion subscriptions
Cost: $50 (46 issues)
subscribe.theonion.com
Who It Benefits: The Onion
Why You Should Buy It: For years, you've read The Onion for free, either in print or on the web. Or perhaps you're a new reader who paid a nominal fee at a savvy independent bookstore or Barnes & Noble, or perhaps Borders. It's given you a lot without asking you for anything. So why not show your appreciation by subscribing, thereby avoiding the hassle of ever again having to type in our web address (www.theonion.com) or bend down to pick up the paper? Maybe you have a friend who would enjoy reading The Onion. Subscriptions make great gifts, and the personable operators you can reach by dialing 800/695-4376 will be happy to make you or someone you know the lucky recipient of an Onion subscription.
Item: Onion T-shirts
Cost: $14 (L & XL), $15 (XXL);
store.theonion.com
Who It Benefits: The Onion
Why You Should Buy It: These days, style is more important than ever, and nothing says style quite like a fashionable brand name. Calvin, Tommy, Versace... each has become shorthand for one succinct, unmistakable message: "I have style, and I'm not afraid who knows it." Well, make room for one more name: The Onion. For that big night on the town or for just lounging around the house, nothing says class like the green Onion logo. Also available with an assortment of slogans, Onion T-shirts will impress friends, passers-by, and even that special someone.
Item: Onion caps
Cost: $16; store.theonion.com
Who It Benefits: The Onion
Why You Should Buy It: Worn forward, backward, or even slightly to one side, nothing expresses a rakish, devil-may-care attitude quite like a baseball cap. But caps aren't just for baseball teams anymore. They're also for newspapers. And no newspaper has a better reputation for quality baseball caps than The Onion. Also goes well with an Onion T-shirt.
Item: Onion mugs
Cost: $7; store.theonion.com
Who It Benefits: The Onion
Why You Should Buy It: Whether you're an on-the-go executive or a mountain-bike-riding Gen-Xer, odds are you love beverages. And what better way to transport beverages than with an Onion coffee mug? Made of sturdy ceramic, these little beauties are emblazoned with one of two irreverent slogans: "Fuck off. I'm reading The Onion," and "You are dumb." Whether you're working in the mailroom or as a CEO, these mugs are sure-fire conversation-starters for office drones everywhere.
Item: The Onion Presents Not For Broadcast
Cost: $14.99 (CD), $9.99 (cassette); store.theonion.com
Who It Benefits: The Onion
Why You Should Buy It: Remember the golden age of radio? Sitting in the family kitchen, one ear cocked to the RCA, listening to the adventures of that unstoppable crime-fighter The Shadow or the good-hearted japery of Fred Allen? Now you can relive those heady days with The Onion's long-playing Not For Broadcast compact disc.
Item: Our Dumb Century: 100 Years Of Headlines From America's Finest News Source
Cost: $14 (available in April)
Who It Benefits: The Onion, Crown Publishing
Why You Should Buy It: America's bookstore shelves are already overloaded with millennial texts of all kinds, from century-in-review books to instruction manuals on how to cope with the dreaded Y2K bug. The only one you'll ever need? The Onion's Our Dumb Century: 100 Years Of Headlines From America's Finest News Source. It hits bookstores everywhere in April, and it's the definitive text of our time. Featuring Onion covers spanning the entire 20th century—156 in all—Our Dumb Century will be a staple of classrooms and bathrooms for the next 100 years!
Items Created Or Sold By The Onion's Staff, Ownership, Contributors, Friends, And Hangers-On
Item: Jim's Journal collections: I Feel Like A Grown-Up Now, I Got A Job And It Wasn't That Bad, I Got Married If You Can Believe That, I Made Some Brownies And They Were Pretty Good, I Went To College And It Was Okay
Cost: $6.95$7.95
Who It Benefits: Cartoonist and Onion editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers
Why You Should Buy It: A unique, endearing, minimalist comic strip once featured in the pages of this paper, Onion editor Scott Dikkers' Jim's Journal is now available in a series of paperback collections. Follow Jim through his arrival at college, his various jobs, and numerous other low-key adventures. Note: The acclaimed brownie-making storyline can be found in the third collection, I Made Some Brownies And They Were Pretty Good.
Item: Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Advice Columnist
Cost: $12.95
Who It Benefits: Dan Savage, Plume Publishing
Why You Should Buy It: Everyone who has been clipping sex-advice columnist Dan Savage's columns and pasting them into a scrapbook each week can throw those messy time-wasters away. Savage Love: Straight Answers From America's Most Popular Sex Advice Columnist collects more than 300 letters to (and answers from) Savage, rendering all homemade collections obsolete.
Item: Want To Go Out For A Bite?: Marv Albert's Favorite Pick-Up Line And Other Jokes From The Headlines
Cost: $8.95
Who It Benefits: Onion staff writer Tim Harrod, Andrews & McMeel Publishing
Why You Should Buy It: Ever been in a situation where you needed the perfect Marv Albert or Lorena Bobbitt joke, but just couldn't think of one? No need to feel embarrassed. We all have, which is what makes Want To Go Out For A Bite?—a collection of popular, topical jokes compiled from the Internet and other sources by Onion writer Tim Harrod—the perfect book for everyone everywhere, and a peerless time capsule of late-mid- to early-late-'90s water-cooler humor.
Item: Jim Anchower screenplay
Cost: Free to the right people
Who It Benefits: Onion columnist Jim Anchower
Why You Should Buy It: Whether you're a movie executive or an indie filmmaker with a dream, odds are you've read The Onion's Jim Anchower column and thought to yourself, "That kid oughta be in the pictures!" Now, here's your opportunity to turn that dream into reality with the Jim Anchower screenplay. Contact Jim, in care of The Onion, for a treatment.
Item: Mama's Boyz book
Cost: $9.95 + $2 shipping (Jerry Craft, 304 Main Ave., #114W, Norwalk, CT 06851)
Who It Benefits: Cartoonist Jerry Craft, King Features Syndicate
Why You Should Buy It: The most popular comic strip in The Onion's Funny Business section, Mama's Boyz documents the travails of such lovable characters as Yusuf, Tyrell, and, of course, straight-talking matriarch Mama. The problem with Mama's Boyz running in The Onion once a week is that it's a daily strip; you're getting only a small fraction of the story! But with cartoonist Jerry Craft's delightful new compendium, you can catch up with all the latest Mama's Boyz action! Buy one today!
Item: Spaceman film
Cost: Available at select film festivals; prices vary.
Who It Benefits: Director and Onion editor-in-chief Scott Dikkers
Why You Should Buy It: Every low-budget, non-studio-backed film of the past five years seems to revolve around twentysomethings living and loving in the go-go '90s. Scott Dikkers' Spaceman, winner of the coveted Audience Award at the 1998 Austin Film Festival, has absolutely nothing to do with twentysomethings living and loving in the go-go '90s. Instead, it's a science-fiction action comedy about a spaceman who's programmed to kill, but finds his humanity on Earth. Are you a moneyed studio executive looking for a hot moviemaking commodity? Buy the rights to Spaceman, but stay away from Scott—he's ours!
Item: Aden, Black Cow (Teenbeat Records)
Vitesse, A Certain Hostility (Hidden Agenda/Parasol Records)
Cost: $10 (Aden: Teenbeat Records, P.O. Box 3265, Arlington, VA 22203), $7.50 (Vitesse: Parasol Records, 905 S. Lynn St., Urbana, IL 61801)
Who It Benefits: Drummer, musician, and Onion A.V. Club staff writer Joshua Klein, his bandmates, Teenbeat Records, Parasol Records
Why You Should Buy It: Whether you love beautifully shimmering pop, Aden-style, or haunting synth-pop, a la Vitesse, you'll love these two fine compact discs, both of which feature the right-on musical assistance of Chicago-based A.V. Club staff writer Joshua Klein. Keep on rockin', J.J.!
Item: Mr. Show merchandise & HBO subscriptions
Cost: Prices vary; www.mrshow.com
Who It Benefits: Mr. Show's cast and crew, HBO
Why You Should Buy It: Ever feel like your life is missing something? Well, maybe that something is HBO's Mr. Show, a guffaw-inducing sketch-comedy show featuring two of the nuttiest jesters this side of Olsen and Johnson—David Cross and Bob Odenkirk! They'll have you in stitches with their riotous brand of tomfoolery. But that's not all! There's Mr. Show merchandise on the market, as well, including a T-shirt featuring the Mr. Show logo rendered in crazy Japanimation style! And if you subscribe to HBO, you'll also be able to watch the award-winning American Undercover series, and perhaps even some Hollywood movies, some of which feature such beloved actors as Corbin Bernsen, Kim Cattrall, and Paul Reiser!
Item: Comics Buyer's Guide subscriptions
Cost: $20.95 (six months/26 issues); free sample (Free Sample, c/o Comics Buyer's Guide, 700 E. State St., Iola, WI 54990)
Who It Benefits: Editor Maggie Thompson, mother of Onion A.V. Club Editor Stephen Thompson
Why You Should Buy It: Do you love comic books? Well, there's no better source for the latest comics-industry news and views than CBG, your definitive guide to all things comics! But why take our word for it, when a simple request letter scores you your own free sample copy? You can't lose!
Item: Pathetic Geek Stories T-shirts
Cost: $13 (write to Pathetic Geek Stories, in care of The Onion)
Who It Benefits: Cartoonist and Onion staff writer Maria Schneider
Why You Should Buy It: Remember childhood? How about adolescence? Those were some crazy, embarrassing times, weren't they? Remember that time you got that gum stuck in your hair? Or that time you got caught telling that fib about how Gene Simmons was your uncle? And, oh, those hairstyles! Well now you can relive those awkward, gangly years by wearing one of Maria Schneider's Pathetic Geek Stories T-shirts!
Item: Red Meat and More Red Meat
Cost: $9.95
Who It Benefits: Cartoonist Max Cannon, St. Martin's Griffin Press
Why You Should Buy It: The Onion A.V. Club's website (avclub.theonion.com) gets tons of e-mail, and a lot of it asks two questions: "Why don't you archive Savage Love?" "And why don't you archive Red Meat?" But why would we need to do that, when both popular features are the subject of essential new book collections? More Red Meat is the latest to feature cartoonist Max Cannon's creations, so get out there and pick it up! It makes a great gift!
Items The Onion Received For Free
Item: Harley-Davidson Road Songs Vol. 2 (with leather pouch)
Cost: $47.97 ($20.97 sans pouch)
Who It Benefits: Harley-Davidson Motorcycles, the artists represented, The Right Stuff Records
Why You Should Buy It: The handsome leather pouch, available for only $27, holds 12 compact discs, an ideal number for long roadtrips on your Harley. But you'll only need to acquire 10 more, because your pouch comes with two discs featuring 30 awesome hard-rock songs that beg for high speeds and the open road. All the greats are here: Foghat, Montrose, Uriah Heep, Rainbow, Blackfoot, Molly Hatchet, Styx... The only thing missing is the awesome classic rock of 1994's gold-selling Vol. 1, so you may just have to buy both! All four discs will fit in one pouch, with room for eight more!
Item: Easy Answers Home Based DNA Test Kit
Cost: Call 888/243-9576 for more information.
Who It Benefits: DNA Security, Inc.
Why You Should Buy It: If someone you know is plagued with the sort of nagging questions that can only be answered by a DNA expert, but doesn't want to visit one in person, the Easy Answers Home Based DNA Test Kit makes the perfect gift. With just a few rubs of a cotton swab (the Easy Answers process is 100% needle-free!), the cooperation of the parent or child in question, and the price of the kit (and postage), DNA relationships can be established in the privacy of your own home with a little help from the fine folks at DNA Security, Inc. Or, just for fun, you can try to establish a genetic link between you and a friend. The results may surprise you!
Item: Activision PlayStation games: Apocalypse, Asteroids, A Collection Of Activision Classic Games For The Atari 2600, The Fifth Element, Vigilante 8
Cost: Prices vary.
Who It Benefits: Activision, Sony PlayStation
Why You Should Buy It: There are many fine manufacturers of PlayStation games, but only Activision sends them to The Onion for free. Of course, few companies can boast Activision's history, either. A provider of quality home video games since back in the Atari 2600 days, Activision has collected 30 of its games for that system on the appropriately titled A Collection Of Activision Classic Games For The Atari 2600, a fine opportunity to relive a youth misspent playing Pitfall, Kaboom, River Raid, and Plaque Attack.
Only slightly less retro-minded is Activision's new version of Asteroids, which doesn't make the mistake of many unrecognizable video-game updates; it actually stays true to the original. With better graphics and a few new twists, this is still essentially the same enjoyable Asteroids first seen in 1979. Puzzled gamers will also be pleased to discover that the backstory of the new version does finally explain why blowing up all those asteroids is so important.
Vigilante 8 offers a different sort of thrill from the past. At heart, it's an armed-car game in the style of Twisted Metal. But where the Twisted Metal series employs imagery designed to appeal to troubled Insane Clown Posse fans, Vigilante 8 appropriates cars and graphics from the heart of the hot-rod '70s, allowing players to deal out destruction from behind the wheel of a '76 Gremlin. Awesome!
Less awesome is The Fifth Element, a clunky would-be Tomb Raider based on one of 1997's most incomprehensible films. This game version has even reduced the one thing the movie had going for it—its eye-popping imagery—to graphics that don't fully capitalize on the PlayStation's potential.
Among the images deleted from The Fifth Element is Bruce Willis' face, but there's no shortage of that in Apocalypse. Set in a dystopian future, Apocalypse stars Willis as a falsely imprisoned scientist who must prevent the evil Reverend from bringing about the end of the world. More in the mold of one of Willis' action films than Nobody's Fool or The Bonfire Of The Vanities, Apocalypse doesn't require its star to do much more than contribute occasional exclamations along the lines of, "Open up a can of whoop-ass!," "Kill 'em all! Let God sort 'em out!," and other popular T-shirt slogans. But where it fails as drama, it succeeds as a game. A fluid, addictive platform shooter that involves a good deal of jumping and death-dealing, Apocalypse may not be the most original or socially responsible game, but it is pretty damn fun, offering a better time than Striking Distance, Armageddon, and Mercury Rising combined.
Item: Assorted Activision PC games: Big Game Hunter II, Catz 3, Dogz 3, Duck Hunter Pro, Teen Digital Diva
Cost: Prices vary.
Who It Benefits: Activision, Microsoft
Why You Should Buy It: Remember in the '80s, when eggheads spoke of a time when computers would someday change the face of modern life by allowing people to play video games on a computer monitor? Well, friend, those days are here, and now you can play such fun-filled games as Deer Hunter Pro, Teen Digital Diva, Dogz 3, Catz 3, and Big Game Hunter II on your very own personal computer.
If you've ever wanted to own a cat or dog, but are afraid of interacting with living, breathing members of the animal kingdom, why not purchase Dogz 3 or Catz 3? Both offer exciting, authentic simulations of pet ownership without all that excrement or unsightly pet hair. And, unlike real pets, these computer critters won't die slow, hideous deaths if you neglect to feed them! And, if you buy both Dogz 3 and Catz 3, you can even have your computer dogs and cats interact with one another in cyberspace. Awesome!
On the opposite end of the spectrum are Big Game Hunter II and Duck Hunter Pro, games that give armchair sadists the opportunity to experience the excitement of killing God's creatures without having to experience the guilt or shame that goes along with the murder of innocent, wide-eyed deer or lovable, fuzzy little ducks. You can kill to your heart's content, and won't have to worry about getting messy blood and brain matter all over your expensive hunting jacket.
If you're not a bloodthirsty hunter, but rather a boy-crazy teenage prom queen, Teen Digital Diva should be more to your liking. With this girl-powered software, you can create a grotesquely regressive teen magazine that covers everything a girl could possibly be interested in: boys, clothes, horoscopes, make-up, and music! Or you could subvert the system and pack your magazine full of angry articles criticizing the racist, sexist, patriarchal ruling class that runs the secret, permanent government. Or you can combine the two by writing a fawning article about that dreamy death-row hunk, Mumia Abu-Jamal! With Teen Digital Diva, the exciting world of publishing is literally at your fingertips!
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