Monkey trouble
by Keith Phipps
September 9th, 1998
While the past few millennia have seen the domestication of dogs, cats, and even ferrets, primate pets have always been less popular than those lower on the evolutionary ladder. This has not changed, but the Internet has provided a medium through which monkey owners can share their choice with the world. Many sites are packed with information about the pros and cons of primate ownership, monkey organizations, and myriad photos of cute pet monkeys. Recently, The Onion contacted some of these owners via e-mail and asked them, "What made you decide to purchase a monkey?"
Karen, a wildlife rehabilitator, owns Mookie F. Monkee, a weeper capuchin with whom she provides animal-assisted therapy at area groups and nursing homes:
"When I discovered I might possibly be able to live with a primate, I began diligently researching all that would be required to have success. I finally came to the conclusion that I had a lifestyle and background [that would allow me] to care for a primate. I would like to add that I have been a wildlife rehabilitator for close to 20 years (state and federal permitted) and have run a therapeutic riding program for people with disabilities for several years."
Pokey The Clown, a clown, owns Ella, a guenon:
"Being a professional clown, I am constantly working on new material and show ideas. I wanted to add something unique to my shows, something that would make them even more memorable. I wanted a cool little partner to work with, but all the midgets I know are very uncool assholes, so I got a monkey instead. I think it was a good choice. She loves performing and being in the spotlight, and people flock to her wherever we go. (As opposed to a midget, who would just scowl and tell everyone to quit staring at him.)"
With his father, Brad cares for Trouble, an 8-year-old spotnose guenon inherited at the death of his stepmother in 1993:
"Trouble lives in our living room in a large cage and has at least one hour of free play every day with one of us. Dad and I take turns with Trouble while he is out. It's better not to confuse him with more than one person in the room. Monkeys like Trouble have to be supervised, and, even then, they can get in trouble. Monkeys are wild animals, and their natural defense is their teeth. I know what provokes an attack. Trouble has so far let me know when I might be crossing the line. He has certain looks and also displays his canines to warn me of his displeasure. One factor in bonding with Trouble was grooming him. For a long time, I didn't. We'd play, but he didn't like to be touched, let alone held. Now he loves for me to groom him."
Dan is the owner of Abu, a Java Macaque:
"I bought a monkey for two main reasons: 1) It was to be our last pet purchase, and 2) I wanted to teach my two teenage girls about the responsibilities of caring for an infant. Hopefully, they wouldn't get pregnant prematurely. This backfired. My older girl loved having something (someone) dependent on her—this was the first pet to truly adore her—and had a child when she was 17. My younger girl, 14, now says she will never have children."
Sony owns nine monkeys:
"I wanted a monkey since I was about 7 years old. Every time I saw an organ grinder at a carnival or fair, I wanted one even more! I used to live in California, where primate ownership now is next to impossible, so I moved to Las Vegas and finally got my primate! I never thought I made a mistake by buying her but, after three years of ownership, I realize that I did not know how complicated owning a primate can be. After educating myself and realizing that not all people are cut out to own primates, I now devote my time (and money) to rescuing ex-pet capuchin monkeys. My original monkey, Jasmine, is now a trained organ grinder, and we work fairs and other events together and use the money to support the other eight monkeys we now have living with us. Some of these monkeys have severe mental problems and are very aggressive. I no longer promote primates as pets to anyone. Primate ownership is a lifetime commitment, and I try to stress that to people who approach me about purchasing one."