Wednesday
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
When: 8 p.m., NBC (premières Sept. 21)
Concept: What would happen if Martha Stewart totally had her own version of The Apprentice? No it's not a bad Mad TV skit, it's the premise of a cynical new reality show in which ambitious strivers compete for an exciting, extremely desirable job working for a widely ridiculed ex-con walking punchline.
Will it be any good? It should be at least a minor guilty pleasure. Besides, if nothing else, the show should prove a godsend to hacky stand-up comedians, some of whom might even fashion routines comically juxtaposing Stewart's professional life with her recent stint in prison.
Likely most memorable episode: In a misguided attempt to woo the "urban" market, Stewart ill-advisedly decides to dismiss contestants with "Yo, dog, y'all just ain't kicking dope enough flava. Get to steppin, fool." Amid a firestorm of controversy, the would-be catchphrase is retired after a single episode.
Criminal Minds
When: 9 p.m., CBS (premières Sept. 22)
Concept: To catch criminals, Mandy Patinkin has to think like a criminal, as he and his FBI colleagues crack uncrackable cases. It's like the Vincent D'Onofrio Law & Order crossed with the Gary Sinise CSI crossed with every other show on television.
Will it be any good? That can be answered in two words, and one of them is "Patinkin." Although he's one of Broadway's brightest stars, and a reasonably valuable character actor in movies, the divine Mr. M. hasn't exactly set the small screen ablaze.
Likely most memorable episode: Baffled by why a serial killer keeps leaving old clothes at crime scenes, Patinkin puts on a thick beard, lifts up a discarded bowler, and performs "Finishing The Hat" from Sunday In The Park With George.
E-Ring
When: 9 p.m., NBC (premières Sept. 21)
Concept: The "E-Ring" is the outermost loop of the Pentagon, a place occupied by key intelligence officers, military minds, and government officials. NBC's E-Ring is a dramatization of what goes on in the outermost loop of the Pentagon, a place occupied by a pacing Benjamin Bratt, a bombastic Dennis Hopper, and anyone else for whom "the number one mission is survival of the state."
Will it be any good? Well, it'll be as good as anything else produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, which is to say it could run the gamut from blood-pounding melodrama (à la Without A Trace) to blood-curdling cheese (like the mercifully short-lived Skin) to nausea-inducing mindlessness (Kangaroo Jack). With lines like "Can't you feel the love in the air at the Pentagon this morning?" signs point to a heady combination of the three.
Likely most memorable episode: Any episode that features Dennis Hopper as a cigar-chomping, war-room-ready colonel is sure to be more than memorable.
Head Cases
When: 9 p.m., Fox (premières Sept. 14)
Concept: Two former mental patients (Chris O'Donnell and Adam Goldberg) decide to start a law firm. Luckily, they were both practicing attorneys before they went crazy.
Will it be any good? Although the eccentric-lawyer genre has been expertly mined by shows like Boston Legal, Head Cases promises a fresh take on the law as practiced by weirdoes. While Legal's James Spader and William Shatner often play strange for strange's sake, O'Donnell and Goldberg look to be playing real characters (with families, motivations, notable feelings, etc.) as opposed to "characters." In fact, the one thing that could sink the comedic drama is its timeslot: Head Cases is on Wednesday nights up against Lost.
Likely most memorable episode: O'Donnell takes in an orphaned acrobat as his young ward and decides to take the firm's crime-fighting mission to the streets.
Invasion
When: 10 p.m., ABC (tentatively premières Sept. 21)
Concept: Is there an alien invasion afoot? Florida sheriff William Fichtner has reason to wonder.
Will it be any good? It sounds kind of cool, but aren't alien conspiracies just so 1994? Shouldn't Fichtner be tracking down Internet-using serial killers or something? That aside, it may be moot; due to fears that the plot's reliance on a devastating hurricane might be considered insensitive in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, ABC has stopped promoting the show and may delay its première.
Likely most memorable episode: In the season finale, Fichtner tracks down the alien, but winds up with egg on his face when it turns out to be a harmless, furry, wisecracking visitor from the planet Melmac. Then, in a chilling epilogue that must be seen to believed, Alf proves that Fichtner was right all along.
Related
When: 9 p.m., WB (premières October 5)
Concept: Four sisters (Jennifer Esposito, Kiele Sanchez, Lizzy Caplan, and Laura Breckenridge) have wildly different lifestyles and personalities. Crazy!
Will it be any good? Friends writer-producer Marta Kaufman is the producer. That's a good sign, right? Right? Here's a sign that's not so good: The WB press release references the show's "great young cast to which our core female audience will instantly relate." Translation: Each character has been market-tested to appeal to a valued sub-demographic.
Likely most memorable episode: Caplan plays a celebrity-catering events coordinator. That can only mean one thing: The year won't pass without another gratuitous Paris Hilton cameo.
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