Every other week, The A.V. Club offers a look at a film that slipped through history's cracks, perhaps with good cause. Here are some of that feature's most memorable installments, plus some recently unearthed information on the films themselves.
Clonus (1979)
Director: Robert S. Fiveson
Also Known As: Parts: The Clonus Horror, The Clonus Horror
Tagline: "The only thing they don't use… is the scream."
Plot: At a sinister compound in California, a group of clean-cut, well-muscled, dim-witted clones prepare for their eventual trip to a paradise called "America" by jogging, doing push-ups, wrestling, and generally behaving like overgrown summer campers, while lab-coated science types in front of rows of blinking lights and primitive computers monitor their every move. The cloneketeers' elaborate ruse begins to falter, however, when a curious clone (Tim Donnelly) stumbles upon an empty beer can marked with the enigmatic word "Milwaukee." This sends Donnelly on a journey of discovery, and while scavenging for information, he fortuitously happens upon an orientation video with a brief history of the cloning operation, right down to its use of lobotomies to wipe out the plague of individuality. He also learns that he is to provide spare parts for a cantankerous old professor. Surely only evil scientist Dick Sargent (or possibly Dick York) could execute such a diabolical plan. Donnelly flees the compound, only to discover that America is not the gleaming utopia he was promised, but rather a scuzzy, low-rent 'hood full of porn shops. Donnelly seeks his "other part" and blows the whistle on the secret lab, but ends up chilling in the deep freeze back at the clone farm anyway.
Key scenes: Before leaving for "America," one clone's mate robotically intones sweet nothings like "I've grown accustomed to you. I like having you touch me." At a Sargent-led class, the clones watch a slide show informing them what to expect in paradise; it ends with the cryptic phrase "America: The happiness of your New World forever!" The same slide show also suggests that "America" is occupied solely by psychotically happy folks clad in white.
Can easily be distinguished by: It's that movie where clones behave like mildly retarded fitness buffs.
Sign that it was made in 1979: The Farrah Fawcett hair of female lead Paulette Breen and the prominence of goons in dope tracksuits.
Timeless message: Always maintain a healthy level of skepticism, as a promised glorious future might in fact be a clone-farm holding container.
Memorable quotes: At his going-away party, a guileless clone wishes that all the revelers will soon "be joining me in America, for that is where good friends live and are always happy." —Nathan Rabin
UPDATE: Time may have forgotten Clonus, but Michael Bay and company did not. At least that's the contention of an ongoing lawsuit filed against the makers of the 2005 film The Island, who allegedly lifted key plot elements from Clonus. Hey, at least someone wants credit for The Island.
(Available on DVD from Mondo Macabro.)
Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare (1987)
Director: John Fasano
Tagline: "Sex, Death And Rock 'N' Roll!"
Plot: A child living in a Canadian farmhouse watches his parents get killed by what seem to be possessed kitchen appliances. Years later, a remarkably well-behaved heavy-metal band called The Tritonz, led by long-haired muscleman Jon Mikl Thor (who also scripted and produced the film), retreats to the same farmhouse to finish its latest album. But The Tritonz's creative efforts are interrupted by a monster that looks like a cross between E.T. and an erection. Possessing one of the band members' girlfriends through the classic "drooling in her cup when she's not looking" technique, evil forces begin to take down one rocker after another.
Key scenes: Apart from the absence of drugs stronger than Canadian beer, the film offers a believable portrayal of the recording process, with the musicians dividing their time among composing, performing, and having sex. Sadly, this means they never leave the house to confirm one member's claim that "Toronto's where it's happening, man: the music, the film industry, the arts!" In fact, the band is slow to respond to everything, including its manager's disappearance. (One Tritonz member notes, "I'm sure Phil's not dead or anything, or he would have called.") After the demonic midget interrupts the music-video-like recording sessions and badly simulated sex, Thor reveals that it's all been an elaborate ruse: He's actually an archangel trying to lure the devil into a fight.
Can easily be distinguished by: It's the movie where all the monsters look like they were left over from other projects.
Sign that it was made in 1987: A traditionalist to the core, Thor spends a quiet moment enjoying a can boldly emblazoned with the "Coca Cola Classic" label.
Timeless message: If you are the devil, be careful which heavy-metal bands you pick on, because some members might be archangels in disguise.
Memorable quotes: Announcing his post-coital plans, The Tritonz's inexplicably Australian bassist states, "I'm jes' gonna go shake the monkey… and drain the dragon." —Keith Phipps
UPDATE: As crazy as it sounds, 2005 will see the DVD release of Intercessor: Another Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare, again starring Canadian strongman/metal god Jon Miki Thor. Full details can be found at intercessormovie.com.
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