December 7th, 2005
Who doesn't look forward to the annual financially crippling social obligation of holiday gift-giving? Holiday-hating misers, that's who. It's December, so that means it's time to spend, spend, spend in order to prove to friends and family that you love them, or at least would like to buy their favor for another year. But what to buy? The A.V. Club has a few suggestions, which we've broken down into categories that just might match someone on your shopping list. (Note: All prices are approximate suggested retail; shop around and/or get lucky, and you'll likely find many of these items cheaper. Except for Vincent Gallo's sperm.)
For Kids Who Don't Make Enough Noise And Enjoy Twisting And Flicking Things
iZ ($40)
A three-legged, horn-snouted, apparently extraterrestrial creature, iZ plays music that users (owners?) can manipulate by touching parts of his (its?) body while iZ laughs approvingly. No, it's not part of an insidious Invasion-style takeover plot, it's the season's hot electronic toy, one that combines elements of a Casio keyboard and a dancing Coke can. Bored of one sound? Twist iZ's ears and hear another. Pump up the beat with the other ear, then manipulate his "flicker" for an exclamation of pleasure. Yes, this is as disturbing as it sounds. Plug iZ into an iPod and he works as a speaker, interrupting the music with the occasional belch. (Note: The A.V. Club has found this does not improve most songs.) Not to be confused with Izzy, the equally mysterious mascot of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, iZ seems likely to fascinate children and drive most everyone else slowly nuts. Maybe it's part of an alien plot after all.
Find it at: amazon.com, etoys.com
For People Who Love Watching Video On A Tiny Screen
iPod ($300 30-gig model, $400 60-gig model)
Each year, the iPod gets a little cooler and its capabilities get more ridiculous. The newest iPods are full media players, with the capacity to display surprisingly crisp music videos, movies, and TV shows on a 2.5-inch screen. The iPods come in 30- and 60-gigabyte versions, with a capacity of 7,500 songs/75 hours of video (30 gig) or 15,000 songs/150 hours of video (60 gig). Apple just introduced the technology, so only five shows are available for download (Lost, Desperate Housewives, Night Stalker, The Suite Life, and That's So Raven), but there's a big selection of music videos, and shows and videos alike cost about $2 each. Apple has also beefed up the iPod's extras to include a stopwatch, four games, and an address book and calendar, so it's only a matter of time until iPods do everything.
Find it at: store.apple.com and most big-box retailers: Best Buy, Target, Circuit City, Costco, etc.
For Your Buddies Who Are Also Needy Third-World Farmers
A water buffalo, or a segment thereof ($250, or $25 per share)
A charity dedicated to relieving Third World hunger and poverty, Heifer International follows the philosophy that poor families don't need free milk, they need their own cows, for sustainable, long-term self-reliance. Through Heifer's website, donors can "purchase" llamas, ducks, geese, rabbits, pigs, bees, and more for needy families worldwide. And if a cow or a water buffalo is too expensive, pitch in and purchase a share in one instead. It's worth it just to be able to say "I bought you half a goat and a third of a sheep for Christmas."
Find it at: heifer.org (look for "online gift catalog" under the "give" menu option)
For Simpsons Fans Who Want To Emulate Those Python-quoting Nerds Homer Met In College
The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus 16-Ton Megaset ($200)
Anyone with even a moderate geek pedigree knows Monty Python at least well enough to sing the Spam song and quote the Dead Parrot sketch, but how many people remember the Royal Society For Putting Things On Top of Other Things, Ann Elk's brontosaurus theory, or the Fish License sketch? Thanks to the long-awaited complete-series Monty Python DVD set, completists can refresh their memories of their favorite skits and rediscover the more obscure installments while distracting themselves from the current hideously depressing careers of the surviving Pythons.
Find it at: virtually any store with a significant DVD section
For Moneyed Lovers Of Lambskin, Rhinestones, Racing Jackets, And The Movie Scarface Who Want A Product To Combine All Their Passions
Custom-made Scarface leather jackets ($3,000)
Sure, you love the movie Scarface. Who doesn't? But are you willing to pay tribute to it in full Scarface style? If so, JH Design has the product for you: a custom-made, rhinestone-studded, lambskin Scarface jacket. Available in several different designs, the jackets range from garish to merely absurd. All feature iconic images of Al Pacino's Tony Montana scowling and taking care of business in high Scarface style. Sure, you can also find down-market twill versions, but what kind of Scarface fan wears twill? Why not just go all the way and buy a My Little Pony jacket?
Find it at: abasleatherjackets.com, racingjackets.com
For People Who Feel A Pang Of Loss Every Time They Pick Up The Sunday Funnies
The Complete Calvin And Hobbes ($150)
Few comic strips deserve the kind of lavish-edition treatment more commonly bestowed on dictionaries and the Bible, but Bill Watterson's Calvin And Hobbes is just as useful and inspired as any reference book or scripture, and it's utterly worthy of this massive slipcased three-volume set. Emerging fully formed in 1985, Calvin And Hobbes ran for 10 years (hiatuses included) and captivated millions with the sometimes-whimsical, sometimes-satirical adventures of a sardonic little boy and his gentle-natured stuffed tiger. Like Charles Schulz's Peanuts, Watterson's strip is often remembered as sweeter and more gag-oriented than it actually was, but he actually tried to capture the truth of childhood through triangulation, by considering Calvin as a simultaneous fount of boyhood imagination, example of his generation's insufferable egotism, and exhausted observer of soul-killing conformity. All that, and Calvin And Hobbes was also the best-drawn, most consistently funny part of the comics page for a whole miraculous decade.
Find it at: amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, local booksellersFor The Twentysomething Who's Good With Doohickeys (Or Your Kid Brother)
Nintendo DS ($130) And Games ($20-$40 each)
Nintendo's random concoction of handheld-gaming ideas, the DS, was overshadowed a bit by Sony's more streamlined PSP, but there's lots of life left in the year-old gal. New games have poured forth in 2005, including the excellent side-scrolling fighters Viewtiful Joe: Double Trouble! and Ultimate Spider-Man, and Nintendo just stepped up the wireless fun with a new online service that allows players to compete not just when they're in the same room (the system has a built-in wireless receiver) but also via the Internet with any wireless connection. The ultimate test: Mario Kart DS, a kick-ass little racing game you can play alone or against the rest of the world. Add to that the DS' weird other features (two screens, one of them touch-sensitive; a microphone; a bulky package) and you've got the clunky little brother that's more fun to hang with than the sleek PSP.
Find it at: pretty much any electronics or gaming store
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