December 7th, 2005
For That Friend Who Always Says, "You've Gotta Try This—It's Gross!"
Jones Soda Holiday Packs ($25)
A slightly more exciting alternative to coal and switches, Jones Soda's Holiday Packs taste pretty much as disgusting as they sound—some even more so—but it might be difficult for friends or enemies to resist at least taking a sip. This year's "national" pack includes a favorite from last year—Turkey And Gravy—along with the completely unsweet Cranberry, Pumpkin Pie, Wild Herb Stuffing, and the absolute bottom of the barrel—Brussels Sprout soda, which leaves a buttery aftertaste even though it has zero calories and is vegetarian. The "regional pack"—find a local retailer at jonessoda.com—includes Corn On The Cob, the abominable Smoked Salmon Pâté, and even Broccoli Casserole, the one flavor actually less heave-inducing than it sounds. Buy it for a friend with a sense of humor, or sneak it into a foe's coffee mug.
Find it at: Target, or via jonessoda.com
For The Person Who's Always Wanted To Read Uncollected J.D. Salinger Short Stories
The Complete New Yorker: Eighty Years Of The Nation's Greatest Magazine ($100)
Yes, The Complete New Yorker. Meaning every issue from 1925 to a couple of months ago, all scanned in page-by-page—original layout and advertising inclusive—and digitized on eight searchable DVD-ROMs. Early users have reported some bugginess related to the special PDF-style reader that the discs require, but the historical value of this project is worth a few crashes and files not found. Though a lot of the most famous material herein has been reprinted elsewhere, there's nothing like seeing the actual pages that contained the first printing of John Hersey's Hiroshima, or reading what else was in the issue where Pauline Kael reviewed an advance screening of Robert Altman's Nashville. Some of the best writers of the last century (and this one) have swung through the New Yorker orbit at one time or another, and having access to their words in their original published form is like perusing a multi-tiered timeline of modern American literature.
Find it at: amazon.comFor Those Who Enjoy The Word Of God Only When It Can Double As A Weapon
The Metal Bible: NLT ($30)
The Bible is full of murders, plagues, and stories about the end of the world, so it could stand to be a little more "extreme" in its packaging. After centuries of tired old leather binding, the publishers at New Living Translation decided to give the Word Of God "the hippest exterior ever!" The Metal Bible is sheathed in a silver, orange, black, red, or green metal case, making it perfect for both concealing and highlighting the fact that you're reading the Bible. Marketed toward "style-conscious teens," some versions of The Metal Bible feature an imprint of a soda-can pop-top on the cover (instead of the more traditional crucifix), because, well, teens like soda, right?
Find it at: Newlivingtranslation.com, Bible Factory Outlet
For The Humor Aesthete Who Thinks Comedy Has Sucked Since 1947
The Harold Lloyd Comedy Collection ($90)
Nerdy and handsome, geeky and serene, the face of Harold Lloyd looks eerily modern next to those of contemporaries like Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton. Lloyd was part of their scene—he was actually a bigger star than both for a time—but his status as one of silent film's foremost innovators hasn't aged as well. It's hard to figure out why: His stunts (including a famous one on a clock tower in Safety Last!) are stunning, his sight gags are disarmingly smart, and his range as a character actor makes him much more than a comedian. The seven-DVD Harold Lloyd Collection aims to right the historical record with new transfers of 15 features, 10 shorts, and a bounty of extras, including home movies. It's a tribute to a long-gone era, but Lloyd has a strange way of squirming to life whenever the power switches on.
Find it at: virtually any store with a significant DVD section
For The Retro-Gaming Enthusiast Whose Experience Isn't Complete Without A Strip Of Wood Veneer
Atari Flashback 2 ($30)
The gameplay is repetitive and clunky and the graphics might as well be carved from stone blocks—so why is that old Atari 2600 joystick so hard to put down? The Atari Flashback 2 shrinks the original early-'80s system a bit, but retains the shape (and the wood grain) and controllers (the set comes with two), and includes 40 built-in games—mostly originals you'll remember, but a few "lost" and a couple just written. Some are fun because they're just so awful-looking and unfun: In Human Cannonball, you adjust the angle of a cannon based on wind speed before firing—and that's it. In Hangman, you play Hangman. But then there are the old classics—Pitfall, River Raid, super-blocky Centipede, even Pong… They don't have cutscenes, dozens of weapons, or plots, but they can still be massively engaging. And at 75 cents per game, they're a bargain.
Find it at: atari.com, amazon.com, Urban Outfitters
For Drunken Parents Who Need To Know Which Miter To Wear To Their Office Christmas Party
Baby Be Of Use books ($9 each)
How To Dress For Every Occasion, By The Pope ($12)
Every holiday season sees a sudden upswing in the number of stocking-stuffer and novelty-type impulse-buy books sitting next to bookstore registers, but few of this year's crop are likely to be as cute or acerbic as McSweeney's Baby Be Of Use series, a pair of ultra-simple pictorial board books giving infants their marching orders: Baby Mix Me A Drink is a visual guide to a few basic cocktails, while Baby Make Me Breakfast depicts a post-bender meal in which aspirin is one of the courses. 
The art is adorable, though seven pages isn't quite enough space to develop any complicated subplots. Lemony Snicket alter ego Daniel Handler stretches out a bit more with How To Dress For Every Occasion, By The Pope, a loveably energetic book that reads like a sartorial guide from Lynda Barry's Ernie Pook's Comeek character Marlys. Are sandals acceptable popewear? What about a "Go Knicks!" tunic? The Pope tells all.
Find them at: store.mcsweeneys.net, local bookstores
For Little Girls Who Aspire To Be Mommies, Just Like Angelina Jolie
Newborn Nursery Dolls ($100)
Venturing where Cabbage Patch Kids never dared to go, the Newborn Nursery is a line of super-realistic dolls that look like newborn babies (down to the creases on their wrinkled feet), weigh as much as newborn babies (about four pounds), and feel like newborn babies (well, newborn babies coated in soft vinyl). Their eerie little heads are even specially weighted, requiring support at all times. But the realism doesn't end there. At stores across the country, the Newborns are displayed behind glass partitions in mock hospital-nursery environments, complete with cribs, swaddling blankets, and salespeople dressed as doctors and nurses. Of course, the Newborns aren't really up for sale. They're up for adoption, and in order to take home a little bundle of creepiness, prospective parents have to prove they'd make good mommies by filling out lengthy questionnaires full of probing queries like "Will you change your baby's diaper?" and, naturally, "Will you love your baby?" After a nurse/clerk checks the parent/buyer's answers, and the parent/buyer forks over $100, the Newborn is as good as adopted/bought.
Find it at: newbornnursery.com, faoschwarz.com
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