Stop That Vehicle! 20 Misbegotten Movies Custom-Made For The Utterly Unworthy
By Keith Phipps, Nathan Rabin, and Kyle Ryan
1. Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006):
Who wants to see a movie whose own damn title can't decide whether its protagonist installs cable or ensures that businesses comply with health codes? For that matter, how many people are willing to live with the shame of uttering any variation of the words "Two tickets for Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector, please"? And how can you explain the complete dearth of cable-installation-based humor in a comedy with a comedian's name and cable in its title? Those are just three of the many reasons that Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector somehow failed to make the phrase "Cable Guy" synonymous with blockbuster comedy.
2. Grandma's Boy (2006): Allen Covert
Being Adam Sandler's pal must be swell. Just think of all the probable perks: round-the-clock access to Sandler's arsenal of strangely similar silly voices, meeting Rob Schneider (try not to be too intimidated!), and, for the artistically inclined, supporting roles, production credits, or co-screenwriting gigs on his ramshackle vehicles. Hell, if you're lucky, Sandler might even try to turn you into a movie star! And if you're incredibly lucky, he'll inexplicably sort of succeed, as in Schneider's case. He was less successful in launching the career of his old pal Allen "Who?" Covert, whose low-wattage lead turn in Grandma's Boy as an unambitious video-game tester unwilling to leave the nest ensures that he'll forever be known as "that guy from those Adam Sandler movies who inexplicably got his own shitty movie."
3. Turn It Up (2000): Pras, Ja Rule
What's the only thing less promising than a vehicle for gravel-voiced, leprechaun-sized 2Pac impersonator Ja Rule? How 'bout a dual vehicle for Ja Rule and marble-mouthed, wildly uncharismatic Fugees also-ran Pras? Mothballed gangster-movie clichés meet newfangled gratuitous violence and profanity in this muddled family melodrama about brothers torn between music and the lure of the streets.
4. Chairman Of The Board (1998): Carrot Top
No, Carrot Top doesn't play Frank Sinatra, but that might have made for a more entertaining movie than this lifeless comedy in which The Top plays a surfer/inventor who takes over a Fortune 500 company after inheriting it from Jack Warden under Melvin And Howard-like circumstances. He also pisses off an evil Larry Miller, inexplicably charms Courtney Thorne-Smith, and, sadly, appears near-nude.
5. Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002): Dave Sheridan
Scary Movie's fluke-blockbuster status boosted the careers of its cast, especially Anna Faris and several dozen Wayanses. Alas, not even subsequent appearances in Bubble Boy and Corky Romano could transform Scary Movie would-be breakout star Dave Sheridan (c'mon, you remember, he was the retarded guy or something) into a man people would plunk down $9 to see. So his starring turn as a pratfall-prone insurance-claims investigator in the unforgettably titled, unmistakably Jim Carrey-inspired Frank McKlusky, C.I. skipped the multiplexes altogether en route to undiscriminating video stores everywhere.
6. Stone Cold (1991): Brian Bosworth
Brian Bosworth briefly captivated the sports world with his flamboyant personality, ill-advised haircuts, blockbuster contract, fondness for steroids, and contempt for the NCAA (which he saucily dubbed "National Communists Against Athletes"). Then injuries forced him to retire from the NFL after only three years. But he could still fall back on his career as an A-list action hero in motion pictures, right? Not exactly. Following in the footsteps of Chrome Rider star Joe Namath, Bosworth was a washout as a leading man in Stone Cold, a 1992 undercover-cop biker movie that somehow failed to propel Bosworth to superstardom in spite of dialogue like "The devil was a rebel angel. If you want to fuck with the living, you'll have to learn to fuck with the dead!"
7. Kazaam (1996): Shaquille O'Neal
In his own mind, at least, Shaquille O'Neal constitutes a triple threat: athlete, rapper, and actor. But most folks will only concede the athlete part, even after Shaq-Fu played a wisecracking genie inside a magical boom-box in Kazaam. Maybe America just wasn't ready for another smiling black man in genie pants following MC Hammer's very public fall from grace earlier in the decade.
8. Glitter (2001): Mariah Carey
It's almost impressive how many pop stars manage to be utterly unconvincing playing thinly fictionalized version of themselves. Alas, someone seems to have neglected to tell Glitter's Mariah Carey that making movies is different than making videos, in that it requires more than just smiling, posing, lip-syncing, and showing cleavage, four traits she's mastered. Actor-turned-director Vondie Curtis-Hall got a stunning performance from 2Pac in Gridlock'd, but failed miserably in his bid to make Mariah Carey a movie star in the semi-autobiographical dud Glitter. Maybe Carey just didn't fully understand the motivation and backstory of her Mariah Carey-like character.
9. Crossroads (2002): Britney Spears
Grey's Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes would probably like to remove this 2002 Britney Spears vehicle from her résumé. And though it's tempting to blame Spears' unintentionally hilarious performance for the film's dismal failure, its inability to decide whether it's a realistic message movie about serious social issues, or fluffy girl-powered escapism proved even more problematic.
10. On The Line (2001): Lance Bass, Joey Fatone
Remember those heady days when Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, and to a much lesser extent, 98 Degrees battled it out for the hearts of the world's teenyboppers? Then you might also remember 2001's On The Line, a Lance Bass/Joey Fatone vehicle about a shy professional who meets his dream girl on a Chicago el train, but neglects to ask her phone number. Fatone is the wacky roommate who helps Bass conduct a citywide search for said hottie. Dude, a city with a world-class public-transportation system like Chicago (Red Line holla!) so deserves a better lightweight pop-star vehicle than this.
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