Tagline: "An awesome hero. An invincible villain. Time travel to a distant world. It's gonna be a wild weekend."
Plot: Like a muscle-bound Dr. Dolittle, Marc Singer mastered the holy living fuck out of beasts in 1982's The Beastmaster. What's left for the fashionably loincloth-clad hero to do? Why, trip merrily through the portal of time, of course! But before rebel leader Singer can journey through said portal, he must escape death and encounter a narratively convenient creature who says Singer must kill his older brother to bring harmony to the world. Actually, a lot happens before Singer travels through the portal around the movie's 50-minute mark: contemporary wild child Kari Wuhrer obliviously passes through it first, and supervillain Wings Hauser and his witch accomplice use it to hatch a sinister plan to purloin a neutron bomb. A groan-worthy comic culture-clash ensues when the sword-and-sandals contingent finally enters a freewheeling realm of convertibles, cell phones, and rock 'n' roll.
Key scenes: Singer's execution goes awry as one of his animal companions engages in hot tiger-on-executioner violence. Later, when Singer's tiger wakes Wuhrer, she illustrates her rapier wit by quipping, "I don't know about you, but I'd rather eat breakfast than be breakfast!" In the same scene, she mistakes Singer's beloved ferrets for rats and freaks out when she discovers there are no 7-Elevens in Singer's world. During the many scenes where he explains his strong spiritual connection to animals, Singer seems disconcertingly like Grizzly Man's Timothy Treadwell.
Can easily be distinguished by: It's the movie where the villain yells, "Seize him!" to his henchman. Also, ferrets are way too prominently featured.
Sign that it was made in 1991: Other than the marquee advertising Ghost Dad? A powerful, bosomy witch confounds Hauser by using slang like "Chill out," "Take a meeting," and "Dude."
Timeless message: Never hire Kari Wuhrer as comic relief. Seriously. Just don't. Also, be nice to animals.
Memorable quotes: When a witch opens the fantastical interdimensional portal, Wuhrer guilelessly gushes, "Way rad!"
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