April 26th, 2006
Quote: "To start, press any key. Where's the ANY key?"
Episode: "King-Size Homer" (11/5/95)
Context: After gaining weight to get on financial disability, Homer finally achieves his dream of working at home, but he's immediately stymied by a computer prompt.
Real-life uses: Whenever you're betrayed by technology, especially over something so simple that even a 4-year-old child could figure it out. This could lead right into another classic quote, courtesy of Groucho Marx in Duck Soup: "Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can't make head or tail of it."
Quote: "Your dog's condition has been upgraded from stable to frisky."
Episode: "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part One" (5/21/95)
Context: After a torrential gush from Mr. Burns' slanted oil well smashes Bart's treehouse and hospitalizes his dog, the Simpsons have to take the pup to the local veterinarian. Though it temporarily has a cone around its head, the vet promises a full recovery.
Real-life uses: Good for when you or a loved one are recovering from any minor injury or illness, and are ready for further punishment.
Quote: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work."
Episode: "Bart's Comet" (2/5/95)
Context: Newscaster Kent Brockman expresses his disgust after Congress rejects a bill to save Springfield from a comet impact after one senator attaches a $30 million rider "to support the perverted arts."
Real-life uses: Useable on a bipartisan basis by anyone disappointed or irritated by the behavior of our elected officials. You'll never, ever run out of reasons to use this quote.
Quote: "Have the Rolling Stones killed."
Episode: "Rosebud" (10/21/93)
Context: Already forlorn over his missing teddy bear Bobo, Mr. Burns suffers further insult at a birthday bash, where the Ramones end their raucous rendition of "Happy Birthday To You" with the send-off "Go to hell, you old bastard." Burns orders Smithers to avenge this insult, but gets the band's name wrong.
Real-life uses: Useful after witnessing a substandard performance by any performer other than The Rolling Stones.
Quote: "Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!"
Episode: "Treehouse Of Horror VII" (10/27/96)
Context: Alien Kang, masquerading as presidential candidate Bob Dole, settles on this crowd-pleasing policy statement after bombing with his previous attempts: "Abortions for all!" and "No abortions for anyone!"
Real-life uses: Sunday-morning political chat shows, campaign season, C-SPAN congressional coverage, Rose Garden press conferences—whenever you see a politician pandering, appealing to patriotism, or proposing a plan that pleases everyone and fixes nothing.
Quote: "Aaaannnd heeerrre come the pretzels…"
Episode: "The Twisted World Of Marge Simpson" (1/19/97)
Context: After her soft-pretzel operation has trouble getting off the ground, Marge decides to kick-start the business by handing out free samples at a baseball game. Unfortunately, this coincides with Mr. Burns winning a rigged ticket lottery for a Pontiac Astrowagon, which draws the crowd's wrath.
Real-life uses: Inflection counts on this one, so the quote only works if you can manage at least a passable Vin Scully impersonation. Try it whenever a public figure gets rebuked on a mass scale, like when Barry Bonds steps up for an at-bat away from Pac Bell Park, or when Hester Prynne shows up with that "A" stitched to her blouse.
Quote: "You shot who in the what now?"
Episode: "Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part Two" (9/17/95)
Context: Spoken by Jasper (Grandpa Simpson's bearded buddy) to indicate he hadn't noticed Smithers putting a bullet in Jasper's wooden leg.
Real-life uses: As a slick replacement for such stuffy phrases as "Excuse me, I did not hear what you just said," or "Could you repeat that? I am confused."
Quote: "Lousy Smarch weather…"
Episode: "Treehouse Of Horror VI" (10/30/95)
Context: Spoken by a chilly Homer, looking at misprinted 13-month calendars purchased by Springfield Elementary.
Real-life uses: A fun way to bitch about the weather—particularly during an unseasonably chilly Midwestern "spring," when every day feels like Smarch.
Quote: "Worst. Episode. Ever."
Episode: "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" (2/9/97)
Context: The Comic Book Guy emphatically dismisses the latest episode of Itchy & Scratchy, in a pointed parody of the way Simpsons viewers typically reacted to each and every new episode in Internet forums at the time.
Real-life uses: Replace "episode" with any noun or phrase. (Let's just say it for you and save you some time… "Worst A.V. Club featurette ever!") Then pile on the Comic Book Guy's smug superiority, and you've got an instant dismissal of anything and everything, or an ironic mockery of such dismissal. Possibly both at once. And it even works when reversed! Best! Quote! Ever!
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