Given the skyrocketing costs of movie tickets, the convenience of DVD, the ever-increasing sophistication of video games, the current television renaissance, and the preponderance of other, equally tempting entertainment choices, there's never been a worse time to head down to the multiplex. Besides, do you really want to financially reward a film industry that subjects audiences to a deadening, year-round assault of unnecessary sequels, listless remakes, and pandering TV adaptations?
And yet every summer arrives with at least a few movies that threaten to give popcorn escapism a good name, movies like last year's Batman Begins and War Of The Worlds. With that in mind, The A.V Club humbly presents a list of reasons why you're probably better off skipping the multiplexes altogether this summer. Of course, we could be wrong.
May 12
Poseidon
What it's about: In this remake of the much-loved 1972 disaster film The Poseidon Adventure, a luxury ocean-liner meets a freak storm and capsizes. An all-star cast has to climb to the ship's top (formerly its bottom) in hopes of rescue.
Why it's probably a waste of time: The all-star cast of 2006: Kurt Russell (yay!), Andre Braugher (cool!), Josh Lucas (?), Emmy Rossum (?), and Richard Dreyfuss (ugh). The all-star cast of 1972: Ernest Borgnine, Shelley Winters, Stella Stevens, Roddy McDowall, Red Buttons, and Leslie Nielsen. Case closed. Also, Wolfgang Petersen hasn't directed a memorable movie since In The Line Of Fire.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: But he did direct Das Boot. That's something.
Suggested alternate activity: Thinking up alternate titles. The A.V. Club likes The Crazy Upside-Down Boat With All The Screamy People.
May 19
The Da Vinci Code
What it's about: In the film adaptation of Dan Brown's mega-bestselling thriller, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou follow a series of cryptic art-world clues to a long-kept religious secret.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Wasn't reading Brown's stilted, tortured prose bad enough, without having to hear Hanks declaim it too?
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Given the film's massive budget, it's likely to look really, really good onscreen. Also, if everyone in the country goes to see it, maybe they'll finally burn out on Da Vinci Code fever and America can get a new national obsession.
Suggested alternate activity: Reading a good book, wishing someone would make a movie out of that instead.
Over The Hedge
What it's about: A group of woodland animals invade a suburban enclave for food, setting off a clash with the residents.
Why it's probably a waste of time: It's yet another star-studded CGI comedy about a bunch of animals being wacky. Who has time?
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: It's billed as "from the creators of Shrek and Madagascar," though it'd be far more accurate to say "from the same studio as Shrek and Madagascar, even though it doesn't have any actual writers, directors, or even producers in common with those movies."
Suggested alternate activity: Throwing your own summer-cookout bash; dealing philosophically with any celebrity-voiced anthropomorphic CGI animals that show up.
May 26
X-Men: The Last Stand
What it's about: Those nutty X-Men are at it again, this time dealing with the ramifications of a supposed cure for mutants.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Four words: "Directed by Brett Ratner." No wait, six more words: "With Kelsey Grammer as The Beast."
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Ratner's most infuriating trait, his inability to create a distinct directorial style, might serve him well here. The trailer makes this look like one of Bryan Singer's X-Men films. If Ratner apes those well enough, it might be okay.
Suggested alternate activity: Reading the start of the great Chris Claremont/John Byrne/Dave Cockrum X-Men run in Marvel's massive The Uncanny X-Men Omnibus. That just costs money, not wasted time.
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