July 5
Little Man
What it's about: Shawn Wayans plays a paternal cop who mistakes little-person criminal Marlon Wayans for his adopted son. How can hilarity fail to ensue?
Why it's probably a waste of time: With Little Man, the Wayans have actually managed to come up with a movie premise even more idiotic and surreally far-fetched than White Chicks. The lowest common denominator just got a lot lower.
Why it might be worth watching: The train-wreck potential is off the meter. Also, Marlon Wayans plays a little person, thereby stealing another plum role away from Peter Dinklage. Damn your incredible versatility, Marlon!
Suggested alternate activity: Check out Marlon's surprisingly powerful dramatic turn in Requiem For A Dream, a movie that offers just as many laughs as Little Man promises, but is probably less disturbing.
July 7
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
What it's about: Just like in the original Pirates Of The Caribbean, Johnny Depp is threatened by supernatural horror, and Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley again have to help him escape, not to mention get his buckler properly swashed.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Everything about this film says "Unnecessary cash-in sequel." Also, Keith Richards pulled out of his cameo role as Depp's father.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Oh, why not? The first one was fun. Foolishly hoping for the best can be kind of fun too.
Suggested alternate activity: Dressing up as Depp's character, saying "Arrrr" a lot, quoting the first film extensively, taking a long, deep look in the mirror and admitting you live a sad and lonely life.
July 14
Pulse
What it's about: In the long-awaited Americanization of Kiyoshi Kurosawa's J-horror staple, a group of techno-savvy kids are haunted by ghosts in the machine.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Miramax bought the rights to Kurosawa's original, refused to release it, then never got the remake off the ground. Five years later, J-horror has become to '00 horror what slasher movies were to the '80s.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: The film looks like a Gus Van Sant-level experiment in shot-for-shot mimicry, which could make for one of the strangest, creepiest films ever released by a Hollywood studio.
Suggested alternate activity: Watching the Kurosawa version instead, now that it's finally available on DVD; scaring your cats by imitating a Japanese ghost.
You, Me, And Dupree
What it's about: Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson play newlyweds whose wedded bliss is interrupted when best man Owen Wilson installs himself as a permanent houseguest.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Isn't the whole Owen Wilson thing wearing a bit thin?
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Directors Anthony and Joe Russo worked on Arrested Development. Mmm, Arrested Development.
Suggested alternate activity: Isn't the third season of Arrested Development coming out on DVD soon?
July 21
Lady In The Water
What it's about: After rescuing a mysterious young woman (Bryce Dallas Howard) from a pool, an apartment-building superintendent (Paul Giamatti) discovers she's a character from a bedtime story trying to make her way back home.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Tired of the twists and gimmicks of director M. Night Shyamalan, critics and audiences finally revolted with The Village, and there's no reason to expect the backlash to subside here.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Gimmicks aside, Shyamalan knows how to come up with big hooks and has the most sophisticated visual style of any blockbuster director outside Steven Spielberg. Now if only he can keep Shyamalan the screenwriter from cheating on the ending again.
Suggested alternate activity: Annoy your friends by catching up on old Twilight Zone episodes and spoiling the ending for them before the movie comes out.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend
What it's about: Luke Wilson breaks up with superheroine Uma Thurman, who proceeds to stalk him in a super-powered way.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Unworthy schlub doesn't appreciate the amazing woman he's with? Isn't this the plot of every beer commercial of the last 10 years? (Also wouldn't it be funnier if Thurman dumped Wilson, and the movie was about the impossible task of him getting back in touch with her?)
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Wilson's a funny guy, Thurman can be funny, and Lord knows—or at least director Ivan Reitman should know—that superheroes are hilarious.
Suggested alternate activity: Retaking your college women's-studies course and writing a new section for your paper on gender stereotyping and representational imbalance in the mainstream media.
Monster House
What it's about: Spielberg-esque suburbanite pre-teens tussle with their neighborhood haunted house, which has taken "anthropomorphic" to a terrifying extreme.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Remember the way the computer-animation-over-live-action effects in The Polar Express looked stiff and kind of disturbing? Now amp up the grotesquerie, throw in a lot of noise and mayhem, and voila!
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: The original screenwriters—Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab—were responsible for the amusing TV pilot Heat Vision & Jack. On the other hand, they also wrote the Channel 101 series LaserFart.
Suggested alternate activity: Sitting at your desk and writing 500 times: "Animation doesn't have to look 'realistic' to be good."
July 28
Miami Vice
What it's about: Remember the '80s cop series where Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas solved crimes in dramatic slow-motion to the accompaniment of Phil Collins and Glenn Frey songs? Picture that, but with Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, and presumably a soundtrack featuring today's Collins and Frey equivalents.
Why it's probably a waste of time: The shoot was dogged by rumors of excessive partying and constant reshoots.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Director Michael Mann and tortured cops and criminals are a natural combination. (See also Heat, Collateral, Thief, and Manhunter,)
Suggested alternate activity: Scouring eBay for an original "Miami Device," an '80s electric razor designed to give users that three-days-without-shaving look.
Little Miss Sunshine
What it's about: Greg Kinnear, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, and Toni Collette star in this dark comedy about a dysfunctional family taking a cross-country road trip to enter the daughter in the eponymous beauty pageant.
Why it's probably a waste of time: The film's subject seems conducive to obvious, labored satirical jabs at pushy stage mothers and other easy targets.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Little Miss Sunshine wowed 'em at Sundance, and the cast is strong. And anything that kills at Park City is destined to triumph in the outside world, right?
Suggested alternate activity: Why not relive the magic of Sundance's storied past with such buzzed-about alums as The Spitfire Grill and Happy, Texas?
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