August 4
Flags Of Our Fathers
What it's about: Adapting James Bradley's book, director Clint Eastwood details the lives of the six World War II soldiers who raised the flag at the Battle Of Iwo Jima.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Today's wars are all about disillusionment and scandal, so audience members under 50 are likely to view it as science fiction. Screenwriter Paul Haggis was responsible for Crash, one of the worst Best Picture winners since the Pacific Theater was won.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Haggis also wrote Million Dollar Baby, Eastwood's best movie in years, so there's every reason to hope their collaboration will be fruitful again. Of all the living directors who could pull off a 21st-century The Best Years Of Our Lives, Eastwood seems like the best choice.
Suggested alternate activity: Begin work on PR Stunts Of Our Great Grandsons, the triumphant story of the flacks who brought you the fall of Saddam's statue in central Baghdad.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby
What it's about: Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play lifetime friends/NASCAR racing partners whose latest challenge is French driver Sacha Baron Cohen (a.k.a. Ali G). Anchorman's Adam McKay directs from a script he co-wrote with Ferrell.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Isn't this just Anchorman on wheels?
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Anchorman on wheels? That sounds awesome!
Suggested alternate activity: Thinking up more alternate titles for Poseidon. How about Hang In There!: The Motion Picture, or When The World's Turned Upside Down, You've Got To Get To The Bottom To Reach The Top?
August 9
World Trade Center
What it's about: Nicolas Cage leads a team of emergency personnel struggling to escape the rubble of the World Trade Center on Sept. 11.
Why it's probably a waste of time: A suspense movie that trades on 9/11's profoundly emotional memory needs to be respectful and subtle. So who's directing this? Oh crap, it's Oliver Stone.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: Stone promised to leave the politics at home, though he hasn't promised to leave behind blitzkrieg montages filled with crying Indians and tattered American flags.
Suggested alternate activity: Sitting alone in a dark room and silently sobbing.
August 11
Zoom
What it's about: Tim Allen plays a former superhero (still with us, or are you already skipping ahead?) who has to whip an academy of would-be heroes into shape.
Why it's probably a waste of time: They made this movie last summer. It was called Sky High. Nobody saw it, but it was a lot of fun.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: It's from the director of Garfield: The Movie. No, that isn't a reason… Hmmm… Chevy Chase? Courteney Cox Arquette? Rip Torn's in it. That's kind of a reason.
Suggested alternate activity: Rent Sky High.
August 18
Snakes On A Plane
What it's about: FBI Samuel L. Jackson fights you-know-what released on a you-know-what by an assassin trying to get at a witness in protective custody.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Is there any possible way this film could live up to its hilariously bad title and the virulent Internet pre-fandom it's developed? Better to skip it, leaving it as one of the year's best pop-culture gags instead of as the mediocre creature feature it's likely to be.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: After the film developed an eager following online, New Line filmed extra scenes reportedly featuring more nudity, more death, more of Jackson ranting about the motherfucking snakes he wants off his motherfucking plane, and unsurprisingly, more snakes. What about that doesn't sound promising?
Suggested alternate activity: Sitting at home bitching at your Myspace friends about how this whole Snakes On A Plane thing was OMG so totally never funny.
Clerks II
What it's about: Ten years after the events of Kevin Smith's black-and-white indie hit Clerks, stars Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson return to their characters, now in their 30s and increasingly unhappy about their wasted lives.
Why it's probably a waste of time: Kevin Smith descended into self-indulgence and self-satisfied repetition long ago, and everything fresh, funny, or exciting about his movies seems to come at the price of a heaping helping of protracted been-there-done-that in-jokes for his devout loyalists.
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: To see whether Smith—himself in his 30s and possibly ready for something new—is actually taking this idea somewhere significant, or just returning to the well for another cash-in on the cult hit that made him famous.
Suggested alternate activity: Doing some serious thinking about what your own crappy job is doing to your life, and maybe looking for a better one. Or at least some better ways to entertain yourself than robotically shelling out $10 a pop for tickets to the latest would-be summer blockbuster.
August 25
Idlewild
What it’s about: Andre Benjamin plays a gifted pianist working at a speakeasy in the Prohibition-era South. OutKast partner Big Boi plays his manager. Together, they tussle with mobsters and wrestle with familial obligations. Also, there will be music. Glorious, glorious music.
Why it’s probably a waste of time: Writer-director Bryan Barber comes from the style-heavy, substance-light world of music videos, and vehicles for superstar rappers have a justifiably spotty reputation. Will Idlewild be OutKast’s 8 Mile, or its Get Rich Or Die Tryin’?
Why it might be worth seeing anyway: OutKast has become synonymous with wildly ambitious, high-quality hip-hop. Will that rep carry over to film? If nothing else, the music should be memorable and the setting colorful. And after the twin-solo-album magnum opus The Love Below/Speakerboxxxx, it’ll be nice to see Big Boi and Andre 3000 actually working together again.
Suggested alternate activity: Listening to any OutKast CD. They’re all pretty terrific.
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