The A.V. Club was recently spinning last year's superb Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967 box set when we thought, "Damn, there sure are a lot of songs about dancing, and a lot of them are weirder than we remembered." It's one thing to hear old-timers talk about "doing The Monkey" or "doing The Swim," but it's quite another to hear The Marlins perform "(Everybody Do) The Swim Pt. 1," and find out that rather than a simple call to the dance floor, it's a moody piece, barely danceable. So in the spirit of cultural investigation, we've rounded up two hours' worth of songs about specific dances, and tried to figure out what we can learn about dancing from them. Yes, we skipped a bunch: no Time Warp, no Monster Mash, no Crusher, and no dances from the pre-rock era, like The Charleston or The Virginia Reel. But to make up for not being comprehensive, we took a little extra time to glean from these songs either how the dances in question should be done, or who should do them.
DISC 1
1. Wilson Pickett, "Land Of 1000 Dances" (available on A Man And A Half: The Best Of Wilson Pickett)
Pickett provides our overture, name-checking a dozen or so popular rock dances, from The Twist to The Mashed Potato, and all but demanding that we learn them if we want to be in style. Then he tops it all off with an invitation to freestyle, singing "Na na na na na" while we fend for ourselves.
The how & who: Adding insult to exclusion, Pickett doesn't tell us how to do The Pony, The Jerk, or The Watusi. If we don't know, we're already lost.
2. Dee Dee Sharp, "Mashed Potato Time" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
As with almost all the rock era's classic novelty "dance" songs, "Mashed Potato Time" begins by insisting that the dance we're about to do is "the latest" and "the greatest"—though Sharp also tells us that The Mashed Potato "started a long time ago," so there seems to be a paradox. Anyway, it's hard to believe that the song is the latest, since it rips off "Please Mr. Postman" so blatantly that the Cameo-Parkway people had to pay Motown royalties.
The how & who: We aren't told how to do The Mashed Potato, or even who should do it, but Sharp does cite some records that we can "do it to," including "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" and, yes, "Please Mr. Postman."
3. Van McCoy & The Soul City Symphony, "The Hustle" (available on The Hustle And The Best Of Van McCoy)
Ah, the genius of the song that took the coked-up anxiety of malaise-ridden '70s America and turned it into something giddy and glam, complete with a naggingly catchy flute melody and strings and horns ready-made for a Love Boat scoring session.
The how & who: A song that's all chorus doesn't drop many clues, but picture a red-eyed, toupeed U.S. congressman, days away from being indicted in Abscam, shaking his nylon suit in front of a braless call girl in a lower-Manhattan nightclub. That's more or less the vibe.
4. Candy & The Kisses, "The 81" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
A surprisingly funky guitar lick for 1964 gives way to handclaps, horns, and cooing Kisses, as Candy Nelson sings about a dance that's "better than The Cha Cha," and perfect for people who are "tired of doing The Monkey."
The how & who: Neither Candy nor The Kisses give any clue as to the steps involved in "The 81," but we're told that everyone's doing it "whether they're old or young." Especially old. "Mama's going to buy herself some dancing shoes," Nelson sings, implying that this is either a really classy dance, or a really lame one.
5. The Dovells, "Bristol Stomp" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
Another "latest" and "greatest" dance, held up as superior to The Pony and The Twist, though something about the name "The Bristol Stomp" makes it sound kind of old-fashioned and charming—a dance done by suburbanites in the same clean high-school gym where their folks once danced The Jitterbug.
The how & who: The Dovells make it plain who's doing this dance: "The kids in Bristol." And however they do it, when they do it, they look "sharp as a pistol." And just how sharp is that, anyway?
6. Jump 'N The Saddle Band, "The Curly Shuffle" (available on Jump 'N The Saddle Band)
How did this become a hit back in 1984? A Chicago bar band versed in western swing and big-band boogie stamps out a novelty single featuring a Three Stooges impersonation and a few lame lines about The Three Stooges—"Me and my friends / We all like to see / Comedy classics on late-night TV"—and that was apparently enough to capture the imagination of record-buyers in the thick of the Reagan era. Shouldn't those people have been watching MTV and dressing like The Thompson Twins?
The how & who: Presumably, all you have to do is say "nyuk-nyuk" a lot and smack your face repeatedly in a vertical motion.
7. Chubby Checker, "The Twist" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
More or less the dance song that started the '60s novelty-dance revolution (though not the current Dance Dance Revolution), Checker's midtempo grinder leans heavy on a low sax riff and some drum fills, evoking the sound of repetitive physical contortion.
The how & who: The visual component is missing from the record version ("It goes like this," Checker sings, vaguely), but archival documents indicate that you twist your body back and forth while lifting one foot at a time. As to who does the dance, Checker refers to "my little sis," and indicates that the dance is best done after the parents have gone to bed. Any wonder why teenagers liked this song so much?
8. Sam Cooke, "Tennessee Waltz" (available on Portrait Of A Legend 1951-1964)
There've been a lot of versions of "Tennessee Waltz," but we'll take Cooke's uptempo take, in part because it really swings, and in part because Cooke holds onto the pathos of the song's story, which is about a dude who loses his gal to his best friend, while dancing to this awesome tune.
The how & who: The who? Jilted lovers, who love the song so much that they apparently don't mind getting cuckolded. The how? Who knows? But somehow the characters in the song were able to dance to The Tennessee Waltz before the song had even been written.
9. Van Morrison, "Moondance" (available on Moondance)
British folkies had already been introducing elements of jazz into their mythic song-poems when Morrison came along with a stack of old soul records and showed how to rhyme the ancient with the modern, and pop out the lyrical—even with a flute and piano working jaunty improvisations around a central melody.
The how & who: Maybe it's because of Morrison's gnomish physique, but it's easy to imagine this dance being performed by elves and fairies, twirling around like "the leaves on the trees… falling to the sound of the breezes that blow."
10. Prince, "Batdance" (available on Batman)
Snatches of dialogue from the hit Tim Burton movie Batman play over a three-part, mostly instrumental dance-music suite, beginning with an uptempo new-wave soul track, then shifting to a slower, funkier break before ending in a pogo frenzy. It's one of Prince's more underrated songs, if only because it's so much fun to dance to.
The how & who: Prince lends his voice to the song only occasionally, singing lines like "Batdance," "Batman," "Ooh yeah, I want to bust that body," and "Do it." Those who wish to Batdance need to be versatile and energetic, and enjoy hearing Jack Nicholson, Michael Keaton, and Kim Basinger have their words cut together into sophomoric sex chat.
11. The Miracles, "Mickey's Monkey" (available on Smokey Robinson + The Miracles: The Ultimate Collection)
Not "The Monkey" per se, but a well-crafted Motown knockoff, helped along by a suave-sounding horn section and Smokey Robinson's inspired nonsense words, "lum-de-lum-de-lie-aye."
The how & who: Robinson tells us that it's "the new teenage craze," brought to town by some "cat named Mickey." Now do it! Do it! (It's amazing how many of these songs are just peer pressure on wax.)
12. The Johnny Otis Show, "Crazy Country Hop" (available on The Greatest Johnny Otis Show)
Over a Bo Diddley-style beat and some Chuck Berry-style guitar choogle, Johnny Otis spins a tale about a rock 'n' roll band gigging "way down in a country town" where characters like Old MacDonald and Snaggletooth Belinda get driven wild by that untamed rock sound.
The how & who: No actual steps—the "hop" in question is more of a barn dance—but the mayhem is reportedly triggered by "a beat-up saxophone" and that time when "the drummer rang a bell." That's when "all them country cats" started yelling, "Ooh la la, let's rock 'n' roll."
13. Dee Dee Sharp, "Do The Bird" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
If you've ever wanted to be "a crazy flier," and if you already know how to "Twist and Pony," then consider staying current by flapping your fool arms, you impressionable pop freak.
The how & who: According to Sharp, "you can even do it sitting down," though that may diminish the "shimmy-shimmy" effect you're reportedly supposed to achieve.
14. John Lennon, "Do The Oz" (available as a bonus track on John Lennon Anthology)
So, is it "Oz" as in Australia, or "Oz" as in L. Frank Baum? Lennon doesn't specify, though this droning, squealing, ear-damaging anti-dance song would probably be most welcome over the rainbow.
The how & who: Specific commands dot the song: "Put your left hand in," "your right hand out," "your right leg up," and "your left leg down," then, "shake it all about." The lawyers for famed dance creators John Hokey and Richard Pokey may need to give Apple Corp. a call.
15. Roxy Music, "Do The Strand" (available on For Your Pleasure)
A brilliant piece of postmodern pop—in that it both comments on dance songs and is an invigorating dance song itself—Roxy Music's deconstruction of novelty dances hits all the steps, claiming that The Strand is "a fabulous creation," and "a danceable solution to teenage revolution." Then lead singer Bryan Ferry runs down the other dance crazes, but aside from a dis of "Mashed Potato schmaltz," he mostly calls on those who are "tired of The Tango," "fed up with Fandango," "bored with The Beguine" and "weary of the waltz." All of which proves that there's really no such thing as a "a new sensation."
The how & who: Ferry claims that "The Sphinx and Mona Lisa" did The Strand, but listening to the song, it seems more like a dance to be done by emotionless Teutonic types, moving one body part at a time.
16. The Dismemberment Plan, "Do The Standing Still" (available on The Dismemberment Plan Is Terrified)
One of The Dismemberment Plan's legendary spazz-out numbers, this jokey paean to yet another "sensation… across the nation" isn't wholly original—see the Martin Mull song coming up next—but bandleader Travis Morrison uses the idea of "a hundred million kids in suspended animation" to make a larger point.
The how & who: Morrison jabs at the affectless reactions of alt-rock crowds, calling out the audience at a "Plan show in Fargo" for showing their appreciation by being too cool to move. (Note: Several of those audience members reportedly went on to write for Pitchfork.)
17. Martin Mull, "Do The Nothin'" (available on Rockin' Memphis: 1960's-1970's, Vol. 1)
Just a smartass comedian and his electric guitar, recorded live in a comedy club in the early '70s, telling kids about the perfect dance for their drugged-out generation.
The how & who: Mull is specific about who can do The Nothin', mentioning "a friend who couldn't dance" (because he had "trouble somewhere down in his pants"), and insisting that "dead people can do it too / ever better now than me or you."
18. The Dovells, "Do The New Continental" (available on Cameo Parkway: 1957-1967)
The original Bristol Stompers make a return appearance with another classy-titled dance, undercut by an instrumental track that's heavy on clanging cowbell and boozy horns. Sounds like the suburbanites have hit the city, and found a club that doesn't card.
The how & who: See if you can follow these instructions: "Swim like a fish with the dear old-lady twist," then "slide to the right, but keep it nice and tight," then "go left, go right." What's next? Pass out?
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