1. The Irritating Academic
A longtime staple of Criterion Collection DVDs, Irritating Academics typically introduce themselves, then read whole passages from their books on the semiotics of slapstick (or whatever), while only occasionally noting what's happening onscreen. And even when they do sync up with the action, their observations tend to overscrutinize every element of the scene, as in this tidbit from The Lady Eve commentator Marian Keane: "A silent, random person cuts through the frame, carrying a large object. These quick moments of near-surrealism are Preston Sturges' acknowledgements that just outside this frame, there's a movie set." Um… they are?
2. The Nostalgist
Ah, wasn't the golden age golden? Don't agree? Well, pay attention to the Nostalgist, who will explain why the classic you're watching could never be made today, or in extreme cases, how the film represents an example of a lost art that contemporary filmmakers could never hope to match. In this category, nobody quite rivals Peter Bogdanovich, who uses the term "the classic directors" as an indirect jab against the no-talents of today. From his commentary for The Searchers: "Interesting that [director John Ford] doesn't go to [John] Wayne in a close-up. He does it in the dark. Again, the classic directors were judicious. They knew what an audience needed and what it didn't want."
3. The Narrator
The Narrator somehow imagines that the job of an audio commentator is to painstakingly explain what's happening onscreen for viewers too stupid to follow the action. Though Narrators seemingly derive great satisfaction out of merely explaining a film's storyline in jaw-droppingly literal terms, they're also generally keen on explicating how this relates to resonant themes and character motivation. The ultimate Narrator: R. Kelly, who interrupts his breathless narration-commentary of Trapped In The Closet just long enough to marvel at his own genius.
4. The Nitpicker
The Nitpicker is categorically incapable of seeing the forest for the trees, obsessing relentlessly on irksome details most viewers would never notice, while cavalierly ignoring a film's elephantine faults. On the Glitter DVD, director Vondie Curtis-Hall behaves as if he'd gladly trade an internal organ for an opportunity to redo tiny technical aspects of the film, while remaining curiously silent on slightly more glaring faults, like Mariah Carey's atrocious lead performance.
5. The Bloodless Technician
Bloodless Technicians inexplicably assume that anyone accessing their commentaries has a bottomless need for technical information about every aspect of a film, including where scenes were shot and at what time of day, what lenses were used, and countless other bits of ephemera of interest exclusively to the commentator. (In his commentary for Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, George Clooney also thoughtfully mentions which film he stole nearly every shot from.) The Bloodless Technician stops just short of FedExing call sheets and itemized budgets to everyone listening.
6. The Strong Silent Type
Shhhhh! We're trying to watch the movie here! Some commentators like to go light on the commentary. Witness Dennis Hopper's Easy Rider track, which contains as many arid stretches as the American southwest seen onscreen. Or listen to virtually any Robert Altman track: They're cheerful and informative enough, but no one seems to be prodding Altman to talk any more than he wants.
7. The Fake Underdog
According to Fake Underdogs, the odds were so ridiculously stacked against them that it's a staggering miracle they ever got the chance to begin production on the movie they're discussing, let alone see it through to completion. Fake Underdogs invariably portray themselves as plucky Davids taking on formidable Goliaths, no matter how big their budgets or how dependable their source material.
8. The Lecher
Generally appearing on commentary tracks for vintage drive-in trash, The Lecher relives past glories by lusting anew after the same naked women he cast in his movies decades ago. The quintessential Lecher is quintessential nudie-flick kingpin Russ Meyer, who used to drop commentary-tracks bons mots along the lines of, "When gals lay down in the brambles, they get their ass scratched, and I like that," and, "I always liked wrought-iron beds, because they're reminiscent of whorehouses." But Meyer is challenged for Lecher supremacy by softcore smut producer Harry Novak, who opens his commentary for The Godson with the line, "I just like watching those big tits there."
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