9. The Indifferent Cast Member
There's a law of diminishing returns to group commentary tracks, because while two or three people in a room can make for a lively conversation, four or more often prompts awkward silences, as everyone waits for their colleagues to say something. The worst participants are those actors who probably shouldn't have agreed to appear on the track in the first place. Distracted, reticent, even pissy, these contract-fulfillers are usually the first to poop the party by grumbling, "Who listens to these things, anyway?"
10. The Smoker
Listen to the clinking of lighters. Hear the satisfied exhalation of the first drag. Notice the slight mumbling caused by clenched lips. The Smoker can't get through a track without indulging, and doesn't care whether you notice. This type is especially common among the great horror directors. George Romero tends to cough his way through tracks, while it's almost a pleasure to hear how much John Carpenter enjoys his smokes. Almost. (See also Kevin Smith.)
11. The Professor
The Professor turns every commentary track into a Xerox of the most insufferable Film Studies lecture you ever suffered through. Take the Twisted track, in which director Philip Kaufman tweedily discourses on the resonant themes, enduring archetypes, and timeless brilliance of his nearly universally reviled flop. Remember that obnoxious professor who assigned his own books in all his classes? The commentary-track Professor is that insufferable blowhard taken to the nth power.
12. President Of Own Fan Club
The President Of Own Fan Club types don't see the need for false modesty, or modesty of any kind. They view audio commentaries as wonderful opportunities to bask in their creative brilliance and pay reverent homage to themselves all over again. Prominent Presidents Of Own Fan Clubs include Michael Bay on The Island commentary track and the especially shameless Damon Dash on State Property 2.
13. The Explainer
Did a movie not go over well at the box office? Audiences didn't engage with it, or critics didn't approve? Maybe they just didn't understaaand it. Which is why The Explainer—usually a writer-director, often a first-timer—is there to lay out in detail what's going on in the characters' heads, or just under the symbolic surface. Explainers tend to be hyperbolically sincere as they justify their plots and their characters' actions in minute detail, letting listeners know what they're really seeing onscreen. See: David Duchovny's detailed analysis of his own imagery in House Of D, or Rebecca Miller's attempts to take all the ambiguity out of her gorgeous film Angela by putting her characters on the couch.
14. The Party Crew
Man, it was fun making that film. And man, it's cool to be back together again, watching that film and hanging out with some of the people involved. And man, it's really fun to drink a little, smoke up a little, or just get a social contact-high from hangin' out with the buds and our movie. Oh, is this all being recorded? And we're getting paid for it too? Dude, cool. There have been plenty of notable Party Crew commentaries, where the commentators seem far more focused on the fun of getting together than on the film or any potential listeners, but Trey Parker and Matt Stone (Cannibal: The Musical; South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut; Team America) and their associated friends invariably party the heartiest.
15. The Doddering Oldster
It's nice that so many Hollywood veterans are still around to share their memories of working on the classics, but not everyone can be like Stanley Donen, brightening up Criterion's Charade DVD with charming anecdotes. Some are more like the late Robert Wise, who couldn't remember much of interest about the likes of The Set-Up, The Day The Earth Stood Still, or Star Trek: The Motion Picture. And then there's Vincent Sherman, who croaks his way through tracks on Bette Davis and Joan Crawford DVDs, either rambling about his relationships with the actresses, or making assertions about the movies that are plainly untrue. Could these guys not be spared having to deliver a two-hour monologue, and maybe do a short on-camera interview instead? After all, that's why God invented featurettes.
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