DECEMBER 1
The Nativity Story
Cast: Keisha Castle-Hughes, Oscar Isaac, Shohreh Aghdashloo
What we guess it's about: A little over 2,000 years ago, a couple traveled to Bethlehem to deliver what turned out to be the Son Of God. Yeah, we know, crazy story.
Studio-imposed official statement: After a long search to find the right person to bring Christ's birth to the big screen, New Line Cinema is proud to support Catherine Hardwicke, who promised not to get drunk and launch into anti-Semitic rants!
DECEMBER 8
Apocalypto
Cast: Rudy Youngblood, Gerardo Taracena, Raoul Trujillo
What we guess it's about: Yet another low-budget J-horror adaptation, perhaps shot in Mexico?
Studio-imposed official statement: Mel Gibson returns to the ancient world for a subtitled epic about the fall of the Mayans. Jews are welcome!
Breaking And Entering
Cast: Juliette Binoche, Robin Wright Penn, Jude Law
What we guess it's about: Like Lovely And Amazing and Walking And Talking, this looks to be a chatfest featuring gals jibber-jabbering mindlessly about shoes, cookies, and their crush on noted hunktor Jude Law.
Studio-imposed official statement: A break-in changes the lives of a wealthy couple in the latest from master storyteller Anthony Minghella!
DECEMBER 15
Blood Diamond
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Djimon Hounsou
What we guess it's about: It's all about the bling-bling in what we suspect is a rap-happy hip-hop musical where the rhymes and laughs fly as fast as the bullets.
Studio-imposed official statement: Leonardo DiCaprio stars in a riveting exploration of the cruelty and bloodshed behind the lucrative diamond-mining industry!
Eragon
Cast: Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, Robert Carlyle
What we guess it's about: Jeremy Irons' presence in a family-friendly fantasy epic can only mean one thing: They finally answered our e-mails, letters, and hourly phone calls by making another Dungeons & Dragons sequel! Yay!
Studio-imposed official statement: A plucky youngster discovers a fantastical dragon's egg and embarks on the journey of a lifetime!
The Pursuit Of Happyness
What we guess it's about: Given the crazily misspelled title and the mostly African-American cast, we guess this is one of those zany-but-uplifting Tyler Perry-style comedies.
Studio-imposed official statement: Smith and son will touch your heart as a single-parent family striving to work their way out of the ghetto. Bring a full box of Kleenex!
DECEMBER 22
The Good Shepherd
Cast: Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie, Robert De Niro
What we guess it's about: At Christmas, what the world needs is the inspiring story of the men who stopped tending their flocks when the Angel Of The Lord descended and told them The Good News about Jesus.
Studio-imposed official statement: De Niro directs an epic spy thriller about the real-life consequences of working in the CIA. Dust off a spot on your Oscar shelf, Matt!
Rocky Balboa
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Antonio Tarver, Milo Ventimiglia
What we guess it's about: Wasn't there an explorer by that name? Oh wait… Stallone's in this? Then this must be… oh, crap.
Studio-imposed official statement: Call it a comeback! Rocky returns!
DECEMBER 25
Children Of Men
Cast: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine
What we guess it's about: The trailers promote this science-fiction film as the latest from the director of Y Tu Mamá También and Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban. So clearly this is some sort of hybrid halfway between those two movies.
Studio-imposed official statement: Imagine a future in which you can have all the unprotected sex you want without worrying about having children! Paradise on Earth!
Dreamgirls
Cast: Jamie Foxx, Eddie Murphy, Beyoncé Knowles
What we guess it's about: Booty Call smoothed out on the Adventures Of Pluto Nash tip with a Fighting Temptations fizz.
Studio-imposed official statement: Get lost in a glittery world of glamour and seduction in Bill Condon's star-studded adaptation of the venerable musical!
« Previous | 1 | 2 | 3
- Comments