Tagline: "Bedtime stories for grownups."
Plot: Mother Goose (played by Hal Smith, a.k.a. Otis from The Andy Griffith Show) gets put on trial for obscenity. When she takes the stand, she says, "I guess I'd better start at the fucking beginning. Um, I mean, 'Once upon a time…'" Then she proceeds to tell the real stories of Jack and the beanstalk, Cinderella, and Little Red Riding Hood, in X-rated detail, aided by a group of Disney animators moonlighting from their day jobs.
Key scenes: The movie shoots most of its figurative load in the first segment, which has a breast-obsessed Jack trading his cow to a flasher in a trenchcoat for a sack of beans, which he later ejaculates on, causing an enormous phallic beanstalk to erupt out of the ground. He climbs the stalk to an erotic fairyland in the clouds, where plates of food have sex with each other while a magic harp plays. Inspired by the music, Jack attempts to get it on with the giant's wife, but when her husband comes home, he has to hide inside her vagina, and avoid the thrusting of the giant's penis. Um… trippy?
Can easily be distinguished by: The annoying synthesizer, meant to evoke the renaissance or something. Also the repetitive animation, which cycles through the same motions over and over, like the cartoons of the '30s.
Sign that it was made in 1976: The wicked witch in one of the segments is dressed like Vampirella.
Timeless message: X-rated cartoons suck.
Memorable quotes: The best quotes emerge in the Once Upon A Girl DVD bonus features, which include an interview with producer William Silberkleit, who speaks frankly about the economics of the exploitation business, and how he used this movie as a tax shelter. As far as the movie itself, nothing beats the admonition Prince Charming's father gives him: "I've got to get you married and screwing to assure a line of succession!"
Available on DVD from Severin.
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