Remember in Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer when Rudolph ends up on the Island Of Misfit Toys, a magical place filled with mismatched but oh-so-loveable unwanted playthings? It's a sweet scene, but it's also a lie. In fact, misfit toys can be found all over the place, clogging up store aisles with detritus from yesterday's would-be blockbuster movies and knock-offs of passing fads. Each year, The A.V. Club plunges into this not-so-adorable world to rescue the most interesting items before they vanish into well-deserved oblivion. Here's the best/worst of what this year had to offer.
Rnimrl Robot ($1)
Remember the Transformers? Kinda cool back in the '80s, weren't they? So cool, in fact, that cheap knockoffs are still being made today. For instance, "Rnimrl Robot," whose packaging randomly proclaims "Feral King Big Match," "Modern Style," and "New Cantury Meccano." With a great deal of wrestling and determination, you can in fact transform these things from lumpy, animal-like shapes into lumpy microcephalic robots. Now if only there was an animated series available to explain what the hell a "rnimrl" is.
Instant Circus ($1)
Part of the ever-expanding line of "drop something small and compact in warm water and watch it grow into a little formless sponge" toys, the "Instant Circus" is noteworthy for its generous assortment of capsules—12 little lumps that, when moistened, almost look like animals!—and for its hoity-toity packaging, which insists that Instant Products are "used by educators worldwide," and proves its case by including a fairly well-written history of the circus on the back of the box. (It's only a paragraph, but drop it in water, and it expands to an encyclopedia entry.) An even more compelling story could be written about the drawing on the front, which has a green capsule with a ringmaster's hat, riding on the back of an elephant, which presumably used to be a capsule itself. Philosophical question: Who's happier?
Joke Teller ($3.99, marked down from $5.99)
This plastic keychain, which scrolls bad riddles across its tiny screen, then laughs histrionically at them, is automatically better than most items in The A.V. Club's annual Cheap Toy Roundup in that it "Really works!" Or so proclaims the excited packaging. Several times. So much better than all those toys with "Completely nonfunctional!" and "Utterly worthless!" printed on the box! Unfortunately, the fact that it functions means that parents will be subject to their children learning a whopping 200 terrible jokes, like "Q: What did Captain Hook say to his friend? A: Can you lend me a hand?" Fortunately, the jokes scroll across the screen so painfully slowly that this toy is likely to occupy kids for hours at a time, as they wait a silent eternity to learn why the baseball player went to baking school, or what a monster reads every day in the paper. Then again, kids may just run around holding down the "laugh" button, and gaining unearned self-esteem from the toy's enthusiastic support of every dumb thing they do.
Dora The Explorer Inflatable Swiper ($4.99, from $6.99)
Speaking of non-functional toys, this inflatable plastic toy—a fox character named Swiper, though he looks more like the result of a drunken mating between a weasel and a banana, with the Hamburglar as godfather—is apparently useless for any purpose, to judge from the long list of cautions and warnings on the front of the box. It's a choking hazard for those under 3. Children of any age shouldn't be left alone with it. (Why not? Will it molest them?) It should be kept away from fire and water. Children must not be permitted to jump on it or dive onto it. It shouldn't be overinflated, and it must be checked regularly "for leakage and tears." Presumably, that's "tears" as in the tears your children will be weeping if you give them this thing, then sit in the room staring at them while they play, and listing off all the caveats and regulations associated with it. All that's missing is the warning from plastic grocery bags: "THIS IS NOT A TOY."
Pickles Cucumbers ($1)
Yep, it's a miniature plastic jar containing plastic pickles: five whole, two sliced. Now kids can simulate the fun of struggling to open the lid, and cursing the gods for making their grips so weak and their hunger for garnish so strong. No brine is included, but children can easily fill the jar with water, so they can enjoy getting their index and middle fingers wet while they fish for that elusive bread-and-butter chip that keeps swimming just out of reach.
Noah's Wife, Ham, Shem, and Japheth ($2.99, from $4.99)
Let's face it: That shameless attention-hog Noah dominates the story of the great flood with his flashy, in-your-face ark-building, animal-gathering, and order-following. But what about Noah's posse? The half-forgotten D12 to his Eminem? Heroes Of Faith gives long-overdue props to the other folks aboard Noah's life-sustaining love boat: Noah's Wife and his three sons, Ham, Shem, and the irrepressible Japheth, are each represented by small, choking-hazardriffic plastic figurines just begging to get stuck in the windpipe of a pious toddler. Yes, the obnoxiously devout Rod and Todd Flanders of your world will derive minutes of fun watching these God-loving Biblical also-rans fight to save humanity from becoming extinct.
Lovely Baby ($1.99, from $2.99)
Okay, seriously, what's creepier, the Lovely Baby's swollen ankles and clearly deformed, twisted legs, or the "TRY ME" label positioned above its crotch? (Poke it there, and it plays a tinny version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," just like a real baby.)
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