Future Gun ($1)
Strangely, the Future Gun is a crossbow, which makes it very difficult to distinguish from Historical Gun. Maybe it's futuristic because it's made out of cheap plastic? Or maybe it comes from some grim, low-tech Mad Max kind of future, where small plastic crossbows with suction-cup darts will be the cutting edge in weaponry? (That might explain why the packaging claims that Future Gun is "winner superior.") Actually, the most laughable thing about Future Gun is the words "Try Me" emblazoned on the package. Never mind that the thing is disassembled and tightly sealed in plastic, and absolutely no part of it can be tried until you pony up your buck and take it home, Future Sucker.
Ping-Pong Super Gun ($1)
Then again, it might be a lot more fun to plop down the dollar for "Ping-Pong Super Gun," which promises "Unbelievable Stimulation" and "Stimulation FUN game." Whoo!
Plastic Bobbing Head Graduation Frame ($1)
This little statuette of a gowned and hatted graduate will provide endless hours of family fun: Just cut the head off a picture of your favorite graduate, put it in the bobblehead frame, and listen to hours of said graduate complaining that he or she doesn't actually have pointy yellow hair and Parkinson's disease. Alternately, give the thing to your small children and let them play Faceless Scary Pointy-Hat Tentacle-Head Monster.
Metallic Insect Punch Pens ($1 each)
Remember all those cute bugs from A Bug's Life and Antz? Didn't you secretly want to see them pound the shit out of each other? Well, now you can. And then you can write about their trip to the insect hospital. At least, if you can pry the stiff plastic caps off the pens.
Learning Town: Happy Home ($12.99)
In this tidy bit of block-based social engineering, a young family of cubes inhabits a split-level starter home with a one-car garage and two conveniently square rooftop perches for Mommy, Daddy, and Baby. When placed in the right spot and pressed, the cubelings play chirpy messages like "Daddy can hug! Can you hug?" and "Daddy's cooking in the kitchen today!" and "Shhh! Baby is sleeping!" (Translation for that last one: "Can you stop yammering about what a sensitive dude you are for one goddamned second, Daddy?") Other cool facts about Daddy: He's grown a little moustache! And while his wife and kid have words like "flower," "milk," and "giggle" written on their sides, Daddy has "spoon" and "shirt." The people who made this toy have no idea what a father is, says, or does, do they?
Sonic Sound Sizzlers Noise-Magnets ($1.99)
The "sizzle" sound that these two heavy block magnets make when they clack together is really just the sound of two metal surfaces rapidly settling against each other, not any kind of electromagnetic shock. But that doesn't make it any less cool when you toss the magnets into the air separately and they charge into each other with a zesty "zap." When you've had all the fun you can have with the tossing game—after about 30 seconds, in other words—you can put one magnet on either side of a finger and marvel as they hang suspended. There, that's 10 more seconds of fun. Now it's time to get down to what you really bought these magnets for: discreetly playing havoc with personal computers and credit cards, in an effort to smash the state.
Girly Goodies ($4.99)
Inside this oversized nail-polish bottle, your sweet little girl will find: one chiffon scrunchie, one lipstick pen, one notebook keychain, two metallic pom-pom ponytail holders, one glitter gem tattoo, one beaded elastic ponytail holder, and one sheet of silver-edged prism decals. Yes, the notebook keychain has a picture of a puppy on it. (Awwwww.) And yes, the metallic pom-pom ponytail holders resemble a pair of pink, spiky testicles. (Ewwwww.)
Goof-Around Golf ($9.99)
Of all the classic Tomy wind-up sports games, none is as winningly ridiculous as "Goof-Around Golf," in which a golf ball with feet hops down a narrow game board toward a comfortable resting hole that can only seem like a pipe dream to this haplessly lurching little sphere. If par for this course is anything less than 100, someone should alert the PGA.
Electronic DJ Mixer ($7.99)
Once upon a time, kids played toy guitars by turning a little crank. Now it's all about two toy turntables and a toy microphone. The pre-set principle remains the same, though. Any kid expecting to make like DJ Shadow with this device is going to be sorely disappointed both by the limited number of beats and "scratch sounds" the toy can make, and by the way every noise coming out of the "Electronic DJ Mixer" sounds like a radio stuck between stations. Ain't nothin' like a party, ya'll.
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