December 6th, 2006
For Aging Unmarried Goths Who Also Collect Japanese Toys
3 Faces Of Danzig Soft Vinyl Dolls ($75 each)
Finally, proof that the dark prince of punk, goth-punk, and classical goth has a sense of humor. This trio of expensive eight-inch figures—manufactured by respected Japanese toy house Medicom—cartoonishly reflects Danzig's journey from Misfits frontman to Samhain blood-bather to "Mother"-belting metal god. But which to purchase for the aging goth or desperate, trenchcoat-clad teenager in your life? Go with the shirtless, bloody Samhain version, whose devil lock make him look far more evil than the solo-era version's flowing mane—though that one does come with an upside-down cross necklace.
Find it at: Comic and specialty stores and websites, including the7thhouse.com
For Teenage Whores, Miss Worlds, Girls Who Want The Most Cake
Dirty Blonde: The Diaries Of Courtney Love ($35)
Expect nothing less than a muddle from a book by Courtney Love, who's built a life and career out of contradiction. As a young punk (and before that, a troubled kid), she desperately wanted fame and fortune, and she got it. So why collect random bits of old journals into a beautifully laid-out, almost unreadable hardcover? Why not? She doesn't choose to reveal anything particularly new in these scribblings, which date from her grade-school days to recent, post-drugs days. The world already knew she was obsessed with rockers and with getting famous, so embarrassing bits like "goals: achieve L.A. visibility. 125 toned pounds" aren't too surprising. As with going through the notes of an insane person—maybe exactly like that—there are nuggets of insight to be found, but don't expect Love to have done the hard work for you: She's simply splattered these pretty pages with her life's detritus, confident that it's important to someone, somewhere. At least to famous friends like Lindsay Lohan and Marc Jacobs. Yawn.
Find it at: Anywhere you find books
For Modern Computer Owners With More Free Ports Than Electrical Outlets
USBCELL AA batteries ($10)
People who buy every new space-age gadget that crops up in gift guides like these will generally find they're running out of electrical outlets where they can plug in their rechargeable cell phones, robot vacuum cleaners, and batteries. And recharging all those neat little portable items in the office often means crawling around under a desk to get to a power strip. The folks at Moxia Energy have a more dignified solution: AA rechargeable batteries that pop open to reveal a USB connector that plugs directly into a computer, laptop, or game-system port. Like all new technology, they're kinda pricey at the moment, but it's hard to fault them for convenience or sheer gee-whiz-neato factor. And more versions—a 9-volt and an AAA, in particular—are in the works.
Find it at: usbcell.com
For People Who Want A Watch That Isn't, By Any Practical Definition, A Timepiece
Nooka Zub 20 Watch ($125)
For a while, wristwatch technology was all about making it easier to tell time—lots of large, digital number displays, soft, glow-in-the-dark lighting, and comforting beeps. But eventually, consumers realized that they could get that same technology from their cell phones, but without having to remember to put on a dumb piece of jewelry in the morning. This shift forced wristwatch manufacturers to re-think their whole approach: "Instead of making it easier to tell time, we should make it more difficult," they thought, "That way people will believe they need wristwatches." And so the Nooka Zub 20 was born—a wristwatch that has a weird name, a flexible rubber band, and a face that looks like a calculator and that's "made of dots that represent the hours and a bar to tell you the minute plus a digital second window which toggles to show the date." Of course. Also, it's blue.
Find it at: Urbanoutfitters.com
For Fans Of Smart, Politically Informed Science Fiction Who Also Like To Play With Cute Little Toys
Battlestar Galactica die-cast vehicles ($5)
Do you love SCI FI's Battlestar Galactica, but wish you could tuck its dark echoes of real-life politics in your pocket? Well, wish no more, thanks to Hasbro's new line of Galactica-inspired titanium series die-cast vehicles. From Cylon raiders to the Galactica herself, they're all here. They're recommended for ages 4 and up, but is anyone ever too young to start learning the harsh sacrifices and soul-crushing compromises of intergalactic statesmanship?
Find them at: Toy stores, Hasbro.com
For Candelabra Fans Who Also Enjoy Folding Things
Ghost Candelabra ($65)
Let's face it: everyone wants a candelabra—they can turn even the simplest dinner into an elegant affair, they look really cool during blackouts, and they're great for re-enacting scenes from The Age Of Innocence. But the problem is their size. Where do you put the heavy gold candelabra when you're finished denying your love for Daniel Day-Lewis once more? Leave it to the design wizards at the MoMA Store to create a solution to a problem that didn't really exist in the first place. This Ghost Candelabra is made out of clear Lucite, and, unlike those clunky, bulky, totally visible candelabras of yore, it folds flat for easy storage—making your dream of traveling with your own personal, ornate candleholder that much closer to reality.
Find it at: Momastore.org
For Everyone Who Thought Casino Royale Would Have Been Better With Elaborate Ski Chases, Women Covered In Gold Paint, Or George Lazenby
James Bond Ultimate Editions: Volumes 1-4 ($90 each)
It always seemed like the only real problem with MGM's previous James Bond DVDs was their bad habit of going out of print seemingly weeks after being released. But the new Ultimate Edition incarnation one-ups the previous editions, piling on the extras that nicely trace the series' evolution from Sean Connery's era-defining '60s appearances to the sorely underrated On Her Majesty's Secret Service through the cheeky, derivative, but generally worthwhile Roger Moore years to the present. The biggest value-add: Sir Roger Moore provides commentary for all his movies. Who knew that Desmond "Q" Llewellyn hated to wear shorts? Moore, that's who.
Find them at: DVD stores, well-stocked bookstores
For The Mac-Hating MP3 Newbie
Microsoft Zune ($249)
Forget about the whole beaming-music gimmick. Who really wants to wirelessly transfer (for just three plays or three days) songs to their friends—assuming their friends actually own Microsoft's much-maligned new music player? Instead, focus on the good: The Zune is lightweight, compact, has a great-looking video screen, features a handy FM tuner, and its software interface—while it's no iTunes—is pretty intuitive. Will it conquer Apple in the MP3-player game? Unlikely. But it does provide fodder for Mac-hating types sick of iPods' weak batteries and tendency to eat music libraries after a year or two. And Microsoft thumbs its nose at old-school Appleheads, anyway: The Zune isn't compatible with Macs. Hardcore techheads may scoff, but the Zune is a fine entry point.
Find it at: Amazon, major electronics retailers
For Those Who Still Can't Afford Vincent Gallo's Semen
An evening or weekend with Vincent Gallo ($50,000 and up)
Last year, we highlighted the "miscellaneous merchandise" section of Vincent Gallo's website, where the director of The Brown Bunny and Buffalo '66 was offering various personal items, including a Chris Squire 8-track (still available for a mere $200!) and his own semen, available for artificial insemination to any would-be moms of, er, an acceptable skin color. The sperm offer (and its hefty $1 million price tag) still stands, but now Gallo is also offering himself as an escort who will "fulfill the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female" who can handle the $50,000-a-day-plus-expenses fee. He's a little more racially sensitive this time around: "Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill." And while he won't escort men ("No way Jose"), "female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend. A weekend that will have them second-guessing." Gallo doesn't actually promise said evening or weekend will amount to a discount chance at acquiring some of that pricey sperm, but he does demand an STD scan, "bathing and grooming prior to our encounter," and "detailed photos of potential clients," and he suggests that clients would be wise to "test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me." No word yet on whether he's willing to prorate a small segment of an evening—assuming a 48-hour weekend, he's charging about $35 a minute. Not a bad deal for the impoverished but motivated groupie.
Find it at: vgmerchandise.com
« Previous | 1 | 2 | 3
- Comments