Every year produces great music and a nearly equal amount of terrible music. Then there's the not-so-creamy middle, the albums that have no real reason to exist, but nonetheless find their way to music-store shelves. Why? The A.V. Club has no answer. We're just here to document them in all their inglorious splendor. So, behold, the utterly puzzling, almost-already-forgotten Least Essential Albums Of 2006.
LEAST ESSENTIAL ALBUM BY AN ACTOR PRETENDING TO BE A SHIT-KICKING COUNTRY BOY
John Corbett, John Corbett (Funbone)
Not content with playing the resident hunky cheeseball on shows like Northern Exposure and Sex And The City, John Corbett decided to take the act out into the real world with a collection of country songs. From the song selection to the backing band to Corbett's hey-it-could-be-worse voice, everything here is straight down the middle. It gives little offense, yet has virtually no reason to exist. It's the definition of inessential in one 50-minute package.
LEAST ESSENTIAL ALBUM BY JULLIARD-TRAINED STREET VIOLINISTS
Nuttin' But Stringz, Struggle From The Subway To The Charts (Koch)
Some artists are born into inessentiality. Others have inessentiality thrust onto them. Then there are acts that stumble unto inessentiality largely by having a really stupid name and an even stupider gimmick. Nuttin' But Stringz definitely falls into the third category with its album of hip-hop string joints. In spite of the title, Struggle From The Subway To The Charts utterly fails to bridge the gap between the street and the classical concert hall, let alone the pop charts. Even more dispiritingly, Nuttin' But Stringz's debut contains considerably more than just strings: There are skits about busking, plenty of rap, overwrought ballads, bland R&B, and even a bizarre stab at violin-based crunk. Oh well, it isn't too late for Nuttin' But Strings to change its name to something more honest, like Strings N' More.
LEAST ESSENTIAL "REUNION"
The New Cars, It's Alive (Eleven Seven)
Hey, wouldn't it be great if The Cars got back together? Wait, the bassist and sometime singer is dead and the lead singer and chief songwriter has no interest? Hmm. Well, what's that "Bang The Drum All Day" guy up to these days? That's the apparent logic behind The New Cars, a mercenary in-name-only (and even then, not really) reunion of the new-wave stalwarts featuring two original members, Todd Rundgren, and two other guys, including the pricelessly named Prairie Prince. It's Alive is a not-so-gripping live document featuring Rundgren doing his best Ric Ocasek impression, rounded out by three studio tracks offering more of the unnecessary same. No more encores, please.
LEAST ESSENTIAL OZZY TRIBUTE
Various artists, Flying High Again: The World's Greatest Tribute To Ozzy Osbourne
"While there have been numerous tributes to the music of Ozzy Osbourne over the years, this one stands above the rest in terms of sheer star power," boasts the back cover of Flying High Again. Yes, no one personifies metal's A-list more than Dee Snider (Twisted Sister), Lita Ford, Yngwie Malmsteen, Joe Lynn Turner (who played in Malmsteen's band!), Tim "Ripper" Owens (that guy from an Iron Maiden tribute band who replaced Rob Halford), and Jack Blades (Night Ranger). Ever wonder what "Crazy Train" would sound like with Dee Snider singing and John Bonham's son on drums? Wonder no more!
LEAST ESSENTIAL MUSIC TIE-IN TO AN INESSENTIAL TV SHOW
Various artists, The Biggest Loser: Music Featured In And Inspired By The NBC Series
Do you ever wonder what keeps Biggest Loser trainer Bob Harper motivated and inspired? What keeps him "on a healthy track"? No? He'll tell you anyway: "MUSIC!!!" Harper has cleverly matched each song on this 13-track compilation to an exercise that he details in the liner notes. When Jessica Simpson kicks into her grating cover of Dead Or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)," you'll be doing push-ups. As you move on to the shoulder press with squats, it's Spin Doctors' "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong." Later, as you finish your workout by stretching, consider your blessings with Martina McBride's "Blessed," and feel good about yourself with Heather Small's life-affirming "Proud," The Biggest Loser's theme song. Next up: The Biggest Loser's soundtrack for binge eating.
LEAST ESSENTIAL SOLO DEBUT FROM A HIP-HOP LEGEND
DMC, Checks Thugs And Rock N Roll (RomenMpire)
Run-DMC's seminal first albums and massive crossover hit "Walk This Way" gave birth to rap-rock, so perhaps it's appropriate that DMC's long-dreaded solo album, Checks Thugs And Rock N Roll is where the bastard genre dies an undignified death. "Watchtower" finds a supergroup of past-their-prime rock veterans (Cars guitarist Elliot Easton, Aerosmith's rhythm section) slaughtering "All Around The Watchtower" while DMC "sings" clumsily earnest new lyrics in a ghostly, frail rasp far removed from his forceful nasal whine during Run DMC's glory days. Then there's "Just Like Me," an embarrassing foray into autobiographical storytelling, featuring Sarah McLachlan handling hook duties with a chorus "borrowed" from "Cat's In The Cradle." Ill-advised stabs at country-rock ("Find My Way" featuring Kid Rock) and social commentary follow in a train wreck of an album that's really an unbeatable argument for a mandatory hip-hop retirement age, thinly disguised as a genre-hopping comeback attempt.
LEAST ESSENTIAL ADDITION TO THE TOYS 'R' US CATALOG
Bratz, Forever Diamondz (Sony)
As if it weren't bad enough that the conspicuous-consumption-in-training Bratz™ dolls have spawned straight-to-DVD movies, an execrable TV series, and more accessories than daddy can shake a credit card at, now they've got a CD tie-in to this year's specialty toy line, featuring generic-sounding, thematically irritating dance-pop. "Can you handle my attitude?" one song asks, while another urges tweener girls to "Express Yourself." Look for Bratz™-approved Xpress-Urself wear in stores during 2007's first fiscal quarter.
LEAST ESSENTIAL RACHAEL RAY BRANDING VENTURE (MUSIC DIVISION)
Various artists, Rachael Ray: Too Cool For School Mixtape For Kids (Sony)
Rachael Ray and her handlers have dumped millions into making her an ostensibly hipper, pre-menopausal Martha Stewart. Gone are the days of Ray, the sorority girl next door with a TV show; now Ray-related crap saturates the marketplace, all bearing her vaguely malevolent grin, like a perkier version of the Joker's. It only makes sense that Ray's media carpet-bombing has spread to music, though thankfully that doesn't include her singing. Yet. Ray establishes her corporate identity with tomorrow's consumers here, picking songs that aren't great (Harry Nilsson's "Coconut"), but could be worse (The Rock-A-Teens' "Woo-Hoo"). The liner notes include recipes, though the chicken "catch-a-tory" ravioli stew is a little involved for the wee ones.
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