LEAST ESSENTIAL COMEDY ALBUM NOT MADE BY CARLOS MENCIA
Raunchiest Jokes From The Golf Course (Uproar Entertainment)
Because the world apparently wasn't ready when this disc was originally released in 2002 as Jokes I Heard On The Golf Course, producer (and apparently performer, though the liner notes aren't clear) David Drozen has decided to repackage it, spotlighting—as is the fashion today—the raunch. Ever been trapped at a wedding by your "crazy" uncle? Just close your eyes and think of England when he says, "A prostitute is walking through the jungle, and she meets a koala bear." Somewhere, Neil Hamburger is taking notes.
LEAST ESSENTIAL BOOK FEATURING EMO TREACLE POSING AS ART
Revolution On Canvas: Poetry From The Indie Music Scene, edited by Rich Balling
"My heart bleeds no more; now, it's been turned to stone. Your stomach feels sick for someone else. I've broken both my legs falling for you." Only an emo band could have written such melodramatic hokum, and in this case, it's Silverstein's Shane Told. He's one of many indie "poets" who has poetry/lyrics/doodles in Revolution On Canvas. What could be worse than histrionic emo music? Histrionic emo lyrics. Morose teenagers can emote to their broken hearts' discontent with Revolution On Canvas, which also features incongruous entries from snotty pop-punk outfit NOFX and ska-punk punchline Reel Big Fish. Then there's "I Just Watched XXX And It Was Awesome," by Bear Vs. Shark's Derek Kiesgen: "he jumped barns / he jumped avalanches / he jumped jumps / I kept throwing up and crying because it was so awesome."
LEAST ESSENTIAL COMEBACK
Body Count, Murder 4 Hire (Escapi)
All the controversy that erupted around Body Count's self-titled 1992 debut and the song "Cop Killer" overlooked the sheer awfulness of Ice-T's speed-metal side project: The wanky guitar solos, forehead-slappingly terrible lyrics, and instantly dated sound united in a perfect storm of sub-mediocrity. T still hasn't learned his lesson, as Murder 4 Hire has all three of those elements in excess. Nevertheless, a sticker on the cover contends it's "EASILY THE MOST ANTICIPATED ALBUM IN YEARS" because it's been a decade since Body Count dropped its last steaming pile, Violent Demise: Last Days. However, the same sticker warns, "PURCHASE AT RISK!!" Which is legitimate: Listeners should be warned about T's tuneless crooning and comical attempts at edginess.
LEAST ESSENTIAL CHRISTMAS ALBUM FROM A HOARSE-VOICED GANGSTA MEDIOCRITY
Jim Jones, A Dipset Christmas (Koch)
Run DMC's classic "Christmas In Hollis" proved that hip-hop wasn't necessarily incompatible with yuletide merriment. The intervening years suggest otherwise. The Death Row Christmas album somehow failed to become a holiday perennial in spite of tidings of good cheer from musical elves Dogg Pound, Nate Dogg, and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Jim Jones' new Dipset Christmas inexplicably follows Death Row's lead by stuffing Dipset cultists' stockings with five generic gangsta-rap songs loaded with references to Christmas—one of which samples "Christmas In Hollis"—and five forgettable gangsta tracks that have nothing whatsoever to do with the birth of the infant messiah. Christmas isn't wholly devoid of heartwarming holiday sentimentality, however. The CD booklet boasts the following message from "Capo" Jim Jones: "I wanted to make a Christmas album for kids in the hood and shit like that." Aww, "Santa" Suge Knight couldn't have put it any better.
LEAST ESSENTIAL GHOULISH LIVE ALBUM
Blind Melon, Live At The Palace (Capitol)
If people think about Blind Melon at all, they think first about that adorable "Bee Girl" in the video for the band's trippy post-grunge hit "No Rain," and then—and only then—do they contemplate the fatal overdose of lead singer Shannon Hoon. But the dark, "in memoriam"-style cover art for Live At The Palace encourages a certain somberness, as do liner notes that point out that Hoon died less than two weeks after this performance. And as for that performance, it's serviceable but unspectacular, and a reminder of how much Blind Melon resembled Jane's Addiction. Right down to the heroin, apparently.
LEAST ESSENTIAL REMINDER OF A SHORT-LIVED, SHITTY TV SHOW
Teddy Geiger, Underage Thinking (Sony)
The most preposterous part of CBS' much-hyped music-biz dramedy Love Monkey had to do with star Thomas Cavanagh—described as an A&R man of unimpeachable integrity, whose favorite musicians are Bob Dylan and The Clash—going apeshit for a hookless emo-pop troubadour named "Wayne," played by actual hookless emo-pop troubadour Teddy Geiger. Underage Thinking is Geiger's debut album, full of yearning sap like "Seven Days Without You," featuring lyrics like "Sitting here counting the hours / Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea / Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers / They remind me of you and me." Least-essential liner-note thank-you: A tie between "Freaking huge thanks to my bros, for being so cool about everything," and "Tom Cavanagh (AHHH! It's because of the heat)." Too bad there'll never be a DVD commentary track to explain what the hell that means.
LEAST ESSENTIAL TRIBUTE ALBUM
Various Artists, Butchering The Beatles: A Headbashing Tribute (Restless)
Truth in advertising still counts for something, which means that this all-star assortment of hard rockers collaborating on Beatles covers deserves a little bit of a break. Sure, shredding lead guitar, sledgehammer drums, and shrieky vocals don't add much to songs like "Magical Mystery Tour" or "Day Tripper," but hey, at least the title doesn't lie. Anyway, until you've heard Lemmy Kilmister slur his way through "Back In The USSR"… well, actually, you'll probably live. And live well.
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