A.V. Club Blog
I know a bad name when I see one. After all, in high school I played in a punk band called Schooled Stupid (which still makes me chuckle)—although we changed it to Cabal before settling on Casper for some reason. When I was 15, I was in a loose industrial-rock collective called 12 Inch Breath Mint, whose phallic undertones were lost on all of us. (As a friend’s mom pointed out, “It’s 12 inches, and you put it in your mouth.”)
So, my bad-name recognition skills thus established, let’s move on to this year’s names, divided into two categories: worst band names (i.e., no redeeming value whatsoever, just sheer suckitude) and best worst band names (i.e., funny or otherwise charming). Let’s begin scraping the barrel’s bottom, shall we?
WORST BAND NAMES
Danger Mouse and Cee-lo’s innovative skills stopped short when it came time to choose a moniker.
Any cock-related name is a lay-up for the list, especially if it’s boner-inspired. Morning boner? Welcome to the list, y’all. While we’re here, let’s do some more genitalia-related names…
What’s this, Latin for erect penis? It sounds terrible in any language.
They have "Sorry mom" at the top of their MySpace page. Nice.
A name like that practically guarantees there’ll be no poon to wrangle after the show. But at least they appear to be a joke band.
If you put “funk” in your name, you should be smacked. Although nothing may ever touch last year’s Public Display Of Funk for sheer audacity in its terribleness. To wit…
Yes, let’s pass one outlawing this band.
Bandits Of The Acoustic Revolution
Using the word “bandits,” minus 5 points. “Revolution,” another five. “Acoustic,” minus 15. Using them together, minus 1,000 points. They sound like cousins of these guys:
and
You can practically smell the patchouli from here. Ditto for these fückengrüven names…
National Ass Groovin’ Association
Similarly, all pot-related names are bad no matter what, as the culture around marijuana couldn’t be more inane:
Emo bands can always be counted on, too:
This Song Is A Mess And So Am I
I haven’t heard ‘em, so they may not be emo, but they’re kindred spirits regardless.
Assuming these guys predate the Meryl Streep film of the same name, they still stole their title from a recent, popular book. It all but begs the studio, publisher, and Prada to file cease-and-desist orders. After that, expect TDWP to change their name slightly, like Green Jell-O did with Green Jelly, or Ritalin Kids with Riddlin’ Kids. Maybe The Devil Wears Prahda?
They play jazz, but still have an emo-ish name.
You know who else can be counted on for bad names? Hardcore bands. One of the worst of all time—Gorilla Biscuits—even reunited for a tour this year. Their descendents:
They’re heavily influenced by GB, from their music to their name: Set Your Goals was the title of GB frontman Civ’s first album after the Biscuits. Even with that reference, it’s still a dumb name. “Now touring the motivational speakers’ circuit, Set Your Goals!”
“Of course we’re heavy—don’t you know our name is Silence The Foe?”
And don’t forget bad metal bands:
Sik Fuk
Stupid proper-name combinations:
It’s like an Us Weekly headline come to life!
And others:
They even boast they made the earlier list on their MySpace page.
Green Milk From The Planet Orange
The Axe That Chopped Down The Cherry Tree
BEST WORST BAND NAMES
Black-metal/grindcore/death-metal bands almost always have great names:
They’re a joke band, but that’s still a brutal name.
Bands whose names indicate issues with women:
They're women, but the name still counts.
Lyin’ Bitch & The Restraining Orders
When in doubt, use “fuck”:
Check! Out! Our! Name!:
Loooooooooong is good:
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza
America’s Meth Problem II
Bodies In The Gears Of The Apparatus
The Busiest Bankruptcy Lawyers In Minnesota
U.S. Pipe & The Balls Johnson Dance Machine
Underground Railroad To Candyland
They Will Use Your Bones For Tools
Dave Coulier & The Cut It Outs
Points for the goofy Full House reference, even though that show was terrible.
Mister And Misses Tribute To Ugliness
They misspell "missus," but whatever.
Said The Sun To The Girl
?????
Knife Knife Gun
Laser In The Jungle
Sexhawk
Simply funny:
Here Comes Old Vodka Tits
The Internet
Misc:
This sounds like a band started by Napoleon Dynamite—except it's a Bob Seger tribute band. Yikes.
Points for the Pee Wee’s Big Adventure reference.
So there you have it. Who knows what ’07 has in store for us? The list has already begun. The first entry?
The House That Gloria Vanderbilt. Ugh.
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