Hold the phone: so music superstar Toby Keith is the principal songwriter on his own album? That is worthy of a press release.

And that's his usual custom? All this time I figured Keith must have had help to deliver such beautiful, stately, succinct lyrics as "We'll put a boot in your ass/It's the American way." But as it turns out, those words, and hundreds more of their caliber, were thoughtfully penned by Keith himself. I can almost picture him hunched over a yellow legal pad, pencil in hand, scribbling furiously—just trying to get the intricate lyrics to "Who's Your Daddy?" from head to page as quickly as possible.

But how else is he taking self-reliance to a higher level?

You mean to tell me that Toby Keith sings? On his own album? I've heard of musicians playing guitar on their own albums, and being their own "song sources," and even producing their own songs. But I have never heard of a singer singing vocals on their own single. That's historic.

I'm not sure, but I think that may qualify him for induction into the Country Music Hall Of Fame (provided that one exists).

Wow. "Since the turn of the century," huh? It's hard to believe that one man, and all of his miscellanous, unnamed songs, could hold such a powerful sway over the music industry since the year 2000. That's seven whole years!

If your stomach is rumbling for a taste of "High Maintenance Woman," or if you're simply curious to hear what a honky-tonk version of "Uptown Girl" would sound like, you can go here. (But beware, you may find yourself so disoriented by the many stars, cowboy hats, and goateed scowls that you may accidentally buy a "hookin' up and hangin' out" mouse pad).

Here are some sample lyrics (that Keith totally sings all of!):

Notice how he's playing with language there. See, he's a janitor (or "maintenance man") at an apartment complex, and the resident he's stalking is a fancy (or "high-maintenance") woman.

But the wordplay doesn't stop there:

Janitorial work makes for the most disgusting (and most confusing) innuendo. What, exactly, does he mean by her "washer and dryer"?

The only way this could have been worse is if Keith had somehow incorporated the phrase "pour Drano down your sink" into a verse about their wedding night.