Humanity has made so many advances over the millennia that comparing their respective merits seems futile. Really, who could settle an argument pitting the wheel vs. the computer? (Besides weirdo philosophy majors with a lot of free time, that is.) The A.V. Club won't argue for either, because neither compares to The Simpsons. The long-running Fox show about an unstable American family—which makes the jump to the big screen July 24—isn't just the finest television show of its era. it's better than everything else, ever. And for proof, we had to look no further than the show itself.
The Simpsons Vs. Public Education
Opponent's advantage: Provides free education to every kid in America, whether they want it or not.
But The Simpsons… consistently portrays the public-education system as a mind-numbing exercise in futility, with lazy teachers and administrators relying on standardized exams such as the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT) and sweet, sweet teachers' editions to mold the young minds of Springfield.
Representative quote: "That's two independent-thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are overstimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms." —Principal Skinner
The Simpsons Vs. Sex
Opponent's advantage: Feels good, perpetuates the species, brings couples closer together.
But The Simpsons… has insightfully satirized sex's influence on Western culture, particularly how it's repackaged to sell consumer goods and services. And hey, the 22-minute episodes last longer than most couples' intercourse.
Representative quote: "Marge, there's just too much pressure—what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex." —Homer, avoiding Marge's come-ons
The Simpsons Vs. World Travel
Opponent's advantage: Experiencing other cultures firsthand helps broaden understanding of how our human similarities outweigh our differences.
But The Simpsons… proves that visits to Brazil, London, Tokyo, and anywhere else on the map can only end in destruction, embarrassment, and possible military extraction.Representative quote: "Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense," according to the U.S. Undersecretary Of State For International Protocol (Brat And Punk Division), regarding the corporal punishment slated for Bart's after his Australia hijinks
The Simpsons Vs. Organized Religion
Opponent's advantage: Gives masses something to believe in, thus preventing total anarchy. Promotes helpful social contracts.
But The Simpsons… holds belief in higher powers up to the magnifying glass of shameful truth, proving it's used as a tonic rather than a cure. Boobish neighbor Ned Flanders, representing everything boring and ridiculous about blind faith, even recognizes the futility: "I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"
Representative quote: "Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same." —Reverend Lovejoy, exasperated by Flanders
The Simpsons Vs. Fine Art
Opponent's advantage: Supplies society with beauty, insight, and snobbery.
But The Simpsons… generally considers fine art above the heads of the plebian Springfieldian public. (A sign in the local art gallery reminds, "No shirt, no shoes, no chardonnay.") The exceptions are always-erudite Lisa and former art student/Ringo Starr portraitist Marge. Homer also dabbled in "outsider art," taunting Jasper Johns and flooding Springfield's streets in a Christo-like stunt.
Representative quote: "Is it a masterpiece, or just some guy with his pants down?" —Kent Brockman, about Michelangelo's David
The Simpsons Vs. Health Care
Opponent's advantage: Keeps us alive, has access to all the best drugs.
But The Simpsons… forces Springfield's sickos to choose between corruption or incompetence: either Dr. Julius Hibbert, the pamphlet-toting, "wowwy-pop"-prescribing head of an HMO (that's "Hibbert's Moneymaking Organization"), or Dr. Nick "Hi, Everybody" Riviera, a graduate of Club Med School who will perform any procedure for only $129.95.
Representative quote: "The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy! Well, see you in the operating place!" —Dr. Nick Riviera
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