Kids: What are you going to do? Ignore them, and they make noise and attract the attention of the authorities. Give in to their every demand, and you'll be in the poorhouse before long. Fortunately, most kids are easily distracted and entertained by just about any crap you throw their way. As we do every year, The A.V. Club has scoured the bargain bins of some of our nation's less-reputable toy stores to provide you with some tips on this year's most thoughtless gift options.
Spy Gear Message Launcher ($5.98, marked down from $13.98)
Given that the purpose of this item is to transmit secret messages—written on tiny paper, which comes included—it's a high-profile failure on par with the stealth bomber. After scribbling a note (try something like "Assassinate the prime minister, stat!" or "Meet me by the Wii!"), the user loads it into a color-coded foam dart (glow-in-the-dark means "extreme warning!"), then launches it with zero accuracy. Naturally, a better use for this item would be the firing of more dangerous projectiles, though the instructions specifically prohibit that action. This "authentic" item is for spy use only, and apparently spies don't use weapons.
Pirates Of The Caribbean Motorized Prison Escape Jack Sparrow In Escape Coffin With Leg Bone Paddle ($2.48, from $9.98)
The title pretty much says it all, doesn't it? This toy apparently ties directly to a scene in Dead Man's Chest in which a tiny plastic Johnny Depp with scary snakes for hair and some sort of Native American headband pops out of a motorized wooden coffin with wheels, and sits bolt upright, frozen, until he's free. The wee boat-coffin (a horrible shade of grey) might make for a fun afternoon with a cat—it pops open, revealing Cap'n Jack, when it hits something, then drives around aimlessly, turning when it hits a wall. It's slightly hypnotizing, and for that alone, it might be worth $2.47.
First Fitness Lil' Dragon Karate ($6.98, from $14.99)
"Hey America!" this product seems to scream, "Your children are fat and lazy, and they can't figure out how to exercise on their own!" What better way to fool L'il Chubber than with a colorful plastic mat that looks like a video game? If they can get past the poisonous smell of the plastic, kids can learn—from a series of still drawings—some fightin' moves. But more important than that, they can learn how to turn a regular foot into a gigantic foot. Look at that kid's hoof! It's a monster.
Delicious Can ($.33)
The ol' snake-in-the-can is part of a grand tradition of humor—they say laughter is born of surprise, and when you're expecting salted nuts and are instead greeted by a popping spring-snake, you can't help but guffaw. (If you're, y'know, 60-plus.) But there's something very, very special about "Delicious Can," a Chinese version of the trick that doesn't exactly get the concept. The outside is decorated with the words "Special Fresh"! and photos of various fruits—none of which would easily fit inside a two-ounce can, nor probably come with a pink lid. But the real joy is inside: In length and girth, the fake snake is, umm, penis-sized and shaped. And the head is pink plastic. And it features a sort-of smiling face. And while the can is open, the snake remains firmly upright.
Clingy Darts ($.88)
Most magnetic-dart games provide a metal target for the projectiles to stick to, but this package is darts-only, because as the name implies, these aren't your typical darts. These are the kind of Styrofoam, magnet-tipped darts that greet you at the door, ask you about your day, and wonder aloud whether you need to go out with your friends tonight. "It would be so nice if you could stay home," they say. "We never talk any more. Please, we don't have a target, you're all we've got. Why are you being so hurtful?"
Lite-Up Sword With Battery ($.88)
The package touts this luminescent mini-weapon's "flexible glow action blade," which just means that if you jab it at your enemies, the paper-thin plastic will bow against their bellies, then most likely snap in two. The real attraction to this toy is the battery, which is featured just as prominently on the front of the box as the sword, and rests at the same dynamic angle. Oh, the hours of fun you'll have with this battery. First, of course, you'll power up your sword and wave it around in a darkened room for a minute or two. Then, months later, when the batteries go dead in your Discman or your remote control, you'll frantically search for the sword in order to pillage it for parts. Just like the warriors of old.
Chef Mario's Dining Disasters: Stretchghetti & Critters ($1)
So how exactly does a tiny dish filled with rubbery fake spaghetti and little plastic rats and roaches constitute a "toy?" How do you play with it, exactly? Do you ditch the "critters" and fling the "stretchghetti" around? Re-enact scenes from Ratatouille? And what should we make of the package's warning: "Do not leave stretchghetti on wood, fabric or other porous materials?" What alien civilization has foisted this abomination upon us, and how are they going to use it to control our young? One thing's for sure: Chef Mario's bound to lose a Michelin star over this.
Princess Shapes/Princess Colors Fun Books ($.97 each)
The craze for all things princess-y reaches the toddler set with these two board books that introduce simple words and colors via concepts that little princesses can understand. "Blue," like a ball gown. "Purple," like a dragon. "Oval," like a magic mirror. "Rectangle," like a… like a picture frame containing a portrait of a teddy bear wearing a cape and a crown. Man, being a princess is complicated.
Magic Beast Growing/Magic Grow Towelettes/Instant Playtime Bears ($1 each)
The progress of "expands when moistened" toy technology continues unabated. First up, the "Magic Beast Growing," which requires children to submerge a plastic cage in a glass of water so that the miniscule creature within can, in about three days' time, become a big, soggy creature. Next, the "Magic Grow Towelettes," which expand from a 1-inch disc to a 1-foot cloth—for those who have sticky fingers and don't mind waiting 10 minutes or so to wipe them off. Lastly, the makers of last year's Cheap Toy Roundup favorite "Instant Circus" have created another set of capsules that explode into shaped sponges. The "Instant Playtime Bears" set features such whimsical shapes as "Bear On A Unicycle" and "Bear With Saxophone." Sadly, there's no sponge that replicates the image of the front of the package: "Bear Making Violent Love To Capsule Man."
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