Yesterday's NY Post had an article that could, seriously, ruin Sex & The City: The Movie for you. It contained information about the characters and the plot and the clothes and the hilarious reactions of characters with Alzheimer's that is so spoilery, I considered hiring skywriters to fly over any place that has the Internet and trace the message "SPOILER ALERT! Do NOT read the NY POST if you care about SATC: THE MOVIE!!!" in the sky just as a warning to my fellow moviegoers. This information is so earth-shattering, so ruinous, it will drain whatever small pleasure you may have gotten from watching four, slightly older friends navigate their lives and their shoes together in New York City on the big screen. If you care at all about Sex & The City: The Movie you will not read any further. It goes without saying, but Spoiler Alert x Infinity past this point.

Ok, ready? Here's what the article revealed: Sex And The City: The Movie is based on a TV show of the same name (who knew?) and, as it turns out, the movie is exactly like the TV show but, you know, bigger.

I told you it was spoilery.

From the NY Post:

Spoiler alert! Continuing to read this exclusive story will tell you far more about the new movie than has been reported anywhere else. Really. If you want your first viewing of the "Sex and the City" movie to be pristine, we strongly suggest you stop here.

"Everything is bigger," says an insider familiar with the production. "There's more extras, there's more locations and the locations are more fabulous, if that's possible. And on and on and on."

Holy shit! You mean it's on a larger scale than the TV show? I wish there was a word for "bigger production than a TV show." The term "movie" comes to mind.

But the exclusives don't stop there. The Post also revealed that the movie will take place in New York City (whereas the TV show took place in Epcot Center), that the girls will drink Cosmos (if you'll recall, in the TV show they only imbibed Orangina & Skyy Vodka cocktails), that the costumes will be very fashion-y and over-the-top (in the TV show, the girls all wore Jaclyn Smith for K-Mart) and that the characters will retain the same names they had in the TV show.

Then there's this:

But that's not all. Everything is gigantic...

And there's a big plot, The Post hears. Carrie and Big (Chris Noth) get engaged, Samantha (Kim Cattrall) has moved to an LA beach house, Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Harry (Evan Handler) get pregnant, and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Steve (David Eigenberg) grapple with infidelity.

It looks like someone at the Post has been "talking" to the trailer for the movie, because all of those plot points are made plain in the trailer. I didn't realize that watching a movie preview counts as an exclusive, but that's good to know.

I can't wait for the Post to give me all the spoilery dirt on other movies and/or TV shows. I'd love to hear some of the Post's spoilers about The Tudors, like, Anne Boleyn eventually has her head chopped off, King Henry VIII is king of England, and lots of people have sex.

Still, the article does contain one hilarious tidbit from the script:

One particularly moving scene occurs, we've learned, when Miranda breaks the news of her issues with Steve to his dementia-stricken mother. As fans saw in the series finale in 2004, this relationship was one of the few things that brought out a tender side in the career-driven corporate lawyer.

When she tries to explain the situation, his mother (Anne Meara) apparently asks, "Who's Steve?"

I hope this is a recurring theme in the movie: Everyone constantly confiding in Steve's mom only to have her sum up their problems with a poignant, "Who are you?" "What's Mr. Big?" "Who the hell is Manolo Blahnik?" "Samantha? I thought she died." "Stop this voiceover! I can't hear myself think." "Why do I care what happened at brunch?" After all, Sex & The City is definitely better filtered through dementia.