Bravo on recommending that FS and WILLIE leave their spouses! As a man just exiting a nigh-sexless marriage, who spent YEARS trying to spice things up, I have to offer my own observation: There is very likely further emotional abuse in those relationships. My wife and I had a very unhealthy marriage, and I suspect her lack of libido (which wasn't why I left) was just a symptom of her underlying feelings for me (which were why I left). Frankly, it was probably far easier for FS and WILLIE to write to you, Dan, complaining about the lack of sex, than it would be for them to come to grips with the other abuses their spouses heap upon them. Controlling their actions, demanding unreasonable amounts of attention, criticizing their "failures" ("Why the hell can't you learn to fold a towel right?"), and badmouthing their friends and family are all possible methods the abuser is using to replace the intimacy normally fostered by a healthy sex life.
They need to get out NOW. Call friends, call family, and ask for help. Chances are, they'll be so glad to hear from them, they'll bend over backward to bail FS and WILLIE out!
Missed Out Too Long
I would like to respond to WILLIE and all men who find themselves in the same position as he. As a married woman who is in a similar position as WILLIE's wife (minus the kid), I am infuriated at the way many men seem to think. WILLIE, let me enlighten you, she may love you, but she doesn't want you anymore. Women need/want sex just as much as men do, but you men get lazy, and that is when we women get bored. Just because you are married doesn't give you men the right to get off and get out. You say when you can get her in the mood, it is dull—ever think it is because you can't hang? You say it lasts for only 15 minutes—she would probably prefer less time with your sweaty, stinking body on her, since she doesn't want you to begin with. And let's not forget, the poor woman is a mother. It doesn't matter if she is a housewife or a working partner—do you have ANY FUCKING CLUE as to how tired she probably is at the end of the day? She doesn't need to spend her last ounce of energy on a selfish, less-than-achieving husband.
Men seem to think that because you get married, you have the right to fuck your wife whenever you please. Guess what, she is not a piece of meat. Your wife, WILLIE, probably complains that you treat her like an "object" because you do. Most likely, you only touch your wife (even just a hug) when you are horny. As a result, every time you enter the room, she feels your hot, stinking, horny breath on her, and she wants to gag. The only reason why she probably fucks you in the end is to shut your whining, baby, "I need to get my rock off" mouth. You have two choices, either 1) shut the fuck up and deal with your "good lady" by sticking your most-likely smaller-than-average dick in your pants and not embarrassing her (or for that matter, endangering her) by fucking some cock-sucking whore on the side, or 2) get the fuck out. Set yourself free and your wife as well. As far as the kid goes, if you separate, she will probably get custody, so you should think about that before you give it up. If you want to try to work it out, then find a different approach. NO woman wants to FUCK a whining baby. So be a man about it all. Find a different time in the day, listen to her if she is talking to you, take it all in, and change. And lastly, if your dick is better than average, then learn how to use it, your tongue, and your mind to make her happier, because in the end, if she is happy, you will be too.
Boo Fucking Hoo
I am one of those people who got married, had children, and stopped wanting to have sex. My husband cheated on me, and I found out about it. We went to counseling together. We both didn't want to break up our family. We decided we wanted to stay together and make things work. After about a year of counseling, I met a man who I enjoyed being with more than my husband. This guy was interested in me! He listened to me and laughed at my stupid jokes. He said and did things that made me feel good. We eventually started to have sex. Wonderful sex! Lots of great sex! I think it's the best sex I have ever had. Here I thought I wasn't sexual. I thought there might be something wrong with me. Even questioned my sexual orientation.
Well, my husband and I are separated. We live near each other. The kids see both of us basically every day. Life this way is not always easy. Sometimes I still feel jealous if I know my husband is seeing someone. But for the most part, I think it is working for all of us.
Got My Groove Back
Hmm… My husband brought home the recent letters from WILLIE and FS regarding no-sex marriages. I instantly recognized myself in the sex-withholder category. In defense of myself (and fellow sistas), I need to speak out: There are lots of reasons why sex is more infrequent (okay, a lot more infrequent) in some marriages, especially those with young kids. First and foremost, parents—and really, it is mostly moms—of small children are exhausted, particularly if you stay home with said brood. By the time my head hits the pillow at night, all I want to do is sleep. Conversely, in the morning, all I want to do is stay in bed (sleeping) as long as possible. If there is more sex wanted or needed by one partner, perhaps that partner can take stock of their contributions to the household and see if there are things they could do to alleviate the load on the other parent. No, I'm not talking bringing home flowers, but fold some laundry? Vacuum? You'd be surprised how far little things like that can get you. In addition, until you have given up your budding career to stay home and raise your little darlings, you cannot grasp how emotionally draining it is. I've been on both sides of this equation, and trust me, going to work is a lot easier. At least you can pee by yourself, whenever you want, without being interrupted. After a while, the constant demand takes its toll, and you just want to be left alone whenever you have the chance.
I still like sex, or least I hope I do. I don't want to live out my life without sex, but I also see this as a phase that I hope will pass.
Not A Frigid Cow
Lately Licked Lesbo
When I read your response to WILLIE and FS in a recent article about sexless marriages, I was thoroughly disgusted. I too am in a sexless marriage, and for the most part only have the faintest idea why. I have a very sexy, supportive husband who loves me and I love him. However, I do not enjoy or want to have sex with him, and the only thing I can possibly come up with is that when I pushed out two kids and gained 40 lbs. that the libido switch was turned off along with me feeling sexy. I'm doing something about it: I now go to the gym. But for you to even suggest that I am emotionally abusing my husband is bullshit, as I don't threaten him with sex! I don't say, "If you bathe the kids, I'll have sex," "If you do the dishes, I'll have sex." You know what was emotional abuse? Him handing me your article is emotional abuse on his part! You dare to suggest he move on or cheat with someone without any remorse? Unless you have any real advice to the men and women with low sex drives and what may be causing it, then keep your destructive, cheating, home-wrecking opinions to yourself. Unless you've pushed out two kids and have gained 40 "sexy" pounds, then you ain't got no opinion for me!
Pissed At Dan
As we both do every week, my husband read last week's column out loud to me, but he has yet to apologize to me, his unmilked cow. Nor has he informed me that he will turn a blind eye if I do him "the courtesy of being milked discretely elsewhere."
Like WILLIE and FS, I am the spouse of a "great" person, who would prefer not to have sex with me. I so wish that 10 years ago I had received the advice you gave in that same column to BONED: "Get out while the getting out is good."
As your line of work has no doubt forced you time and again to face the inscrutable mystery of people staying in abusive relationships, I won't bore you by trying to justify my choice not to free myself. My body is now trying to end my emotional suffering by the only means available to it—illness. This is literally killing me. I believe it is the puzzle of the "emotional violence," as you put it, that has trapped me. If I could understand my husband, I think I could restructure my relationship to him in a way that would end this pain.
When I bring up the subject of his continual rejection of me sexually, my husband insists he is attracted to me. He claims that his sexual orientation is straight and that his libido is "normal." He tells me he masturbates "all the time." Of course, I have wondered if my husband is simply lying to me. Perhaps he is only truly aroused by something that I am not and can never be: a man, a child, a wildebeest, or perhaps most painful of all, a different kind of woman. When my husband does make love to me, though, he is generous, if not adventurous. His erection is strong and very long-lasting. He achieves orgasm and seems to enjoy himself immensely. And then, it seems, he never needs to do THAT again! And if it weren't for my threats and ultimatums, he probably never would. I love him and want to renounce sex for him, but can't.
Beyond sex, my husband and I are good to each other. Though he is not affectionate, he demonstrates that he loves and supports me by cooking lovely meals, listening to me, and other actions big and small. I really need to know why he loves me but doesn't want me sexually. And why he can love me and not want me to be happy. I've done everything I can think of to encourage a healthy sex life with this man. We are both good-looking, in great shape, have good jobs, and wonderful friendships. He has had a vasectomy, so pregnancy is not a concern. We sought counseling. Once, I decided to try not touching him for a whole day. It did not have the desired effect, so I experimented by not touching him the next day either.
After two months of not touching my husband, nor being touched by him, I asked him if he was aware that we had not touched, even a hand to a shoulder in passing, in over eight weeks. He hadn't noticed.
On behalf of all unmilked cows (and in the interest of abating our drain on the Canadian medical system), could you please ask people who have bought cows with no intention of milking them to write you with their reasons? Actually, now that I read what I've just written, I have to say that if you print this letter and my husband reads it, he would never write you with his reasons for not wanting to make love to me. He may not feel the slightest twinge of recognition. The only reason for printing my letter may be so that other good-looking, loving, and successful unmilked cows can know they are not alone, but will remain lonely as long as they wait in vain to discover why their partners do not want to have sex with them. Thank you.
Sad Cow
DAN HERE: Holy shit, SC, your letter absolutely broke my fucking heart. I hope your husband recognizes himself, and makes some sort of amends—like, say, giving you his blessing to go elsewhere and apologizing for the emotional violence.
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