SASA wasn't assaulted or raped. Adults are responsible for the boundaries of their consent, and SASA put very few limits upon what he was willing to do. My Spidey sense was tingling at the thought of entering, not once, but twice, an unfamiliar, darkened apartment that belonged to persons unknown. (Yikes! Run!) Once inside, SASA lies down there to take his fellatio quite submissively in the dark from a stranger, gender and age unknown. Then, while he's making movies in that shite between his ears (in a pathetic attempt at orgasm—I agree that it's still all about his unsheathed dick, and no one else, let alone any eye for the potential danger to anyone else in the room), SASA is mounted and inserted into what he agreed to online: an asshole. Literally and figuratively. Finally, he begins to worry ABOUT HIS OWN PROTECTION and stops all the action, leaving, unfettered.
SASA literally withdrew his cock and his consent right then and there, not a moment before. No meant NO. When SASA expressed it, this sad encounter immediately stopped.
Dan, I do not see rape or criminal sexual assault in these facts, because SASA was a willing penetrator/perp orally for certain. As to the anal sex, he arguably signed up for the tail at the beginning of his tale (offer, acceptance, performance—it's damn near a contract as well). Here, we have consent coupled (ahem) with clear evidence of intent from the alleged victim.
However, all this legal analysis just leaves me cold, wondering about SASA, the other perp, and whether SASA should just go make a police report aside from legal considerations and outcome. I say this only because on the one hand, maybe this is an Internet predator who needs a warning shot across his/her bow. The creep may warrant a warning in the form of a visit from the local authorities before someone does get raped, assaulted, killed, or HIV. Just one simple act of protection by the police, as it were. (By the way, what are the jurisdiction's laws regarding the knowing, undisclosed transmission of HIV where SASA lives?)
On the other hand, we live in a fickle world, Dan, and the cops may well point that cannon at SASA as well. What was the age of the other participant? Why couldn't he/she go to a bar? Those ramifications could be quite serious for SASA. We all possess a constitutional right to act stupid in this country, although it does not always rise to the level of criminal behavior. SASA exercised his constitutional right and might actually learn something from it: Responsibility to himself and responsibility for others' welfare in light of his desires and behavior. The golden rule.
Another Lawyer Languishing In The Heartland
I am a practicing criminal defense attorney in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I have handled many cases, including attempted rape cases.
SASA has a very difficult decision to make—is he willing to put himself up to the agonizing ridicule, the consistent attacks, and the humiliation of going on the stand in a criminal rape/sexual-assault case? Never kid yourself—the victim is just as much on trial as the alleged assailant in a rape case. Period. It's not fair, it's not unfair. It's the way it is. The victim is judged by the jury, by the prosecutor, the media, the lawyers, and anyone else associated with this type of case. Even his own family. Can SASA stand the mortifying intensity of having his decisions (good and bad) put under that kind of microscope? Only he can answer that question. Here is a glimpse of what he is up against:
The guy who attracted SASA to the "dark apartment" is going to claim any or all of the following:
• That he met SASA on the Internet and both stated explicitly that they were either gay or bi-curious;
• That the victim said he had never done this before and was very shy;
• That they agreed to meet at the assailant's apartment;
• That the victim had a fantasy he always wanted fulfilled regarding dungeons or mystery screwing or something in that light;
• That the victim was very willing at first, but then got cold feet and took off;
• That the victim CALLED THE ASSAILANT BACK and stated that he was still willing to go through with it (and hence came back a second time);
• That the victim and assailant spoke several times that evening;
• That when the victim returned, he got naked of his own accord and they began sexual intercourse;
• The assailant can claim that they either reached climax or that they stopped when the victim asked him to stop. Either way, that's not rape.
• That the victim left, THEN CALLED HIM AGAIN.
All of the above, unfortunately, can be corroborated, either in whole or in part, by SASA (with the exception of the bi-curious allegation).
SASA will claim that he thought the man was a lady. But the assailant has so many things going for him that it's an uphill battle for SASA to even prove this. I see nothing but bad things here for SASA. The fight would be hard and, I suspect, unfulfilling.
Reality-Check Attorney
First let me say, as a Public Health Nurse who works with trauma victims, I wholeheartedly support your advice for SASA to stay in therapy. Victimization of this kind can leave lasting and debilitating emotional scars. It's important for SASA to deal with this incident in a safe and healthy way so he can hopefully go on with his life. As far as pressing assault charges, the first instinct is to say "Yes! Certainly! This man should be punished!" However, this may not be the best way for SASA to seek closure. While I believe more men should come forward after sexual assaults, it is not always easy to get a conviction on such a charge. The victims in such circumstances are often subject to a further victimization at the hands of the justice system that is worse than the original assault. I believe SASA should consult with police and an attorney to assess the viability of such a charge. If anything, he should provide information about this person's online activities to police so they can perhaps prevent future assaults. SASA needs to examine, with his psychiatrist, the best and healthiest way for him to close this chapter of his life.
Meaghan Turner, RN, BScN, BA
Public Health Nurse
