To SASA: I'm not a rape counselor, lawyer, cop, or anyone with a degree in anything useful. I'm just a rape victim. Listen, only you can answer the important questions in this situation.
1) Was it rape? If you think it was rape, if you feel/believe you were violated, then it was. You have to trust that.
2) Should you press charges? To answer this question, you have to answer the most important question of all:
3) What is BEST for YOU? People get caught up in a lot of nonsense about doing the right thing or getting revenge or seeking justice or just not drawing any attention to themselves. You need to take care of yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. And trust me, pressing charges is a whole other ordeal. Our justice system is not there to serve justice to the victim. If 12 average people can relate to your situation and worry it would happen to them, then justice is served. If 12 average people can't, then you will be told it's your fault. And that's if you even make it to trial.
And are you prepared to recount the whole incident five, six, 10 times to various officers, hospital workers, lawyers, etc. minute by minute? And if you manage to keep a smidge of dignity intact, can you deal with being told repeatedly how YOU are to BLAME? The rape victim always gets blamed. And in your situation, you're going to hear crap like "I didn't think a man could be raped," and a lot worse.
JXJ
You're probably going to get lots of e-mail from survivors, counselors, and who knows who else advising SASA to run screaming to the cops and whoever else will listen about his traumatic sexual assault. I hope not—but just in case, as a rape survivor, I wanted to throw my two cents on the table.
SASA voluntarily (that is, consensually) walked into a freaky-ass sexual situation with someone he didn't know. He also voluntarily walked out of it as soon as he became uncomfortable, which is key—he was by no means powerless. He should take responsibility for his actions and not blame the person who said "I want to meet you under bizarre circumstances and have oral and anal sex with you while wearing a towel on my head in the dark" for doing exactly what she/he (to mimic SASA) said she/he would. I'm not condoning the mystery person's behavior, but SASA's finger is pointing the wrong way as he plays the blame game.
Hopefully lots and LOTS of people will point out the fact that the word "assault" would never occur to SASA if he knew he'd found himself in a woman's ass, not a man's.
Obligatory note to those meeting people online (or anywhere) for the first time: Don't go to a stranger's home. Ever. Especially twice, SASA.
Survivor Calling Out Ridiculous Non-responsibility
I can't believe you let this guy off so lightly. C'mon, now; he's getting a blowjob, and all of a sudden he's up to his balls in ass? Golly, how'd that happen! I admit that a well-trained and well-lubed ass may be able to swallow a penis in no time flat, but even if our presumed pervert went to all that trouble, it'd be quite a feat to pull off that maneuver without the erstwhile suckee wondering what all the fuss is about. And what about the other odd details of his story? A towel covering the face? Seriously, WTF?
You know, it's a thousand times more likely that SASA had a completely consensual homosexual experience, and is now going apeshit about it. His fear of HIV/AIDS may be real, but his long, elaborate, I'm-dumb-as-shit-but-I'm-still-a-victim story is a lie.
Cunning Lies I'm Told Of Ruinous Incidents Suck
"Scared And Seeking Advice" claiming rape would be considered a nuisance case. He admits he freely went into a strange and dark apartment, stripped down naked, and went into the bedroom for the purpose of having anonymous sex. He allowed a person with a concealed face to go down on him and was trying to climax. When the person repositioned him/herself (while he was "not paying attention to her") you and I both know SASA thought he was about to have unprotected vaginal sex and didn't care. But because it turned out to be anal sex, and it turned out to be a "he," then it suddenly becomes a RAPE?! I think even John Roberts would say, "Give me a break!"
Philly Buster
In response to SASA's letter, I do have some advice/concerns. I'm in the much-maligned HIV/STD field (I remember from a past column how much you LOOOOOOVE us), but I have some guidance here.
(1) A normal psychological reaction (especially in the wake of fear) is for individuals to completely minimize exposure. So I'm somewhat skeptical of the "30 seconds" your dick spent inside of... well... somebody's ass. It was probably longer, and that means that the risk of HIV is still there. DEFINITELY get tested again in three and six months.
(2) People get all flustered by the big "H" that they forget about all the other diseases out there. DEFINITELY get checked for syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia. Those three are runnin' rampant in various parts of the U.S.
(3) While LEGALLY there's probably a case for lack of consent, unless local law distinguishes, you don't have to give "piecemeal" consent. Going to somebody's house for sex is consenting for sex. If it got taken a step further (you thought oral and it became anal), you still gave initial consent for sex. Basically, I'm saying while you COULD build a case, you are more likely to be laughed out of numerous precincts, law offices, and other orgs before somebody finally takes this seriously. Why? Well because...
(4) You really, really, really fucked up. Really. There are so many "horror movie get the fuck out" moments in that story that most municipal people will look at you and say, "Uhm, didn't you realize SOMETHING was shady here?" If you manage to get out of it without an STD, I'd suggest thanking whatever deity you believe in and moving on. What happened is wrong, but there's so much culpability here that finding mitigating circumstances would be hard.
Steven
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