Thank you so much for running SASA's letter last week. It came to mind today as I entered a similarly darkened room in my neighborhood. The "woman" who had placed an ad in the local escort pages removed her robe by candlelight, and had the same long, dark hair and nice C-cup breasts as her pics. But when we started touching and getting close to each other, something about her muscle tone set off a warning. I moved my hand in to check her true gender. When she repeatedly moved my hand away, I looked at her straight in the eyes, and opened myself to the truth. Her facial structure could easily be a man's. I got myself up and out of there, and was able to get half my $500 back. "Her" parting comment was, "Are you sure you're looking for a woman? The way you look, I think you really want a man."
I feel for SASA, and thanks to him and to you, I learned something from his experience. Sign me,
Close Call
I had an experience almost like SASA had a few years ago.
A friend and I went to meet these two "women" that we met from a chat line. We got there and the house was dark. One of them was talking to us in the living room while the other was "getting ready." I felt a strange vibe almost immediately, but couldn't communicate anything to my friend in front of "her." To make a long story short, we were there for about five minutes before the one that had been talking to us left the apartment for some reason. The one that was getting dressed cracked a door and poked his/her face out and asked for a cigarette. I got up to bring the cig and that's when I noticed something not quite right with her face. After giving the cigarette to her, she closed the door and I turned back to my friend and said something like, "Lets get the hell outta here! That was a fuckin' man!" We left immediately and ran down the stairs of their building.
About a year later, I saw the first "female" on the front page of a local newspaper. The story read something like "Transgender man rapes teen." It was pretty big news around Boston for months.
Not Important
When I read SASA's story I was stunned and I could relate. The "victim" of this tale is a 21-year-old straight male who was manipulated into a sexual rendezvous with a dangerously adventurous, presumably gay man disguising himself as a woman to seek the sexual charms of a straight guy. The person I relate to in this bizarre story is the deceptive gay man. For the last 10 years, I have struggled through this pathetic and dark world of lies and manipulative mischief. At the age of 24, I was horny but had no money, was busy in school, and had no sexual outlet at the time. Emotionally, I thought I was in a good state of mind. WRONG!
Playfully, I called some phone-chat personal ads. The gay ones cost money and I could not afford them, and I was also aware that my high, feminine voice would not be in high demand on any gay phone-sex line. I noticed that in the straight chat lines, the men also had to pay—however, the women did not. As a joke, I decided to call the straight chat line just to see if I could fool anyone. I could. Some men knew what I was up to and loudly voiced their disgust. However, most men were easily fooled. What started out as harmless fun has turned into an ugly mess that has put my life in danger numerous times and made me an emotional mess.
I began spending almost all my free time on the phone, sacrificing any hope for a quality romantic relationship, only to waste time wallowing in the obscene attentions of all these strange men. For the first time in my life, I felt men were listening to me. It was all lies, but they were listening.
Here is where I start to sing the blues. My childhood was not good (I know, boo hoo). A quick summation: I am the only child of a white, schizophrenic mother and was abandoned at birth by my black father. At the age of 8, I basically became my mother's caregiver. I was also a pretty little gay boy. When men or boys did pay attention to me, it was always negative. To this day, I can't remember one instance of a man saying or doing anything for me that was kind. The phone-chat line in its twisted way has proved to be the catalyst in giving me the awakening I needed. I learned that I hated men, specifically straight men. The chat line progressed over the years from simply providing phone sex to arranging to meet guys in public places just so I could watch them waiting for "her," which of course was me. It has most recently progressed to having these strangers come into my apartment for oral and even anal sex in the dark because I was too "shy" to be seen with the lights on.
I have had hundreds of sexual experiences with these men in the last 10 years. Some have been bisexual; however, I am sure most have been straight. I've been with some men who are incredibly handsome and some physically repulsive. In the heat of the moment, looks did not matter much to me. I have had men who have figured out what was going on during the sex act and have freaked and stormed away, too shocked to respond. Only once have I been sexually and physically assaulted. In that terrifying moment, my misery, shame, and pain was so great that I did not really care if I died. I think most men whom I've been with have not been violent simply because they were so stunned that any gay man would do anything so obviously dangerous.
I know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I am sure there are many factors that contribute to gay men behaving the way I have. One theory is that effeminate gay men simply are not desired in the gay community. The majority of gay men want muscles and masculinity, not petite and sweet. Some gay men are more turned off by effeminacy than obesity! The places where effeminate men can attract the attentions of horny masculine men are places where they can get away with being women in disguise (Internet and chat lines).
To the 21-year-old who was so traumatized by his experience, please, if you can, accept my apologies. However, Dan, I disagree with you in saying that we who commit such acts are "extraordinarily evil faggots." There is a sad, dark undercurrent to why we do these things, and at this time, society is not yet able to face this. I hope my story helps in explaining part of it. We are deeply troubled, living in a world that hates not gay men as much as effeminate gay men. As sexual outcasts without visibility to our problem, we are alone in our pain. I know your readers probably want me to simply climb down from my cross and get over it, but for an effeminate gay man to go through life being the object of ridicule since birth to simply shrug it off and get over it is not realistic. Believe me, it is a slow process to learn to love, forgive, and respect men as an adult when as a child they displayed only hatred to me. It has not been an easy life. This is only part of my story. I no longer believe it is so unique.
The Voice In The Dark
I couldn't track anything down about that story online, but it sounded very much like a first-person version of an urban legend. I mean, come on, it's a cautionary tale of the first order, you said so yourself. The only part missing was that the dude didn't get AIDS, which he likely would have in an urban legend. Just a thought.
Folklore University
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