Surviving the zombie apocalypse
6 tips for staying alive when the undead come a-callin'
Night Of The Living Dead
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If Hollywood has taught America anything, it’s that the zombie apocalypse is inevitable. Whether it’s due to radiation emitted by an outer-space probe, scientific experimentation gone awry, or a simple matter of hell being too full, humanity will one day find itself in a life-or-death struggle against the flesh-hungry, re-animated corpses of the recently deceased. So board up your windows and deal with it, people. Yet, dating all the way back to George A. Romero’s 1968 classic Night Of The Living Dead, the protagonists of zombie films have had a difficult time handling the undead menace, often falling victim to ill-timed, psychological breakdowns and poor decision making—the result of which usually involves a character watching his or her own entrails being devoured by a horde of cannibalistic zombies. In celebration of tonight's screening of Danny Boyle’s 2002 horror flick 28 Days Later—which, to be fair, features not zombies but “rage”-infected humanoids (who otherwise exhibit typical living-dead-like behavior and create a similar apocalyptic scenario)—at AFI Silver Theatre And Cultural Center, The A.V. Club presents this list of the top rookie mistakes to be avoided in the case of an undead outbreak.
Don’t leave the security of a properly barricaded safe house
You didn’t spend all that time ripping apart your furniture and boarding up every conceivable entrance to your home only to bolt at the first mention of other survivors who are possibly holed up someplace else, did you? No, you didn’t. Once you’ve got all the doors and windows secured, sit tight. The only good reasons to ever leave your safe house are a) you’re out of food and/or water, b) an uncontainable security breach, or c) your house is on fire (and you’d rather be eaten alive than burned alive). That means absolutely no venturing out in search of friends, family, or loved ones. If they’re that damn important, they’ll come to you.
Water is the key to life
While trigger-happy gun nuts are bum-rushing the local hunting shop in the misguided attempt to arm themselves to the teeth, you should be gathering as much water as possible. Assuming your home is properly secured, you could be there for a while—and a dwindling water supply is the No. 1 reason why future zombie meals make the mistake of leaving their safe houses. It’s only a matter of time before the water plants shut down, so take a few minutes to fill every conceivable container (preferably closable ones to avoid water stagnation) available so that you have all the water you’ll need to ride out the epidemic.
Better know a zombie
There may be a few pan-zombie truisms, but, for the most part, the living dead are an unpredictable kind. When the zombocalypse begins, all assumptions go out the window. Be keen and observing, and study their habits, speeds, and weaknesses—and do not take anything for granted. Depending on the source of the outbreak, you could be dealing with any number of zombie breeds, so familiarize yourself with their behaviors for maximum protection.
Don't be a hero
Whatever tales of heroism and chivalry you may have heard growing up are no longer relevant. If you’re in search of a safe place to hide, anyone slowing you down gets left behind—ditto those with injuries or unruly behavior. And seriously, there is never a good reason to attempt a rescue. Anyone in need of rescuing is already past the point of reasonable salvation, so don't waste efforts on anything other than trying to save your own sorry ass. Just ignore the siren screams of those around you, or soon enough you'll be in a similarly helpless situation—if not worse.
Forget sentimentality
All those emotional bonds and relationships that you've spent a lifetime cultivating are the greatest psychological threat during an outbreak. Sentimentality for loved ones inevitably clouds rational judgment—and, really, rational judgment is all that distinguishes you from those mindless droves of brain-eating undead. No matter what you may think to the contrary, intimacy and interpersonal relationships are frivolous in the face of mass extinction. Whether parent or partner, an infected companion is as good as dead—so if they get bitten, do them the kind favor of taking them out.
Save the last bullet for yourself
Look, let’s not kid ourselves here. Nobody survives the zombie apocalypse. Regardless of how careful you are, something always goes wrong—someone in your party freaks out, the military bombs the whole city (and everyone in it), who knows. The thing is, there’s nothing worse than going on a last-ditch, back-against-the-wall shooting rampage and hearing the click of an empty clip as a pack of zombies advances on you. Remember: A fatal, self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head hurts a hell of a lot less than being torn apart and eaten alive by the living dead—and, by all zombie science, it should have the additional benefit of preventing you from then joining the undead ranks.
