Take me out of the ball game
Comfort foods at Nationals Park for another terrible season
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At 4-13, the Washington Nationals are already balls deep in another miserable major-league season. Things are going to get worse before they get better for this sorry set of losers, but at least the team’s one-year-old, LEED-certified “green” stadium offers plenty of winning food options for grumbling fans with grumbling stomachs. The old standby of peanuts, Cracker Jack, and $7.50 Bud Lights doesn’t come close to alleviating this team’s woes, so The A.V. Club went looking for culinary cures at Nationals Park for a handful disastrous events that can—and, in all likelihood will—happen during the 2009 season.
Disaster: Losing a star player to injury
When shortstop Cristian Guzman—the Nationals’ lone player in the 2008 All-Star Game—hobbled off the field after his last at-bat during the team’s home opener, the entire crowd groaned in pain along with him. Luckily for the team, it was only a strained left hamstring; on April 17th, Guzman was retroactively placed on the 15-day disabled list. The Nats are light on talent as it is—but, with this team’s luck, the few top-tier players it does have will be the ones to get hit once the injury bug comes a-calling.
Remedy: Gifford’s Ice Cream & Candy Co. (third base), Dippin’ Dots (various stands)
Feeling phantom pains from the various shoulder pulls, sore elbows, and torn ligaments that are plaguing the team? Grab yourself something cold—such as Gifford’s Dinger (a chocolate cookie and vanilla ice cream sandwich) or a cup of Dippin’ Dots—toss it into a plastic bag, and use it as an ice pack. Sure, you could just eat it—but with the way things are going for this team and its fans this year, you’d probably get brain freeze.
Disaster: The team’s best hitter gets demoted to the minors
Center fielder Lastings Milledge came into 2009 season first in the batting lineup after leading the team in home runs and RBIs in 2008. After only seven games, however—during which he went a paltry 4 for 24 (.167) and struck out 10 times as the team’s leadoff hitter—Milledge found himself banished to the AAA Syracuse Chiefs. Ouch.
Remedy: Taste Of The Majors (main level, upper deck)
It could be a while before Milledge earns another chance in the MLB. Those who need a reminder of what major-league material is like should stop by Taste Of The Majors, which offers regional specialties from other MLB franchises, including the Houston Astros (Texas brisket), Los Angeles Dodgers (California sushi roll), Florida Marlins (Cuban sandwich), Milwaukee Brewers (bratwurst), and 2008 World Series Champions Philadelphia Phillies (cheesesteak, naturally).
Disaster: The grand slam that wasn’t
No outs, bases loaded—a cautious sense of hope begins swelling in the crowd. But, when it’s the Nationals at bat, such favorable odds don’t amount to squat. Nats fans know better than to expect a miracle—even one that requires nothing more than a solid hit into the outfield—because, more often than not, all three men will remain stranded on their respective plates. A strikeout, a double play—somehow, the Nats will find a way to fail and the would-be heroic hitter will just shuffle back to the dugout.
Remedy: Grand Slam Grill (outfield, upper deck)
Disappointed game-goers can still score over at the tauntingly titled Grand Slam Grill. The food is classic ballpark fare—burgers, all-beef hotdogs, chili-cheese fries—but also includes a marginally less greasy grilled chicken sandwich as well as veggie burgers and dogs. Hell, order a quartet of items—one for each run the Nationals didn’t earn.
Disaster: A half-empty Nationals Park—day in, day out
Despite a jam-packed opening-day crowd, Nationals ticket sales are already dropping. If this season is anything like last year—when the Nats somehow managed to break a 25-year-old record for worst attendance at a new stadium—this season could prove to be pitifully unpopulated. Though the flurry of red hats and hopeful enthusiasm gave the first home game a slight tinge of optimism (read: non-defeatism), the inevitable decline in attendance will have a demoralizing affect on both the players and the few fans in the seats.
Remedy: Ben’s Chili Bowl (third base)
Nothing drowns sorrow like good home-style comfort food. Though Ben’s main outpost is notorious for its long lines, one beneficial side effect of audience abandonment is easy access to the ballpark’s most popular vendor. Seek solace in one of the D.C. institution’s classic half-smokes or a bowl of chili without wasting precious game time crying to yourself in a never-ending line.
