Washington Nationals drinking game
Take it slow, or you'll be trashed by the third inning
Chelsea Bauch
There’s less than a month left in the 2009 Major League Baseball season, but that doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to enjoy the remaining Nationals games. For one, the team already has enough wins to avoid a “historically bad season.” (Thanks 1962 Mets and 2003 Tigers!) However, given that the Nationals are still pretty terrible—the team was sitting at 49 wins and 92 losses, worst in the bigs, prior to the start of the weekend—you probably won’t derive much pleasure if you're looking for wins. (That goes double if you’re actually at Nationals Park, which is often filled with noisy, obnoxious fans cheering for the opposing team.) No, best to let The A.V. Club's Nationals Drinking Game guide you toward happiness for the painful remainder of the season.
First off, two simple ground rules: 1) Unless you're planning on dropping a small fortune on $8 drinks at Nationals Park and staggering home after the match, this game is best played at home. 2) Too many reasons to drink makes a drinking game less fun, so something as ordinary as a run-of-the-mill hit or a home run is out. Let’s keep it to special occasions.
Along those lines, if a less-powerful National hits a homer, chug a beer or do a shot. Of course, since most of the Nats are not exactly Babe Ruth (only three players have more than eight home runs this year), this one needs to be narrowed down a little further. Catcher Wil Nieves is featured in a commercial starring a fan (who looks like Super Mario) talking about one of his rare homers (only two is his whole career), so he counts. Outfielder Willie Harris has a bit more pop in his bat (27 homers since 2001) and has hit a few clutch ones—like a game-winner this season against the Blue Jays in the 12th inning—but he's more known for his defensive play than his hitting, so he counts too. And any Nats pitcher hitting a homer definitely counts, though that hasn’t happened since 2006. (Perhaps newly re-acquired hurler Livan Hernandez can pull it off: he has nine career homers—including one in 2006 for the Nats).
One full drink: Wil Nieves, Willie Harris, or a Nats pitcher hits a home run
One of the most entertaining parts of the of the TV broadcasts on MASN this year has been new color commentator Rob Dibble. The former Cincinnati Red “Nasty Boy” often goes off on tangents during the game, talking about what he had for breakfast, Teddy Ruxpin, the food outside PNC Park in Pittsburgh, or Willie Harris’ hot rod, to name a few memorable ones. And considering how miserable the team is to watch, it’s good to have some amusing banter every now and then. Dibble (who also has his own merchandise) makes some pretty astute observations, like accurately predicting the next couple of pitches, but he's at his best when he gets random.
Take a sip: Rob Dibble says something funny or nonsensical
Unfortunately, it’s clearly not all good times with the Nats. The team currently has the most errors in the league with 121. It has also had a lot of games blown by its bullpen, which leads the majors by a wide margin with 36 losses by the bullpen (the MLB record is 40). If either of those two all-to-frequent calamities happen, you'll probably need a drink.
Take a sip: A Nationals player commits an error
Take a sip: The bullpen blows a lead
On the bright side, the Nationals are a young team. Most of the pitching staff is mid-20s or younger, so maybe there are some better times coming in the future. However, all those youngsters mean lots of new faces. If somebody comes in the game you’ve never heard of, drink. Be forwarned: The team has used 29 different pitchers and 24 different position players this season.
One full drink: “Who the hell is this guy?” A Nationals player you’ve never heard of comes in the game
Another fun part of watching the games on television is the fans in the seats behind home plate, who often manage to do something lame or funny. There’s the old talk-on-the-phone-and-wave, the person who looks completely uninterested in the game, and the best: fans in costume. The greatest example of this was during a few games at Nationals Park in July against Toronto, when a couple of guys sitting right behind home plate dressed like umpires and mimicked every move the home plate ump did, down to pretending to brush off home plate. They stayed in character the entire series.
Take a sip: Fans behind home plate do something funny (or lame)
And finally, the big ones: if the Nats spell their name wrong on their uniforms again or Teddy wins the Presidents Race (he’s 0 for 270 tries), you buy a keg and skip work the next day.
