8 crucial lessons from Guitar Wolf’s Wild Zero

It’s a crime that more movies aren’t dedicated to real-life rock bands. Between A Hard Day’s Night, Tenacious D In The Pick Of Destiny, and Detroit Rock City, the genre has been rather fruitful, even if it’s another form of marketing for the group at hand. One of the more obscure entries in this niche is Wild Zero, a gory paean to horror movies and rock ’n’ roll, starring Japanese band Guitar Wolf. This flick is amateurish, silly, and fun, like some cross-mutation of Zombieland, Repo Man, and Rock ’N’ Roll High School. Its plot focuses on happy-go-lucky Guitar Wolf acolyte Ace trying to find love and become cool in the midst of a zombie outbreak. As expected, the band plays itself. In advance of Guitar Wolf’s show at the Marquis Theater this Saturday, May 21 with Cheap Time and Il Cattivo, let’s revisit the band’s self-appointed “Rock ’n’ Roll JET-Movie” to see what lessons can be taken away from the film.

1. Defend rock ’n’ roll’s honor
In our first minutes of meeting Ace, he is giddily staring at his leather-clad demigods while they play a typically deafening concert at the Future Pub. His starry-eyed fandom quickly comes into play after he overhears The Captain—the Pub’s skeezy, drug-dealing, wig-wearing manager—tell Guitar Wolf, “Rock ’n’ roll is over, baby.” Bursting into a room backstage, Ace (who resembles Keno from Ninja Turtles II) enthusiastically declares, “Rock ’n’ roll is not over! Rock ’n’ roll never dies!” The Captain’s goon socks Ace in the face a second later, but the interruption was worth it, as Wolf frontman Seiji (credited here as “Guitar Wolf”) soon makes Ace his blood brother and gives him an emergency whistle to summon the band if needed. A vision of Seiji later affirms Ace’s original sentiment, barking, “There are no boundaries in rock ’n’ roll! Believe in rock ’n’ roll!”

2. Opening doors (literally) will open doors (metaphorically)
Ace gets opportunities by simply going into rooms at opportune moments. Along with the aforementioned encounter with Guitar Wolf, he enters a gas station while it’s being held up. Masao, the knife-brandishing criminal who is impulsively robbing said station, is so startled by Ace’s entrance that he sticks his own weapon up his nose. Masao runs off seconds later, leaving Ace looking like a hero in front of Tobio, his soon-to-be love interest (who may or may not be a guy). Evidently, the first step to fulfillment is just walking into places.

3. Romantic relationships determine your closeness to God
After getting to know each other via some scuffles with the undead, Ace kisses Tobio. Soon thereafter, our protagonist gets all forlorn and existential, saying, “Up until now, I never believed. But now, I believe I do. To have met you in a situation like that, that’s definitely God’s doing. I believe in God.” However, when Ace sees/imagines Tobio naked and is greeted with boy bits, he loses his shit and quickly rescinds his faith. (Note that Seiji later advises, “Love has no borders, nationalities, or genders,” so Ace probably flip-flopped again.)

4. Reprimand fools with fists
In at least two instances—probably more—one character in Wild Zero will punch another in the face for saying/doing something stupid. Physical abuse is fair punishment for idiocy.

5. Watch Night Of The Living Dead or risk inevitable death
Deep into the movie, a bunch of characters try to figure out how to combat the wave of zombies surrounding their fort. A Guitar Wolf member casually mentions George A. Romero’s 1968 film, which causes the perpetually quarreling couple of Toshi and Hanako to have this conversation:

Toshi: “Well, I’ve never actually seen it.”

Hanako: “What do you mean you haven’t seen it? Fuckin’ idiot!”

Toshi: “If I would’ve known this was gonna happen, I would’ve watched it.”

Just a few minutes later, Toshi’s attacked and infected for good. If that isn’t a life-threatening plug for Romero’s movie, what is?

6. Bikini Kill makes bizarre music for zombie brawls
In one scene, Ace is fighting off the undead from all directions when the drums driving “Rebel Girl,” the definitive song of riot grrrl, begin to kick in. Feminist punk is a strange sub-genre to reference when unleashing beatdowns on zombies, but there’s probably a fantastic sociopolitical metaphor glimmering beneath the surface.

7. “ROCK ’N’ ROLL!!!” is an excellent thing to shout when you’re flying out of an exploding building
Seiji happens to do just that, bringing us to the last lesson.

8. Don’t fuck with Seiji
From that initial gunpoint stand-off with The Captain to Wild Zero’s final battle, it is drilled into the audience’s skulls that Guitar Wolf’s leader embodies all that is amazing. He pulls off lyrics like, “There’s a wallet on my ass with a rock ’n’ roll license,” while instruments rattle at uncomfortable volumes. He dispenses wise advice, and he is a great dresser. At one point, Ace actually weeps because he isn’t as cool as Guitar Wolf (read: Seiji) and likely never will be, which is totally justifiable. This kind of impeccable cool is untouchable.