Jock Itch A gift guide to the year’s tackiest sports memorabilia

Got a sports fan on your holiday gift list? Great—stick a bow on a team jersey and call it done. Got a sports fan on your holiday gift list whom you secretly loathe? Here’s a quick team-by-team guide to some truly forgettable local sports memorabilia for that not-so-special someone.

Colorado Avalanche

Teemu Selanne autographed photo
Selanne is a hall-of-fame-bound hockey player, but his quick stint with the Avs was nothing short of a bummer. If $114.99 gets you an autographed picture that elicits stomach cramps, how much to have it erased from your mind entirely?

Chris Drury bobblehead
I wonder if 9News sports anchor Drew Soicher has this bobble head, one that reminds everyone of the trade that ripped the heart out of the Avs fan base and doomed it to years of mediocrity? I’ll bet he does, the bastard.

The Avs candy jar
If this item isn’t purchased with the sole intent to put weed in it, I’ll just stop this column right now. Are we ready to continue? Let’s go.

The Avs doormat
This might have made a great gag gift before the start of the Avs season, but since they’re now hanging around near the top of the standings, wipe your feet with pride.

Denver Nuggets

Nuggets chair
No sensible person would allow this in any home shared with a Nuggets fan. Thankfully, this is the kind of gift a younger fan will grow out of and, as the years of farts imbedded in the leather will likely render it useless, this piece of pure tack will surely be thrown out long before any “adult” furniture decisions need to be made.

Carmelo Anthony fathead decal
Aaah! Carmelo Anthony is in my room and he's coming right at me!

Antonio McDyess autographed photo
Here is an autographed picture of the two-time Denver Nugget in his mid-’90s finery. McDyess played for some of the worst Nuggets teams in history, still bounces around the league, and is forever immortalized in that gruesome shirt. Still, this thing costs $47.99, and that seems like a much bigger tragedy.

Nuggets iPod skin
The simple beauty of the iPod just got a whole lot uglier.

Denver Broncos

Broncos mailbox
God, this is heinous. You would have to really hate your neighbors and your mailman to subject them to this on a daily basis. This is why covenant-controlled neighborhoods were invented.

Clinton Portis autographed jersey
How about a signed jersey from a gifted malcontent who demanded a trade out of Denver and whose only accomplishment in five mostly mediocre years in Washington has been wearing funny glasses and wigs during press conferences? Yeah, I want that hanging in my house for $829.99. Or you can feed your dog some gold and hang his leavings on your wall for nearly the same effect.

Denver Broncos weenie warmer
This is exactly what it looks like and when I got mine, I didn’t know whether to be offended by the fact that I was given the smaller size or that it was a gift from my mom.

Broncos bean-bag chair
Watching a drunken lard-ass try to get out of this chair is certainly worth the $40.

Colorado Rockies

Rockies flask
The beer at Coors Field should be as cheap as the owners are. You’ll also need this in April when getting drunk in the stands will be all you can do to stomach what atrocity is being committed on the field.

Rockies keychain
Over-stylized butt-plug or Rockies keychain? Both.

Mike Hampton autographed photo
Why not commemorate the single worst free agent signing in Rockies history by scooping up this autographed Mike Hampton photo for only $39.99? I guess they’re trying to recoup the money they flushed down the toilet with Hampton by pricing these to move. The remaining photos should be put on a roll and placed in a Coors Field bathroom near where they sell the chili dogs.

Rockies car floor mat
Nothing shrieks “class” like dressing up your fine automobile with after-market accessories of your favorite sports team. And nothing sends the wrong message about your team loyalty than wiping your dirty feet on its logo every day. Next time, put down a picture of your kids to show them how much you love them.