Avoiding a trade wreck
Denver's major-league trade situation is turning into a real meat market
Denver's major-league trade situation is turning into a real meat market
Sir Loin of Denver: Jay Cutler
More Jock Itch
By now you’ve heard all about the soap opera that is your 2009 Denver Broncos. New coach Josh McDaniels tried to trade quarterback Jay Cutler. Cutler shit a brick during the ensuing tantrum. Bronco fans were left to wonder if the firing of Mike Shanahan maybe wasn’t such a good idea—while they ponder how the new regime could have seriously considered trading away a budding superstar like Cutler.
It was Rock Of Love-dumb for McDaniels to try to trade Cutler (and then let the word leak). No one likes being traded. It makes players feel like meat. But as we all know, professional sports is nothing more than a business, and athletes are essentially high-priced cuts of sirloin. Cutler didn’t like it at all, and I can’t exactly blame him. But at the same time, isn’t he getting paid to have guys in sweatpants tell him where to throw the ball? For Cutler to think of himself as anything other than a commodity that can be swapped to the highest bidder is pretty naïve. Regardless, the damage is done. If Li’l Josh and Crybaby Jay can make nice after this near-trade episode, the Broncos might have the makings of something good next season.
The Bronco’s free-agent pickups have been solid thus far, and the team’s defense might just improve in ’09. In any case, it’s got to get better than the wet paper towel that stretched itself across the field last season. It’s troubling, though, that McDaniels thought he could throw Cutler overboard and replace him with his old QB at New England, Matt Cassel (who ultimately went to division rival Kansas City). Does McDaniels know something we don’t? Or did he just want to hire an old buddy because he knew what he’d get out of him? Watch how Cassel does in KC this year and then decide if McDaniels is a coaching prodigy or a monumental dope.
Until that happens, let’s hope the right decision was made, and that the shattered trust between Cutler and McDaniels can be mended now that Cutler is staying. In the meantime, to honor the trade that never was, here is a list of trades I’d like to see in Denver’s big-league franchises:
• Nuggets bad boy and Baltimore native Carmelo Anthony for John Waters and a case of National Bohemian.
• My useless Travis Henry jersey for that of a Bronco—any Bronco—that may still be with the team a year from now.
• Fox 31 anchor (and former sportcaster) Ron Zappolo for a top-ranking Taliban chief. The Taliban guy would be more likeable, and his moustache would be less distracting.
• The Nuggets’ Linas Kleiza for the jizz mop at Kitty’s. The mop would score just as many points and is far more useful.
• Rockies All-Star outfielder Matt Holliday for a bunch of pitchers who probably won’t make the roster on opening day. Oh wait, that already happened. Fucking Rockies.
• Bronco Brandon Marshall for Rihanna-batterer and pop singer Chris Brown. If you need someone to drop balls and be involved in domestic disputes, at least get a guy who can sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
