Because texting and driving is so much fun
Without even the common courtesy of a text-blast, Colorado banned texting while driving last week, joining D.C. and 20 other states that have already declared the act illegal. Unless you just so happen to be black, in which case, for you, it has always been against the law.
OFFICER: Okay, Texty, let’s see some ID.
BLACK DRIVER: I wasn’t sending a text; that’s my blood sugar monitor. I have type 2 diabetes.
OFFICER: Sure you do, T-Pain. We’ll see what types of other drugs besides insulin you have once the K-9 unit arrives.
But me? I’m whiter than an alumni weekend at Williams. I’ve been texting like a Gossip Girl since the ban was instituted. Ditto for checking e-mail and downloading adorable YouTube clips of this kitten that is totally surprised by jazz-hands. And yet not one officer has had the audacity to pull me over and slap me with a $50 fine or a $100 citation were he to catch me again.
That’s because this ain’t prohibition, reports Colorado State Patrol Trooper David Hall. And rogue texters certainly ain’t rumrunners. “Troopers didn’t get up Tuesday morning rubbing their hands at the prospect of ‘busting’ people who were texting,” Hall explains, obliterating my every notion of how the criminal justice system works. “We’re not after bad people who are doing something that is crazy and unthinkable. It’s people like you and me, and that’s why it has to be addressed. It’s very prevalent because we’re doing something that we’re so comfortable with that we let down our guard and bad things happen. Now we have a means to act if we see such dangerous behavior.”
But allow me to play The Devil’s Advocate: “I’m here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began. I’ve nurtured every sensation man has been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him, in spite of all his imperfections, I’m a fan of him! I’m a humanist, maybe the last humanist. Who in their right mind, Kevin, could possibly deny the 20th century was entirely mine? All of it, Kevin! All of it, mine! I’m peaking. It’s my time now. It’s our time.”
Pretty good, right? I even nailed the Pacino voice and everything.
Now allow me to play devil’s advocate: Is texting while driving really that much worse than fiddling with the knobs on the radio or changing a CD? Is it that much more of a distraction than following the directions on the screen of your GPS? Christ, I drive while masturbating on the weekends, and not only do I do so safely, I make great time!
“To be honest with you all of those activities are dangerous,” Hall says. “I’ve seen fatal accidents caused by people reaching over to grab a cheeseburger. Anytime you take your hand off the wheel you endanger yourself and others. Texting has been keyed on because it’s so engrossing and it lasts for such a long period of time, you lose all situational awareness.”
Hall recently was on C-470 in a fully marked state patrol vehicle when he watched the man in the lane next to him text for a minute and a half straight. The man never swerved out of his lane, and at the time the act wasn’t illegal, so there really wasn’t anything Hall could do, but that type of behavior incenses him. A few years back, when he was living in Kansas, Hall took his eyes off the road for a split-second to check a text and nailed a deer. The deer lived, but he wonders what if it had been a human? It’s too dangerous, he feels, and the Colorado state legislature agrees.
But that doesn’t mean anything is really going to change. If you want to live crazy, you can still text and drive, below the dashboard or in your lap. Or when no cops are around. Or on side streets that are less crowded. Texting while driving will never be over; it just has to be done more cautiously now, more surreptitiously.
You know, like when you're drinking.
