Jock Itch Bridging the golf

Mark Twain said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” Apparently, he never had a Nintendo Wii. My golf career consists of getting deep into a 12 pack of beer on a Friday night and standing in front of my TV swinging a Wii remote while Tiger Woods does the dirty work on the screen. Golfing from my own home is great: After the initial investment in Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09, I can explore the golf courses of the world in a Black Sabbath T-shirt, a beer in my hand, and no pants if I so choose.

Aqua Golf, located at 501 W. Florida Ave., is the next best thing to my home course. There are no dress codes or grouches in funny shirts trying to abate my golf buzz with their rules. And while I can’t drink beer there and probably have to wear pants, the typical bad vibe one gets from a golf course disappears the second you hit that first ball into that murky lake.

I used to hit balls at Aqua Golf many years ago, and loved the serene quality of watching that little orb fly into the air and land with a plop somewhere out in the water. But Aqua Golf fell into disrepair and was closed for several years, a taunting reminder that if I wanted to hit golf balls, I had to do it with all the other suckers at an actual golf course.

But now Aqua Golf is reborn. Taken over by Denver Parks And Recreation, my favorite driving range reopened last October with a proper facelift and two brand-new miniature golf courses. The old Aqua Golf was a rundown mess—kind of like the depressing petting zoo you visited while on vacation somewhere sucky as a kid. But the new joint is clean and well-maintained, and the water doesn’t look halfway as scummy as it used to.

The driving range at Aqua Golf is now as close to pristine as it has probably ever been, and the satisfaction I get from smacking that little white ball into the water is 10 times the thrill of trying to play real golf. I have golfed the real way before, and while I didn’t hate it, I do dislike the people who do it. Most golfers are priggish clowns who feel special because they play an expensive game they ultimately suck at. So if I do golf, it’s at a range or one of the many fine miniature courses around Denver. The only attitude you get on a miniature golf course is from a sullen 12-year-old who thinks you’re moving too slowly. I’ll take that any day over a sullen 55-year-old in a goofy shirt. Aqua Golf’s two 18-hole miniature golf courses look great because there aren’t any of the kooky gimmicks associated with mini-golf. Now I love a Mayan temple shooting fire into the sky as much as the next guy, but if you want no-frills, technical putting, this is for you.

Golf has changed a lot since the likes of Tiger Woods entered the scene. And while the culture of the sport now has room for stiff, bland guys of all colors, you’re still pretty much a wanker if you publicly profess a love of golf. So what can you do if you like hitting balls while you may or may not be stoned? Head over to Aqua Golf in your favorite pair of tattered shorts and tee off into the water. At least then Mark Twain won't laugh at you. And Tiger Woods won’t have to see you half-naked.